A new found and lovely appreciation for parents.
Parents sign up with every child they have about 20 years of servitude.
They go through cleaning and changing you. Clothing you and helping you sleep.
Teaching you simple things at 2 and 3
Learning to play nicely with other kids.
Teaching you boys have cooties.
Helping you with math homework.
Teaching you to never give up.
Keeping you on track with your goals and dreams and aspirations.
Teaching you that life is unfair.
Letting you grow up and learn on your own.
Letting you go camping with your neighbor for a weekend away from home.
Paying so much money for you to do things and heal you from your injuries.
Finally to the point where you are almost your own person and are dealing with drama and boys, and best friends, and jealousy.
Them being able to be your best friends and help you understand that you need certain criticism, and the fact you can take this criticism makes you stronger.
I can appreciate a lot more. :)
I can tell them anything!
*lightbulb* I can tell them anything ^_^
I'm very appreciative with my family and for putting up with me and my antics. As I am a girl and will never decide fully what I want.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
more life
Life continues as always.
I just didn't know going through so much shock and adjusting in any stress related environment would cause more stress. You get stress from shock, that plays on the stress from the event, and that all plays on the stress of absolute changes that you can't control. Stress is known as an outside source that pushes or move a stable grounded object.
We as humans are the grounded object and then the stressor comes and knocks us out of the ground.
I love my family and what's been happening recently with my sister's health has knocked us all out of the ground as a family. It is very hard to deal with the stress in a large quantity.
I am getting stressed. My sister is manic, which isn't a bad thing after coming back from the hospital. I'm jsut getting overwhelmed. I'm glad I have school and work to focus on, but as she sits in our room, I'm with her and I need to watch out for her. I don't notice when she has episodes or black out session from her condition. So I have a little pressure on me. Just because I want to watch out for her.
But another thing, my mom is getting stressed too, and that's causing a few out bursts of me blowing up because she is exhibiting and sending out flustered and stressed signals.
the moral, stress on top of stress about stress does not collide with stress. Period; at all.
This is a little annoying. Plus I just had an occurrence where my sister wanted to "play roughhouse" but she doesn't know how to, with out it being somewhat intimate. She tried biting my neck and grabbing my chest. She is also 80 lbs heavier than me and it's hard when she is crushing my hips into the floor to get her to listen and get off of me. She has a boy friend for that stuff. Now, if we were goofing off I would love it. Tickle fights and enjoying each other's company. But she is heavy and manic so it's hard to play around with her, like we have in the past. I just need her to understand the limits. My dad finally came up and got my sister to get off me.
So with everything that has happened in the last three months, being the equivalent of three months condensed down into a short time frame; the stress has been x3 and difficult to manage but not prolonged.
School is nuts, one month left of my condensed CNA course. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Anxious for all the test again, sure.
But more anxious I might be in limbo from goals. I like goals and I need them. They help me focus, I don't need to go off the deep end again. It's scary and I'm not sure what to do.
I'll figure it out as I always do ;) I know what I'm doing with my life because of God. HE is in control.
Need to recognize that more often.
But I'm excited school's almost done,
my not a boy friend would like to talk with my parents but I doubt they need more emotional stress on them with my sister's situation and her boy friend, and my sister's mood swings.
So I feel just a little held back. I know that's to be expected in a family, but when it's demanding and controlling to the point I'm fighting back and being drafted into the things or errands I don't want to deal with then it's a problem. I'm not saying I'm having trouble, but my sister is demanding things: parent's are busy tomorrow and I want to visit my boyfriend but I can't drive (medical condition prevents it atm), So you have to take me.
You know, I have a life and you fit in it but you don't control it.
Please understand I have the best intentions to love you and help you because you are my family, but I am me, and I will not let you control it.
I will also not let my mind control me and my fears. I have to master them and face anything I am scared and confused about head on. I found that out in the last few weeks. Because my parents are great role models, and lead by example. I know with God I can do that. I can face anything head on.
So I'm nipping this in the butt. God has control of me, but I wont let you ruin and run my life.
I just didn't know going through so much shock and adjusting in any stress related environment would cause more stress. You get stress from shock, that plays on the stress from the event, and that all plays on the stress of absolute changes that you can't control. Stress is known as an outside source that pushes or move a stable grounded object.
We as humans are the grounded object and then the stressor comes and knocks us out of the ground.
I love my family and what's been happening recently with my sister's health has knocked us all out of the ground as a family. It is very hard to deal with the stress in a large quantity.
I am getting stressed. My sister is manic, which isn't a bad thing after coming back from the hospital. I'm jsut getting overwhelmed. I'm glad I have school and work to focus on, but as she sits in our room, I'm with her and I need to watch out for her. I don't notice when she has episodes or black out session from her condition. So I have a little pressure on me. Just because I want to watch out for her.
But another thing, my mom is getting stressed too, and that's causing a few out bursts of me blowing up because she is exhibiting and sending out flustered and stressed signals.
the moral, stress on top of stress about stress does not collide with stress. Period; at all.
This is a little annoying. Plus I just had an occurrence where my sister wanted to "play roughhouse" but she doesn't know how to, with out it being somewhat intimate. She tried biting my neck and grabbing my chest. She is also 80 lbs heavier than me and it's hard when she is crushing my hips into the floor to get her to listen and get off of me. She has a boy friend for that stuff. Now, if we were goofing off I would love it. Tickle fights and enjoying each other's company. But she is heavy and manic so it's hard to play around with her, like we have in the past. I just need her to understand the limits. My dad finally came up and got my sister to get off me.
So with everything that has happened in the last three months, being the equivalent of three months condensed down into a short time frame; the stress has been x3 and difficult to manage but not prolonged.
School is nuts, one month left of my condensed CNA course. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Anxious for all the test again, sure.
But more anxious I might be in limbo from goals. I like goals and I need them. They help me focus, I don't need to go off the deep end again. It's scary and I'm not sure what to do.
I'll figure it out as I always do ;) I know what I'm doing with my life because of God. HE is in control.
Need to recognize that more often.
But I'm excited school's almost done,
my not a boy friend would like to talk with my parents but I doubt they need more emotional stress on them with my sister's situation and her boy friend, and my sister's mood swings.
So I feel just a little held back. I know that's to be expected in a family, but when it's demanding and controlling to the point I'm fighting back and being drafted into the things or errands I don't want to deal with then it's a problem. I'm not saying I'm having trouble, but my sister is demanding things: parent's are busy tomorrow and I want to visit my boyfriend but I can't drive (medical condition prevents it atm), So you have to take me.
You know, I have a life and you fit in it but you don't control it.
Please understand I have the best intentions to love you and help you because you are my family, but I am me, and I will not let you control it.
