ALMOST

So, today marks the day before I leave for a vacation without my parents; for about 11 days. It's nothing crazy and insane just disney land. I'm going with my future in laws, and my fiance. I am a little hesitent as I watch time pass quickly and realize I leave tomorrow (saturday) morning. I'm excited! don't get me wrong. :) I'm definately freaking out because I will be without my parents. :/ I've never been without my parents for this long out of state! I'm freaking out because it's growing up time, and I'm leaving my mom at home by herself doing school with no work for a week. All alone with my brothers and I'm scared I can't be there for her when I'm in disney. Trust me I'm wayyyyyy excited though :) just going to miss them (ps- I get home sick easily) ;)
I have done well this last semester at school. Not as well as I had hoped but better than I thought. I am still working toward my AS degree in biology with health care emphasis. I'm getting there to my nursing degree.
I'm missing my sister like crazy. She is in pocatello and therefore cant exactly make it home for the holidays because of her job. :/ but she's doing good! and hopefully will be able to visit for her birthday :) yay!!! :D
Mom and dad are doing good, dad's been working out of town, and mom's been doing school non stop. Sean and Roland have come a long way from where they were last year, I'm very proud. Sean has his eagle, and Roland has his driver's licence and is looking for a job. (but I just helped him make cookies, so he's still small rolly in my eyes.) Sean is doing well with his tutoring, and school? (I think ;) but you never know :) haha.

Koda and I are getting excited about our wedding and freaking out how we will pay for it. Because our wedding funds went down the drain xD. We had to fix his car and my car which totaled to 3,000$  if you really calculate it. :/ there's our wedding budget and only had to save up 2/3 more and we would have been able to pay for our wedding ;/ just hard to see that go away. But bright side! our cars will last for hopefully another year ;)
We are looking for a place to live and to move into for our own, for the wedding. I really don't want to be living with either of our parents while we are being approved for an apartment. :/ just no too much drama can happen and just nope :/

Very excited about life and how God will be working in it from here on out.

AMAZING NEWS! Koda got baptized a few weeks ago and he's never been the same sense. He asked Jesus into his heart in april :) and then baptized and I'm happier than ever for him, and to be with him. God keeps throwing miracles our way :)

This is me though, signing off. (haha pun.... signing? ASL? hehe you can't just say good bye in ASL ;)
Forever and always writing,
Future Emily R ;)
ohhhh okay :P
I cut the yuck crap.
Em <3 p="">

stay stong, the world isn't going to blow up.

so the world wont blow up if you keep at what you're doing and where you're going.
But are you, leading you?
Are you letting God work in you, are you letting him step in his rightful place to prepare a way for you are you letting him provide? or are you saying F*ck you and kicking him to the curb in a cardboard box?
Don't let your guard down for one moment and say "I've got this" because that 1 time you do, is going to be your down fall and destruction and your slow climb back to the place you once were.

This ramble can be applied to many relationships and aspects of my life. It makes me sad to think of it all and all the issues life presents. The devil isn't fair, and this is his domain and it scares me. Because I'm seeing all the issues arise and I want to run back to my own comfort and my own hope and I can't because I know what God is capable of. I know how he takes me as I am. And I know he works miracles. I know he does ! I've seen it with my own two eyes and it makes me excited. I love God with all I am. I want that in every aspect in life. I want that in my family and I want that. and I have that and I see that. BUT I have to keep striving for it and doing my all so that I may continue on going and have strength because my strength is in HIM.

My sister is in jail and I am a anxious worry wort, I'm worried about my future, I'm worried about everything and then the realization of God stepped in and stopped me.
I yelled at my fiance today. I yelled. I don't yell and I don't scream and I don't raise my voice. I am a very strict person and I know I come across as a jerk sometimes. But that doesn't mean I am. I want to be soft and gentle and I feel like my soul is. I know I am. I am normally happy and I'm scared about my happiness's future.
I worry, and I need to let go and let God provide. He provides and he will shine in my storm and he will show me his power and he will provide and he will be there and he will hold me and he will love me and he will not let me be alone. I trust him. I hold him closer. I will lean on his understanding.
I will look back at this and I will know how I am to react and how I feel at this moment knowing God is in control.

Life's roller coaster

So after being on the train of "I'm okay where we are at" (in my relationship with my boyfriend) 

I got a big surprise, and God blessed me very much. 

Dakotah my boyfriend proposed to me on June 21st my birthday- also Father's Day. 

:) 

I hurt my neck on 17th I ended up in the ER on the 18th. I was given muscle relaxers that knocked me out on my butt. 

Well the 20th I had a birthday party with my family and my boyfriends family. 

So on the evening of the 20th , my boyfriend talked to my dad and mom to marry me. I didn't know this ;) I was so zonked out, that I didn't pay any attention to it. 

On the 21st I was recovering from muscle relaxers at work. All I could think of at work is that Dakotah talked to my parents because he was dieing. (Again, really bad muscle relaxers... That really made me funky). 

On the 21st was a family BBQ that my family and my boyfriends extended family on Father's Day and to celebrate the June birthdays. I got off work at 2pm I got to the BBQ with my family by 3:30 and hung out, ate good food, and then napped. About 7/8 pm I was woken up and given another gift from my boyfriend. It was a beautiful Japanese painted jewelry box, I was so in love with it. 

I noticed there were locks on the doors of the jewelry box. 

I was told to find the key in the four drawers, and there In the second drawer was the ring he picked out and proposed to me. 

