yep, I really do feel all wonderful and fuzzy inside >.> no, really I do. >.>
yeah been "that" type of week. I've been depressed and totally oblivious to what's going on. I don't know how to face crap and if anything happens I blame myself.
but lately I've been feeling let down. why? I have several ideas why.
1) I got back from DC and had a week to settle down and then sean and roland leave for a boy scout camp 6 days after I'm back. They're gone, and normally I'd be happy but I miss them a little much at the moment. So they're not here to make noise, so it's quiet.
2) I'm being left alone. (which is a horrrrrrrible idea)
Mom has school, dad has work and only plays his playstation games. Courtney's been working.
and I'm left to do nothing but mope and keep to myself because they all have a life and I don't.
3) my best friend hasn't been reaching out to contact me unless it's at two in the morning. Hello?! I'm sleeping! Granted, I still talk because I miss them that much. But the only way we talk before that is when I (ME) have to reach out to THEM. They don't contact me often, so it's making me feel left out..
Now, I know my best friend has a life and is trying to support a mutual friend in a hard times right now, and I encourage my friend to help the mutual friend. They need the support. So, I can't complain when I say "yeah, go it's no problem *insert best friend's name* You're fine and need to encourage *Mutual friend's name* I understand and grasp where you're coming from. So go help them. I'll be right here. Ttyl." and that's how it goes. :/
But maybe I'm pushing them to hard, in wanting to be my best friend, maybe I need to let up in what I say and do and how I'm around them. I don't know what else to do but think that I'm the problem and I'm the one causing trouble, and I don't know if I am or not. I'm just ughghgh Is it me or them or both of us? I just want answers but I'm afraid to ask incase I might scare my best friend away. :(
anyway part of me feeling depleted of energy might be because I've been let down.
I have a friend and their parents were coming to pick me up at some point, they were about 1-2 hrs late to get me. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want them to take me back to their house to hang with a friend because I was let down. (so that made my mood worse) But I already forgive them... and I punish myself because they were harmless in the matter.
Another friend contacted me about hanging out and then had to run errands so, I was left hanging again to wait another day in anticipation of a wonderful breakthrough from depression.
anyway, I find it difficult and just need to be around people. it's hard being alone. and if I move out, I need to have a lot of room-mates. HAHA