I will also not let my mind control me and my fears. I have to master them and face anything I am scared and confused about head on. I found that out in the last few weeks. Because my parents are great role models, and lead by example. I know with God I can do that. I can face anything head on.
So I'm nipping this in the butt. God has control of me, but I wont let you ruin and run my life.
little alone
I feel a little alone.
My best friend's Sister is home for the holidays and then a friend is in NY and then another best friend going to Paris after new year's. :3
So ehhh.... little alone XD and it sucks :/
I have God and my family :) which is a bless and amazing that my dad is home for Christmas (he was supposed to work) and mom is home and I'm happy about that :)
but no idea what to do :/
I had a job interview a while ago.... hoping that I get the CAP2 position at a hospital that I applied for. I'm anxious to hear back, I'm applying at other places as well and waiting for an answer :)
God has a lot of control over my life. I have so much praise for him for bringing him me this far, for blessing me. It is a miracle that I am this far.
So God is my rock and my foundation :)
He's amazing! :)
still at the same time physically with friends I wish I could talk with them at the moment. :) but I can't and can only pray for them and think of them.
Granted I wont let this emotion bring me down. It's difficult but it's simple to overcome. :)
My best friend's Sister is home for the holidays and then a friend is in NY and then another best friend going to Paris after new year's. :3
So ehhh.... little alone XD and it sucks :/
I have God and my family :) which is a bless and amazing that my dad is home for Christmas (he was supposed to work) and mom is home and I'm happy about that :)
but no idea what to do :/
I had a job interview a while ago.... hoping that I get the CAP2 position at a hospital that I applied for. I'm anxious to hear back, I'm applying at other places as well and waiting for an answer :)
God has a lot of control over my life. I have so much praise for him for bringing him me this far, for blessing me. It is a miracle that I am this far.
So God is my rock and my foundation :)
He's amazing! :)
still at the same time physically with friends I wish I could talk with them at the moment. :) but I can't and can only pray for them and think of them.
Granted I wont let this emotion bring me down. It's difficult but it's simple to overcome. :)
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
Stressed? No more life i don't know what to do.
So.... it seems my life is falling apart yet again.
But I am able to control my emotions a lot more so I feel numb and not deadly wanting to cut or urge to do anything.
I keep busy with school and music, and chores and friends. :) I enjoy it.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm very concerned for my parents who I see breaking down and freaking out because they don't know what to do. They hurt and I can tell and they are trying their hardest. They are, and they are doing the best they can and I love them and would want to trade places with them to let them free of this burden that is putting drama and hurt into our lives. I want them to be okay, seeing them go crazy or just become numb is hard. Because I don't know what to do or how to help. So I am helpless and making my own way.
My sister has had a lot happen between boyfriends and school, and the stress she is putting on my family is hard. and I apparently did the same thing a while back. I'm not sure I want to cause that to my parents again. So I have postponed that until I know I can grasp my own relationship and start one. :)
My parents are incredible and smart and charming and amazing. They know what they are doing and they are amazing people they are strong and wondrous faithful people.
I want everything to be okay, so I'm having faith in God and he knows what's going to happen and let him deal with it. That's why I don't feel stressed, yes I'm upset and a little depressed but what ever is happening with my sister and the problems it brings, I trust God.
But I am able to control my emotions a lot more so I feel numb and not deadly wanting to cut or urge to do anything.
I keep busy with school and music, and chores and friends. :) I enjoy it.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm very concerned for my parents who I see breaking down and freaking out because they don't know what to do. They hurt and I can tell and they are trying their hardest. They are, and they are doing the best they can and I love them and would want to trade places with them to let them free of this burden that is putting drama and hurt into our lives. I want them to be okay, seeing them go crazy or just become numb is hard. Because I don't know what to do or how to help. So I am helpless and making my own way.
My sister has had a lot happen between boyfriends and school, and the stress she is putting on my family is hard. and I apparently did the same thing a while back. I'm not sure I want to cause that to my parents again. So I have postponed that until I know I can grasp my own relationship and start one. :)
My parents are incredible and smart and charming and amazing. They know what they are doing and they are amazing people they are strong and wondrous faithful people.
I want everything to be okay, so I'm having faith in God and he knows what's going to happen and let him deal with it. That's why I don't feel stressed, yes I'm upset and a little depressed but what ever is happening with my sister and the problems it brings, I trust God.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Odd thing of the day,
I feel slighted. and I think I know why and it shouldn't bother me much. but it's not fun.
not by my parents mind you.
Just feel a little left out that I'm not able to jump up and do anything on the spur of the moment with my friends since they are all busy with school and work themselves.
It's annoying and hard to think that I'm going to be lonely for a while....
It is hard to deal with my sister being so hyper and perky and mushy.
Makes me wonder if I was like that, and I most likely was.
BUT I wasn't asking my sister questions about her experiences. I wasn't rubbing in her face that I had a "guy" and she didn't.
I didn't do mushy crap on Skype and Skype a guy 18 billion hours a day!
I didn't get to do that. I wasn't able to fully express my guy and me and claim it to the world.
like she can, and here she compares herself to me.
I feel down today, and it's not fun. I don't know what else to feel.
Will I fail in life? I don't know.
I have a direction with school, but I do enjoy the social aspect of everything and it bothers me to no end that my social life seems empty and I think that's why I can be down and sad.
I think that's the problem I see my friends spur of the moment able to do something and I have to plan in advanced.
I just really don't want to deal with anything right now, not even school. I feel depressed and it's bad.
So here I locked myself in my room, and am trying to focus on school. >.< Idk what to do, just got to buck up and be me right? breathe, and focus on my life.
Just breathe ;)
I feel slighted. and I think I know why and it shouldn't bother me much. but it's not fun.
not by my parents mind you.
Just feel a little left out that I'm not able to jump up and do anything on the spur of the moment with my friends since they are all busy with school and work themselves.
It's annoying and hard to think that I'm going to be lonely for a while....
It is hard to deal with my sister being so hyper and perky and mushy.
Makes me wonder if I was like that, and I most likely was.
BUT I wasn't asking my sister questions about her experiences. I wasn't rubbing in her face that I had a "guy" and she didn't.
I didn't do mushy crap on Skype and Skype a guy 18 billion hours a day!
I didn't get to do that. I wasn't able to fully express my guy and me and claim it to the world.
like she can, and here she compares herself to me.
I feel down today, and it's not fun. I don't know what else to feel.
Will I fail in life? I don't know.
I have a direction with school, but I do enjoy the social aspect of everything and it bothers me to no end that my social life seems empty and I think that's why I can be down and sad.
I think that's the problem I see my friends spur of the moment able to do something and I have to plan in advanced.
I just really don't want to deal with anything right now, not even school. I feel depressed and it's bad.