I am now on the giddy train of wow. Again I am happy with where I'm at with my fiancé <3 I'm very excited for my future with Dakotah and what God will do with us. What he did to bring us together. 

Thank you Jesus for your guidance and blessing. 

Big thank you to my parents for your blessing :)

Very lost

I'm very lost when it comes down to the time bomb exploding- all my friends are either married or married and I feel I'm standing alone. 

Even my sister is getting married, she's engaged. 

None of this is expected, and I'm very tired and lost in the crowd .

Yes a wedding and being married and engagement and all those fantasies that float in my head are spectacular ! 

However; I am scared I get caught in the crowd and excitement. Which has happened before. (Many times) 

I need me and God closer and I need time to change my bad mistakes. I don't want to be perfect before I get married, far from it. I want to know I'm doing the right thing in Gods eyes. And it's evident I need to focus on that. As hard as it is, and as much as I hate waiting and being patient; it will be the better choice. 

Again as much as I hate it, it will be the better choice. 

It's okay to be different

Where do I start?
Main stream media is always telling us to be individual which then becomes the normal and makes us question what is normal.
Normal is a range of many things in a line from point A to point B.
Normal is whatever you make it to be.
The whole point of this "break free of normal" movement has been clarified in my own life, as stop being the one to chain yourself up and follow the river and where it goes.

There are so many things that are main stream. To jump on the bandwagon. To go with the flow, per say.
I can say now, that this was a bad decision. I didn't honestly make this "decision" to jump on the bandwagon, instead I started being persuaded into liking the bandwagon way of doing things and that was my breaking point.
What am I talking about so distantly? I'm talking about my love story and my sister's love story.
This is a weird, touchy and hard subject for me.
I now know, that my love story is created by God. That every day is a lesson and a blessing and it's all God. All I ever wanted in a relationship was God, me, and my future man.
ALL I wanted. I have that !!! I am so ecstatically happy of pure joy that I get the best relationship in the world; with me and my man searching, praying, listening, and living in God.
This is heaven on earth, right here. Right now.

This brings up the subject again of jumping on the bandwagon with my sister's newly found engagement.
There are somethings I'm a big fan of, like engagements. This one is different, she's known the guy a week and that makes no sense to me.
Either it doesn't make sense because I have been a steady relationship with my man for a year now (in a couple days we will be together for a year) or it doesn't make sense because it doesn't seem like it was a "God" thing, like my sister says it is.

Getting married or engaged fast and quickly is very off putting in my opinion. I feel you don't get the understanding of knowing your friend, the one person you're choosing to spend the rest of your life with. The one person that you commit to for the rest of your life and don't let go of. Because you believe in them, you want to be with them, and they fill you, constantly blessing you in simple ways.

This is the bandwagon effect I'm talking about. For a small while, I was on this bandwagon and wanting to get married quickly and fast, just to say that I could be married and be grown up.
There is nothing worst than rushing something that isn't going to happen yet. These people that are getting married within two days or months of being together or liking each other, I find impossible! People don't seem to be blessed or given an understanding that everything my man and I have gone through in the last year will be in their marriage. That a relationship is hard work and the first few years you need to work out the kinks.

I also understand some people are compatible and that they are able to get along well. (so are my man and I.) But that fast to get married and that fast to be engaged without knowing what they are getting into seems so far beyond me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I'm not sure what to think. Honestly, I really don't.

I'm happy for all of the women and men getting married to their best friend. Congrats! :D

I think it would be wise, to learn a person and learn where God is in your relationship before you jump on the bandwagon.

I have a beautiful love story and I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know how amazing it is.
Thanks to God for the hit upside the head. He gave me the recognition of true "eyes open" in this situation. :) Thank you God.

Love stories

We always dream of having a fairy tail life and beginning and love story, when if fact nothing is set. Nothing says you must have this!! 

No, this is the part of life when you have to make your own love story and not deal or meddle in the love affair of others. 

I can name several friends my age, that are getting married. All people who I'm graduated with. Yet, I'm here still in the girlfriend zone, waiting to be engaged. Waiting to move on past this point. 

Let me remind you and myself, that God has a reason and a purpose of where he has placed me in this point in my life. No need to rush. Only God has control over that. God writes your love story, the more you let him write it, the more beautiful it will be. 

family

My family matters the most to me, in difficult times and in normal times.
right now my family is apart, and even though I don't show it a lot: I'm torn inside. There is a void and a hard obnoxious cry in my mind. I shut it out, and I feel like I make life more difficult for me to feel my feelings because I'm afraid of crying and being exposed. All I can feel now is emptiness and that's the worst feeling to feel near Christmas when it's about God and family. I can't fathom my sister being gone this Christmas, and not even allowed to visit. Can't come by, I have to go to her and I have to meet her when and where she can meet.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. I am so angry sometimes it really gets me worked up and I can't calm down for a long while. It overflows into my love life and into my family life.
I'm still at home and I am still with family, I am still progressing into my career that I want. I'm striving forward, and it feels so weird not having my sister there besides me.
She's gone away. She's my best friend and I don't want to keep having to do this!
I know it's sooooooo selfish >.> *aka people who think this need to step into my shoes*
I want my best friends for Christmas. My mom, my boyfriend, and my beloved missed sister.
I'm feeling empty and sad, and I need to buck up. But at the same point I wont want anyone to know. That's why I write. That's how I breathe sometimes. Just want things to be normal. My normal is missing and I'm frantically freaking out trying to find a balance in the storm. It doesn't seem that I will ever find it.