So here I locked myself in my room, and am trying to focus on school. >.< Idk what to do, just got to buck up and be me right? breathe, and focus on my life.
Just breathe ;)
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJCc6AxxImY
I feel this is my generation and the younger generation after me, it hurts to know all these girls and boys are going to experience heart break over and over for a fling. It's sad. :/
and that and I feel like I had a fling with my friend, and I still hurt from it with constant reminders because my sister wont shut up about it.
She doesn't know how not to ask, because she's enjoying a relationship for 1 month. Ohhh yay go build me a brick wall >.> makes me somewhat upset that she's not considerate of my emotional hurt?
I'm getting better but it still hurts so yeah. -_- :(
I feel this is my generation and the younger generation after me, it hurts to know all these girls and boys are going to experience heart break over and over for a fling. It's sad. :/
and that and I feel like I had a fling with my friend, and I still hurt from it with constant reminders because my sister wont shut up about it.
She doesn't know how not to ask, because she's enjoying a relationship for 1 month. Ohhh yay go build me a brick wall >.> makes me somewhat upset that she's not considerate of my emotional hurt?
I'm getting better but it still hurts so yeah. -_- :(
Friday, August 09, 2013
my heart
My heart breaks as it beats.
My heart cries for it's weak.
My heart denies me my
feelings.
My heart hurts and sobs
My heart is heavy and wont
stop weighing me down.
My heart this, my heart
that.
I have to think with my
head.
I miss him so much in a "intimate way." I want him and I know I've hurt him. I want him to be mine, and forever mine. I want him to need me, and I want to need him. Why is love such a touchy subject?
It hurts so much towards the breaking point. Love is also there to comfort and love you. To hold you close and not let you fall.
Why was I stupid enough to say I'm stepping back? ? ? ?
I was being mature and following my head. I just want him. I need him. He makes me happy :)
He makes me want to better myself. I want to be with him. and I can't.
I wont play around with his emotions either. I wont flirt with him, I respect his emotions and values way to much for that. I wont toil in his hurt or devastate him by playing him. I just want to love him and him love me back.
With his mom in the way, it makes it hard. and I hurt so bad because I love him and can't have him.
My heart cries for it's weak.
My heart denies me my
feelings.
My heart hurts and sobs
My heart is heavy and wont
stop weighing me down.
My heart this, my heart
that.
I have to think with my
head.
I miss him so much in a "intimate way." I want him and I know I've hurt him. I want him to be mine, and forever mine. I want him to need me, and I want to need him. Why is love such a touchy subject?
It hurts so much towards the breaking point. Love is also there to comfort and love you. To hold you close and not let you fall.
Why was I stupid enough to say I'm stepping back? ? ? ?
I was being mature and following my head. I just want him. I need him. He makes me happy :)
He makes me want to better myself. I want to be with him. and I can't.
I wont play around with his emotions either. I wont flirt with him, I respect his emotions and values way to much for that. I wont toil in his hurt or devastate him by playing him. I just want to love him and him love me back.
With his mom in the way, it makes it hard. and I hurt so bad because I love him and can't have him.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
I'm lost.
my stomach drops as I think he will not be mine. I have had to step back from my best friend and only because he needs to grow. I will miss him while he's in McCall (a resort on a lake) and just.
Why is everything spinning around my head. I have to keep my end of the bargain and I just can't stop thinking about him.
My head spins and my heart aches and my blood pounds and I just don't want to let him go! I'm so beside myself I don't know what to do.
I can't deny that I love him, because I do with all my heart and soul and mind and want him to be mine forever and a day. I want him to love me, and give me a life worth living. I can't imagine my life with out it. Only time will tell sadly, as I have stepped back. Because he needs to breathe and grow and develop and learn and roar in the world! I'm excited if I can stay by his side, I'm excited if I can still be a part of his life. I want to know him more. I want more in common but at the same time.
He's mine, he just is. I step back and feel heart broken and realize that I love him. I have for a while now. I know my feelings and my feelings make me feel stupid, but at least I have my head on straight. Because I know what I want and I know what I need.
He's literally my other half. while I'm rambunctious and hyper: he is calm and can make me calm down or even join in the fun of being silly. I want him so bad.
but I must step back.
WHY does the turmoil destroy and devour my heart? why does it consume my thoughts constantly?
When all I can think of is him beside me and loving me, and I loving him and giving and blessing him?!
Why does heart break feel so lonely and underestimated? I want him now, but I know it's for best.
So my head argues back and forth on the subject when I already made a mature choice, But was it the right one? I'm scared that he'll find another girl. I'm scared he wont love me or come back.
better get out of the feelings I have and eliminate them from my life so I don't experience any hurt.
but I Love him I will always love him.
He's amazing and splendid and so indescribable he made me spin 180* he took my breath away and he absolutely blessed and saved me more than once! His eyes sparkle and let me see his soul. I learn more about him and get excited for him when things are going good and going his way.
He just swept me off my feet, with his little quirks or even his smile. His outstanding laugh and his sheepish and embarrassed smile and eyes. The way he blushes! It makes him, him. I can't deny my feelings and saying I love him. It's a wonderful realization but too late. He needs to grow. So here I am wallowing in self pity to know that he needs to grow and I get to be there to watch :)
Why is everything spinning around my head. I have to keep my end of the bargain and I just can't stop thinking about him.
My head spins and my heart aches and my blood pounds and I just don't want to let him go! I'm so beside myself I don't know what to do.
I can't deny that I love him, because I do with all my heart and soul and mind and want him to be mine forever and a day. I want him to love me, and give me a life worth living. I can't imagine my life with out it. Only time will tell sadly, as I have stepped back. Because he needs to breathe and grow and develop and learn and roar in the world! I'm excited if I can stay by his side, I'm excited if I can still be a part of his life. I want to know him more. I want more in common but at the same time.
He's mine, he just is. I step back and feel heart broken and realize that I love him. I have for a while now. I know my feelings and my feelings make me feel stupid, but at least I have my head on straight. Because I know what I want and I know what I need.
He's literally my other half. while I'm rambunctious and hyper: he is calm and can make me calm down or even join in the fun of being silly. I want him so bad.
but I must step back.
WHY does the turmoil destroy and devour my heart? why does it consume my thoughts constantly?
When all I can think of is him beside me and loving me, and I loving him and giving and blessing him?!
Why does heart break feel so lonely and underestimated? I want him now, but I know it's for best.
So my head argues back and forth on the subject when I already made a mature choice, But was it the right one? I'm scared that he'll find another girl. I'm scared he wont love me or come back.
better get out of the feelings I have and eliminate them from my life so I don't experience any hurt.
but I Love him I will always love him.
He's amazing and splendid and so indescribable he made me spin 180* he took my breath away and he absolutely blessed and saved me more than once! His eyes sparkle and let me see his soul. I learn more about him and get excited for him when things are going good and going his way.
He just swept me off my feet, with his little quirks or even his smile. His outstanding laugh and his sheepish and embarrassed smile and eyes. The way he blushes! It makes him, him. I can't deny my feelings and saying I love him. It's a wonderful realization but too late. He needs to grow. So here I am wallowing in self pity to know that he needs to grow and I get to be there to watch :)
Friday, August 02, 2013
So I feel my best friend is drifting away. It's hard to deal with. I want to talk and enjoy their company and shooting aliens (aka covenant from Halo) with them. Why is it so hard to deal with emotions I can't control?
I feel so depressed most of the time, and why? I have no clue. I feel alone and to the point I cant live on much longer like this. Then I'm reminded of the amazing talents and love of my family and friends and a best friend. I want to be able to have more, than what I have. Why cant my world just suddenly be fixed!?!
It's so hard that I've been crying every night, because I don't know what to do about me. I have the most difficult time trying to control my emotions. I try so hard and my efforts are in vain because they don't seem to work. I'll get agitated and depressed for no reason. :(
I want to be me again, and now i feel as if I can't ever be me. I just want to be happy and not scared and amazing and I still can't break out of my shell.
I feel so depressed most of the time, and why? I have no clue. I feel alone and to the point I cant live on much longer like this. Then I'm reminded of the amazing talents and love of my family and friends and a best friend. I want to be able to have more, than what I have. Why cant my world just suddenly be fixed!?!
It's so hard that I've been crying every night, because I don't know what to do about me. I have the most difficult time trying to control my emotions. I try so hard and my efforts are in vain because they don't seem to work. I'll get agitated and depressed for no reason. :(
I want to be me again, and now i feel as if I can't ever be me. I just want to be happy and not scared and amazing and I still can't break out of my shell.
Friday, July 26, 2013
everything ive been through.
http://vimeo.com/51565514
have had an eating disorder,
have cut,
have been suicidal
have been pressured into things about money.
this is my struggle in every detail. except it's a repeat.
have had an eating disorder,
have cut,
have been suicidal
have been pressured into things about money.
this is my struggle in every detail. except it's a repeat.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
I screwed up
So My best friend, let's name him "nick" for right now.
I was in an odd funk last week because I was left alone. I felt so alone. And when I was alone a long time, the last time I was about 14 and that's when I was cutting and so a depression loop started.
Anyway, I had another depression loop, and I felt completely and utterly alone. Nick wasn't there to help because he needed "guy" time, and I can understand that. I know that guys need space.
But Tuesday I was at his house and I had some bottles that were empty so I walked down the stairs to see Nick's sister, *myrtle* As myrtle stood at the bottom of the stair case with her friend I proceeded to hand her the 4 bottles I held. Myrtle looked at me aghast and said, "These aren't mine," I proceeded to do nothing. Myrtle's and Nick's mom voiced her opinion and said, "No, you're right myrtle those are Nick's," Myrtle then proceeded to try and hand them back and I told her that she could put them in the recycle, yes? NO, big big no no.
I'm screwed because I didn't even realized how I was reacting. My friend Nick then proceeded to hate and loathe me because he though I did this intentionally. So between this mishap of my week and being lonely and just wanting someone to be there (Even my brothers and my mom and my dad) and after having no one to talk to, I was taking my frustration with Nick and then my parents out on Myrtle which in turned got me shunned and destroyed mentally and emotionally to the point where I have most likely ruined all ties with my friend and his family. I love them so much I would take a bullet for them. But I'm the one stirring shit up and causing all the drama and baggage to be my main problem when my problem is me.
I'm stupid and arrogant, I don't know how to control the emotions I feel! So here I am doing crap I don't even know I'm doing and later (now in the present time I'm writing this) screwed up and am scrambling to find my bearings to apologize to ask forgiveness and to fix a friendship I ruined.
I feel heart broken and a complete let down myself as my heart crumbles away into a million scraps of mean sorrow hurtful lies. (I know I'm very dramatic)
How can I fathom or even interest you on how much I care for this family and my "best" friend?
When I hurt his sister and then He takes it personally?
I feel dead, nothing inside. How can I cause the people I care about pain?
Why do I have to feel that pain, that hurt that I inflicted with no intention.
Needless to say, most of it is straightened out. Most, remember.
then there is the question why I can't be in control of my damned emotions or why I can't be smart and sensible and shut up once in a while? or even the fact I was cleaning Nick's upstairs room when I'm not even a part of his house? (because I love them)
I just need to go figure things out. I need to tread lightly. It's three strikes you're out? I'm on 2.
One caused by my sister last summer saying to Myrtle, "Wow Myrtle you really do work"
My sister doesn't know anything about my personal friends' lives, and if she does it's very small. I will only tell her things now, knowing she will babble-- so that she doesn't offend anyone.
I took the blame for it, I went up to Katie all humbled because Courtney would have destroyed my friendship. I hurt so bad after that.
And now this. :(
I was in an odd funk last week because I was left alone. I felt so alone. And when I was alone a long time, the last time I was about 14 and that's when I was cutting and so a depression loop started.
Anyway, I had another depression loop, and I felt completely and utterly alone. Nick wasn't there to help because he needed "guy" time, and I can understand that. I know that guys need space.
But Tuesday I was at his house and I had some bottles that were empty so I walked down the stairs to see Nick's sister, *myrtle* As myrtle stood at the bottom of the stair case with her friend I proceeded to hand her the 4 bottles I held. Myrtle looked at me aghast and said, "These aren't mine," I proceeded to do nothing. Myrtle's and Nick's mom voiced her opinion and said, "No, you're right myrtle those are Nick's," Myrtle then proceeded to try and hand them back and I told her that she could put them in the recycle, yes? NO, big big no no.
I'm screwed because I didn't even realized how I was reacting. My friend Nick then proceeded to hate and loathe me because he though I did this intentionally. So between this mishap of my week and being lonely and just wanting someone to be there (Even my brothers and my mom and my dad) and after having no one to talk to, I was taking my frustration with Nick and then my parents out on Myrtle which in turned got me shunned and destroyed mentally and emotionally to the point where I have most likely ruined all ties with my friend and his family. I love them so much I would take a bullet for them. But I'm the one stirring shit up and causing all the drama and baggage to be my main problem when my problem is me.
I'm stupid and arrogant, I don't know how to control the emotions I feel! So here I am doing crap I don't even know I'm doing and later (now in the present time I'm writing this) screwed up and am scrambling to find my bearings to apologize to ask forgiveness and to fix a friendship I ruined.
I feel heart broken and a complete let down myself as my heart crumbles away into a million scraps of mean sorrow hurtful lies. (I know I'm very dramatic)
How can I fathom or even interest you on how much I care for this family and my "best" friend?
When I hurt his sister and then He takes it personally?
I feel dead, nothing inside. How can I cause the people I care about pain?
Why do I have to feel that pain, that hurt that I inflicted with no intention.
Needless to say, most of it is straightened out. Most, remember.
then there is the question why I can't be in control of my damned emotions or why I can't be smart and sensible and shut up once in a while? or even the fact I was cleaning Nick's upstairs room when I'm not even a part of his house? (because I love them)
I just need to go figure things out. I need to tread lightly. It's three strikes you're out? I'm on 2.
One caused by my sister last summer saying to Myrtle, "Wow Myrtle you really do work"
My sister doesn't know anything about my personal friends' lives, and if she does it's very small. I will only tell her things now, knowing she will babble-- so that she doesn't offend anyone.
I took the blame for it, I went up to Katie all humbled because Courtney would have destroyed my friendship. I hurt so bad after that.
And now this. :(
Monday, July 08, 2013
I'm at the edge of uncertainty
As we're letting go of who we are
You might think you found a better place
Closed your heart, you're far too far
You must be mistaken
Probably confused
How can you not feel it
Just a phase you're going through
Just a space without me and you
*
I never knew just how close I was to nowhere
When I was so close, to you
I never knew just how close I was to nothing
When I was so lost, in you
*Down to nothing
Down to nothing
Close to nowhere
Nothing
I like the lyrics to this song. :) just catchy :)
I like my iPod because the "notes" app is very helpful when I need to rant and don't want anyone to see it. :) Yes, I'm telling you but you don't have my iPod or my code to get in.... so :) yup.
As we're letting go of who we are
You might think you found a better place
Closed your heart, you're far too far
You must be mistaken
Probably confused
How can you not feel it
Just a phase you're going through
Just a space without me and you
*
I never knew just how close I was to nowhere
When I was so close, to you
I never knew just how close I was to nothing
When I was so lost, in you
*Down to nothing
Down to nothing
Close to nowhere
Nothing
I like the lyrics to this song. :) just catchy :)
I like my iPod because the "notes" app is very helpful when I need to rant and don't want anyone to see it. :) Yes, I'm telling you but you don't have my iPod or my code to get in.... so :) yup.
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
I feel all wonderful and fuzzy inside
yep, I really do feel all wonderful and fuzzy inside >.> no, really I do. >.>
yeah been "that" type of week. I've been depressed and totally oblivious to what's going on. I don't know how to face crap and if anything happens I blame myself.
but lately I've been feeling let down. why? I have several ideas why.
1) I got back from DC and had a week to settle down and then sean and roland leave for a boy scout camp 6 days after I'm back. They're gone, and normally I'd be happy but I miss them a little much at the moment. So they're not here to make noise, so it's quiet.
2) I'm being left alone. (which is a horrrrrrrible idea)
Mom has school, dad has work and only plays his playstation games. Courtney's been working.
and I'm left to do nothing but mope and keep to myself because they all have a life and I don't.
3) my best friend hasn't been reaching out to contact me unless it's at two in the morning. Hello?! I'm sleeping! Granted, I still talk because I miss them that much. But the only way we talk before that is when I (ME) have to reach out to THEM. They don't contact me often, so it's making me feel left out..
Now, I know my best friend has a life and is trying to support a mutual friend in a hard times right now, and I encourage my friend to help the mutual friend. They need the support. So, I can't complain when I say "yeah, go it's no problem *insert best friend's name* You're fine and need to encourage *Mutual friend's name* I understand and grasp where you're coming from. So go help them. I'll be right here. Ttyl." and that's how it goes. :/
But maybe I'm pushing them to hard, in wanting to be my best friend, maybe I need to let up in what I say and do and how I'm around them. I don't know what else to do but think that I'm the problem and I'm the one causing trouble, and I don't know if I am or not. I'm just ughghgh Is it me or them or both of us? I just want answers but I'm afraid to ask incase I might scare my best friend away. :(
anyway part of me feeling depleted of energy might be because I've been let down.
I have a friend and their parents were coming to pick me up at some point, they were about 1-2 hrs late to get me. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want them to take me back to their house to hang with a friend because I was let down. (so that made my mood worse) But I already forgive them... and I punish myself because they were harmless in the matter.
Another friend contacted me about hanging out and then had to run errands so, I was left hanging again to wait another day in anticipation of a wonderful breakthrough from depression.
anyway, I find it difficult and just need to be around people. it's hard being alone. and if I move out, I need to have a lot of room-mates. HAHA
yeah been "that" type of week. I've been depressed and totally oblivious to what's going on. I don't know how to face crap and if anything happens I blame myself.
but lately I've been feeling let down. why? I have several ideas why.
1) I got back from DC and had a week to settle down and then sean and roland leave for a boy scout camp 6 days after I'm back. They're gone, and normally I'd be happy but I miss them a little much at the moment. So they're not here to make noise, so it's quiet.
2) I'm being left alone. (which is a horrrrrrrible idea)
Mom has school, dad has work and only plays his playstation games. Courtney's been working.
and I'm left to do nothing but mope and keep to myself because they all have a life and I don't.
3) my best friend hasn't been reaching out to contact me unless it's at two in the morning. Hello?! I'm sleeping! Granted, I still talk because I miss them that much. But the only way we talk before that is when I (ME) have to reach out to THEM. They don't contact me often, so it's making me feel left out..
Now, I know my best friend has a life and is trying to support a mutual friend in a hard times right now, and I encourage my friend to help the mutual friend. They need the support. So, I can't complain when I say "yeah, go it's no problem *insert best friend's name* You're fine and need to encourage *Mutual friend's name* I understand and grasp where you're coming from. So go help them. I'll be right here. Ttyl." and that's how it goes. :/
But maybe I'm pushing them to hard, in wanting to be my best friend, maybe I need to let up in what I say and do and how I'm around them. I don't know what else to do but think that I'm the problem and I'm the one causing trouble, and I don't know if I am or not. I'm just ughghgh Is it me or them or both of us? I just want answers but I'm afraid to ask incase I might scare my best friend away. :(
anyway part of me feeling depleted of energy might be because I've been let down.
I have a friend and their parents were coming to pick me up at some point, they were about 1-2 hrs late to get me. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want them to take me back to their house to hang with a friend because I was let down. (so that made my mood worse) But I already forgive them... and I punish myself because they were harmless in the matter.
Another friend contacted me about hanging out and then had to run errands so, I was left hanging again to wait another day in anticipation of a wonderful breakthrough from depression.
anyway, I find it difficult and just need to be around people. it's hard being alone. and if I move out, I need to have a lot of room-mates. HAHA
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Washington trip 6-21-13
Today was nice.
I'm getting tired of eggs though, I think now I will not eat eggs for the rest of the year or something ;)
but today is my birthday and I'm now 18 :) it's nice but I don't feel any different. (no longer jail bait though ;)
Today we went to Mt Vernon :) George Washington's home. :) I was so excited for it! It's been my dream since 2nd grade to see his home. Anyway we had friends come up from Virginia (they drove three hours) and they used to live in Boise with us, then moved. Anyway they drove up and got us from the hotel and we enjoyed mount Vernon together :)
After we were there for a while and burning out (me anyway) we got lunch and after looking around his whole mansion which was just amazing... granted there was reconstruction going on around everything. :3 so it didn't feel like you stepped into history, but just the beautiful architecture
We enjoyed walking around the estate. :) it was pretty and there was an ongoing joke that we would get eaten by a bear if we went off trail. It was just enjoyable to spend time with friendly faces.
Another ongoing joke, is saying happy birthday or singing happy birthday to me all day at random moments. ;)
I think though, the most amazing part of the adventure at Mt. Vernon was the laying of the wreath on George Washington's grave. A director instructed two veterans to do the ceremony as another person read the prayer, out loud, that George Washington wrote himself. It was a powerful moment.
The two veterans looked like they were about in tears, because they were given a chance to do something so honnorable. It was neat and just heart-warming and breath-taking at the same time.
Afterwards we went to the huntington station to go to union station because I was ripped off in a way.... :3 but not really.
I bought a pair of earings for courtney and they weren't in the hotel room or the bag that I bought them in. So we went downt to the store and talked with the manager, and was given a free pair.
I loved them sooo much for doing that.
:)
We went home and, that's when I got my back pack tied to me, in an infinity knot sort of way. I thought it was funny, and then I got it undone. :)
I also just facetimed my best friend :) I was very happy to see them (even if over internet ;)
I'm getting tired of eggs though, I think now I will not eat eggs for the rest of the year or something ;)
but today is my birthday and I'm now 18 :) it's nice but I don't feel any different. (no longer jail bait though ;)
Today we went to Mt Vernon :) George Washington's home. :) I was so excited for it! It's been my dream since 2nd grade to see his home. Anyway we had friends come up from Virginia (they drove three hours) and they used to live in Boise with us, then moved. Anyway they drove up and got us from the hotel and we enjoyed mount Vernon together :)
After we were there for a while and burning out (me anyway) we got lunch and after looking around his whole mansion which was just amazing... granted there was reconstruction going on around everything. :3 so it didn't feel like you stepped into history, but just the beautiful architecture
We enjoyed walking around the estate. :) it was pretty and there was an ongoing joke that we would get eaten by a bear if we went off trail. It was just enjoyable to spend time with friendly faces.
Another ongoing joke, is saying happy birthday or singing happy birthday to me all day at random moments. ;)
I think though, the most amazing part of the adventure at Mt. Vernon was the laying of the wreath on George Washington's grave. A director instructed two veterans to do the ceremony as another person read the prayer, out loud, that George Washington wrote himself. It was a powerful moment.
The two veterans looked like they were about in tears, because they were given a chance to do something so honnorable. It was neat and just heart-warming and breath-taking at the same time.
Afterwards we went to the huntington station to go to union station because I was ripped off in a way.... :3 but not really.
I bought a pair of earings for courtney and they weren't in the hotel room or the bag that I bought them in. So we went downt to the store and talked with the manager, and was given a free pair.
I loved them sooo much for doing that.
:)
We went home and, that's when I got my back pack tied to me, in an infinity knot sort of way. I thought it was funny, and then I got it undone. :)
I also just facetimed my best friend :) I was very happy to see them (even if over internet ;)
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Washington trip 6-20-13
Today was Thursday, and it was reallllly long ;)
haha there was food I could actually eat for breakfast today, besides oatmeal and eggs. There was hash browns and awesome yummy food :) very happy.
Mom and I went to the zoo, here and I took a lot of photos and videos. :) stopped in the shop and got everyone something (gifts again ;) lol not everyone got something from the zoo. Anyway the highlight was seeing my otters! and they were playing with each other and doing flips and going pounce and attacking each other playfully, they were enjoyable to watch and then, we found the elephants, I love elephants!!! Just Emily Heaven! :D :D :D I enjoyed the zoo soooo much. Then mom and I found the Pandas :) the pandas were soooo cute and we caught them while they were eating bamboo. There is soo much bamboo around the zoo you couldn't see through it. There were cheetahs also and they were only 14 months old. They were adorable and reminded me a lot of Hancel (my cat at home) Then we walked over to the tigers and were going to enjoy a show by the zoo with the tigers, and it didn't happen. Courtney also called a lot of times needing a lot of advice. We helped and then we went to go see the lemurs and get pictures for rolly, also there were turtles! and more otters and wolfs and it was just a blast.
We then went to get coffee and walk back to the metro to go back to the Air and Space Museum to get gifts for the family again.... how much stuff can I stuff in my backpack before the airport charges me over fees. ;)
it was an interesting metro ride though, lots of people and then this fat guy.... who smelt really really bad. >.<
and
After the museum we went and found dinner first, at a place called Roti and they cater to gluten free and intolerant people. They called someone off break to specially work with my food and gluten free bread so no cross contamination would happen, that made me feel special and I will recommend them to anyone who comes out this far :) in the L'EnFant Plaza Food court Metro Stop :)
After the museum we went to the Baseball game we had tickets for from the congressional office, and then we also found my friend Caroline from the ceremony. I love her so dearly! She's my twin!
Born a week older than me, and we did a lot of the same goals and activities for our Gold medals.
We are both Christian and Homeschooled it is just awesome to know someone else like me with the same interests. :) I enjoy her company and I was very hyper, which she didn't mind. Normally I have people tell me to calm down, and so this time no one said that and I was able to just goof around and talk with my twin :) She is awesome :D now I have a friend in the east ;)
hehe
Now I'm at the hotel and enjoying the down time, and soon to bed. :) have a great night people.
Emily <3 p="">
haha there was food I could actually eat for breakfast today, besides oatmeal and eggs. There was hash browns and awesome yummy food :) very happy.
Mom and I went to the zoo, here and I took a lot of photos and videos. :) stopped in the shop and got everyone something (gifts again ;) lol not everyone got something from the zoo. Anyway the highlight was seeing my otters! and they were playing with each other and doing flips and going pounce and attacking each other playfully, they were enjoyable to watch and then, we found the elephants, I love elephants!!! Just Emily Heaven! :D :D :D I enjoyed the zoo soooo much. Then mom and I found the Pandas :) the pandas were soooo cute and we caught them while they were eating bamboo. There is soo much bamboo around the zoo you couldn't see through it. There were cheetahs also and they were only 14 months old. They were adorable and reminded me a lot of Hancel (my cat at home) Then we walked over to the tigers and were going to enjoy a show by the zoo with the tigers, and it didn't happen. Courtney also called a lot of times needing a lot of advice. We helped and then we went to go see the lemurs and get pictures for rolly, also there were turtles! and more otters and wolfs and it was just a blast.
We then went to get coffee and walk back to the metro to go back to the Air and Space Museum to get gifts for the family again.... how much stuff can I stuff in my backpack before the airport charges me over fees. ;)
it was an interesting metro ride though, lots of people and then this fat guy.... who smelt really really bad. >.<
and
After the museum we went and found dinner first, at a place called Roti and they cater to gluten free and intolerant people. They called someone off break to specially work with my food and gluten free bread so no cross contamination would happen, that made me feel special and I will recommend them to anyone who comes out this far :) in the L'EnFant Plaza Food court Metro Stop :)
After the museum we went to the Baseball game we had tickets for from the congressional office, and then we also found my friend Caroline from the ceremony. I love her so dearly! She's my twin!
Born a week older than me, and we did a lot of the same goals and activities for our Gold medals.
We are both Christian and Homeschooled it is just awesome to know someone else like me with the same interests. :) I enjoy her company and I was very hyper, which she didn't mind. Normally I have people tell me to calm down, and so this time no one said that and I was able to just goof around and talk with my twin :) She is awesome :D now I have a friend in the east ;)
hehe
Now I'm at the hotel and enjoying the down time, and soon to bed. :) have a great night people.
Emily <3 p="">
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Washington DC trip 6-19-13
WE slept in! (well only a little, ;)
mom and I were both hesitant to get out of bed this morning. We both miss the family and I think that is what is making this trip a little harder than normal (because it's normally the whole family together :)
We ate, and sneaked food away from the watchful eyes of the cafeteria (evil flame head >.< rude temper woman) [[so I could have snacks for later :) ]] anywho, we got ready and waited for the shuttle. (today was an off day with the shuttle) they had too short of staff, they were taking forever! So we get on the metro and then walk to the Capitol. Once there, we had to divert our wonderful path for all the slow walking people towards this rally/tea-party participation group ;) ( aka rally) out on the Capitol's front lawn.
The congressional award took pictures. I was in several of them. The main group picture, the homeschool picture, the Idaho picture, and the RedCross picture. All very fun, my cheeks hurt from smiling though.
After pictures mom and I headed to the botanical gardens where they have a cat walk, walk around in the tops of the trees for their main room. There are more plants than flowers which I was expecting the way people here were talking about it :) Still took a lot of pictures!
We then went to the Cannon building for the ceremony. I had to be in there first, with the other congressionalist to be told what to do. The guy who directed us, was hilarious and just joyful to be around.
All the other congressionalist, were very strict and droned out. They didn't want to be there, you could tell.
I started to fall asleep during the ceremony after I had my medal. (they had two ceremonies, because of soo many people and winners)
Anyway the day was long, after the ceremony mom and I tried dashing to the Air and Space museum, with 27 minutes till closing. I also snapped about 70 pictures with in the 27 minutes to preserve the memory. Would have loved to spend more time there for my mom, and also go to the cemetery and changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier.
We then tried figuring out Old King's St. Which is the place to get food around here, we got lost instead and found a Whole Foods Store, which (Idaho, Boise) has and I love it and then we bought fruit and crackers, these heaven crackers and some cheese :D I loved it and just yummy and then we found some bars for tomorrow and friday for when we are walking around on the go and I get hungry ;)
Well that's it :) I had fun and got more gifts for people :)
Emily <3 p="">
mom and I were both hesitant to get out of bed this morning. We both miss the family and I think that is what is making this trip a little harder than normal (because it's normally the whole family together :)
We ate, and sneaked food away from the watchful eyes of the cafeteria (evil flame head >.< rude temper woman) [[so I could have snacks for later :) ]] anywho, we got ready and waited for the shuttle. (today was an off day with the shuttle) they had too short of staff, they were taking forever! So we get on the metro and then walk to the Capitol. Once there, we had to divert our wonderful path for all the slow walking people towards this rally/tea-party participation group ;) ( aka rally) out on the Capitol's front lawn.
The congressional award took pictures. I was in several of them. The main group picture, the homeschool picture, the Idaho picture, and the RedCross picture. All very fun, my cheeks hurt from smiling though.
After pictures mom and I headed to the botanical gardens where they have a cat walk, walk around in the tops of the trees for their main room. There are more plants than flowers which I was expecting the way people here were talking about it :) Still took a lot of pictures!
We then went to the Cannon building for the ceremony. I had to be in there first, with the other congressionalist to be told what to do. The guy who directed us, was hilarious and just joyful to be around.
All the other congressionalist, were very strict and droned out. They didn't want to be there, you could tell.
I started to fall asleep during the ceremony after I had my medal. (they had two ceremonies, because of soo many people and winners)
Anyway the day was long, after the ceremony mom and I tried dashing to the Air and Space museum, with 27 minutes till closing. I also snapped about 70 pictures with in the 27 minutes to preserve the memory. Would have loved to spend more time there for my mom, and also go to the cemetery and changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier.
We then tried figuring out Old King's St. Which is the place to get food around here, we got lost instead and found a Whole Foods Store, which (Idaho, Boise) has and I love it and then we bought fruit and crackers, these heaven crackers and some cheese :D I loved it and just yummy and then we found some bars for tomorrow and friday for when we are walking around on the go and I get hungry ;)
Well that's it :) I had fun and got more gifts for people :)
Emily <3 p="">
Washington DC trip 6-18-13
So today mom and I were out since 0900.
On the metro this morning, there was a lady that mom and I struck up a conversation with. She kept asking me what field of study I had gone into. What I graduated from. It was funny I saw her actions to my answers for her. The conversation the lady, my mom, and I had.. The lady thought I was too smart for my own good. That I was wise. Hence why she asked me 2 times what my field of study was. I thought that was hilarious! (homeschoolers for the win! SCORE!)
We met with representative Labrador from the district I live in. He is absolutely charming. :) He made my experience wonderful. He broke the ice very quickly and was inviting also. :) He's an interesting man and I would love to get to know him more.He also impacted my experience in a great way. He was busy, so when we met we had about 5 minutes to talk.
In order to meet him though, we made it to the office and then were lead through this underground basement that connected two buildings and offices, meeting rooms and such. It was incredible and crazy and I was trying to figure out how to think my way through the maze or labyrinth. It's like the congressmen want you to get stuck down in the basement and be swallowed by the government ;) and be minions or something.
After meeting Labrador mom and I went to go to the main part of the Holocaust museum using our tickets from the day previous. We got these passport books that were about the real people in the Holocaust and their story. Every floor we went to you would flip a page for that time era (You go up an elevator and go to the fourth floor downwards.) So we started and just seeing the artifacts, the clothes they wore at concentration camps. Things that were donated to the museum made the experience more real.
The 4th (1st floor I was on) was the history behind everything, which wasn't too bad. There also was a scroll from a sinagag out of a ghetto of Jews, and some kids were reading it! that was cool! Sadly there were no pictures allowed. I feel very sad I could not remember the experience in the future with out the pictures. (I like visual reminders) The 3rd (2nd floor) started the whole experience of seeing artifacts. There were brief stories of where they cam from. I saw a stained glass window from a sinagog also from a Jewish ghetto at the time. The ghetto was bombed and the stained glass window showed and proved this. There were rails from the original railroads in Poland leading to camp Treblinka. Upon the railroad tracks were a cart for travel to and from concentration camps.You could walk through it, it wasn't an actual car, but a replica. There was luggage of actual victims from the Holocaust, beside the car. With names and numbers still written all over them, in different languages. Different handwriting all unique and individual. There were artifacts from Auschwitz bowls, and bunks of the mass murdering camps. The second level and third level held the pictured wall that you always see in most in documentaries. **I'll try to find a picture.** but anyway the picture wall is huge and I was showing mom and pointing out pictures of survivors that I had listened or watched their story. The thing that touched me most, was the shoes that were there. The shoes were in small piles, (Auschwitz has millions upon millions in containers on display) There was one shoe on my right, in the middle of the pile. It was white-ish. There was an amazing connection between seeing it and just experiencing it.
All through out the museum, all through out the tears that came and flooded my sight. "My people!" a strong voice proclaimed. "My people" A voice whispered in sorrow and remorse. "My people" the voice cried in agony. Every time the voice spoke, my heart was destroyed, my knees buckled, my eyes fogged up more. My brain went blank and from the deepest part of my soul I wept for my people as well. Even though Jesus was betrayed by the people he loved and there they were dying a horrific death. Jesus was still weeping for them.
Walked in the rain to a starbucks for more coffee, which was awesome :) and then went to meet Senator Crapo
Met with Senator Mike Crapo (Cray-poe) It was nice, and he was gentle and calm. He was a human and not a politic, same with Labrador. Crapo was a good visit got pictures and criticized for my mismatching socks by another homeschoolers' family that will remain nameless and ignored, because they are a family my mom and I don't see eye to eye with. But heck they are the past and I am awesome ;)
We went to Union Station which is this giant shopping center bigger than the Boise Mall by 5 times.
Bought some gifts for my family and friends :) (can't tell you or they might see)
Then went to the Hyatt Building for the reception and dinner, which was boring with no food ;)
Jk it's to help present the people that run the program with awards. There were three songs, One quoted, one sung and made previously to showing, and one made up on the fly by Doug E Fresh :) which I have a video of :D which is toooo cooool! Loved the people I sat with, even though Labrador could not make it (I was at his table because I'm the only one from his District and it is awesome!)
Just a wonderful night and was blessed, then when back at the hotel; I shoved my face full of food I could eat.
I facetimed my best friend back home for a while and waited for my sister to call, not half 'n' hour later :)
enjoyed today and enjoyed everything, Truly, I say. I am blessed.
On the metro this morning, there was a lady that mom and I struck up a conversation with. She kept asking me what field of study I had gone into. What I graduated from. It was funny I saw her actions to my answers for her. The conversation the lady, my mom, and I had.. The lady thought I was too smart for my own good. That I was wise. Hence why she asked me 2 times what my field of study was. I thought that was hilarious! (homeschoolers for the win! SCORE!)
We met with representative Labrador from the district I live in. He is absolutely charming. :) He made my experience wonderful. He broke the ice very quickly and was inviting also. :) He's an interesting man and I would love to get to know him more.He also impacted my experience in a great way. He was busy, so when we met we had about 5 minutes to talk.
In order to meet him though, we made it to the office and then were lead through this underground basement that connected two buildings and offices, meeting rooms and such. It was incredible and crazy and I was trying to figure out how to think my way through the maze or labyrinth. It's like the congressmen want you to get stuck down in the basement and be swallowed by the government ;) and be minions or something.
After meeting Labrador mom and I went to go to the main part of the Holocaust museum using our tickets from the day previous. We got these passport books that were about the real people in the Holocaust and their story. Every floor we went to you would flip a page for that time era (You go up an elevator and go to the fourth floor downwards.) So we started and just seeing the artifacts, the clothes they wore at concentration camps. Things that were donated to the museum made the experience more real.
The 4th (1st floor I was on) was the history behind everything, which wasn't too bad. There also was a scroll from a sinagag out of a ghetto of Jews, and some kids were reading it! that was cool! Sadly there were no pictures allowed. I feel very sad I could not remember the experience in the future with out the pictures. (I like visual reminders) The 3rd (2nd floor) started the whole experience of seeing artifacts. There were brief stories of where they cam from. I saw a stained glass window from a sinagog also from a Jewish ghetto at the time. The ghetto was bombed and the stained glass window showed and proved this. There were rails from the original railroads in Poland leading to camp Treblinka. Upon the railroad tracks were a cart for travel to and from concentration camps.You could walk through it, it wasn't an actual car, but a replica. There was luggage of actual victims from the Holocaust, beside the car. With names and numbers still written all over them, in different languages. Different handwriting all unique and individual. There were artifacts from Auschwitz bowls, and bunks of the mass murdering camps. The second level and third level held the pictured wall that you always see in most in documentaries. **I'll try to find a picture.** but anyway the picture wall is huge and I was showing mom and pointing out pictures of survivors that I had listened or watched their story. The thing that touched me most, was the shoes that were there. The shoes were in small piles, (Auschwitz has millions upon millions in containers on display) There was one shoe on my right, in the middle of the pile. It was white-ish. There was an amazing connection between seeing it and just experiencing it.
All through out the museum, all through out the tears that came and flooded my sight. "My people!" a strong voice proclaimed. "My people" A voice whispered in sorrow and remorse. "My people" the voice cried in agony. Every time the voice spoke, my heart was destroyed, my knees buckled, my eyes fogged up more. My brain went blank and from the deepest part of my soul I wept for my people as well. Even though Jesus was betrayed by the people he loved and there they were dying a horrific death. Jesus was still weeping for them.
Walked in the rain to a starbucks for more coffee, which was awesome :) and then went to meet Senator Crapo
Met with Senator Mike Crapo (Cray-poe) It was nice, and he was gentle and calm. He was a human and not a politic, same with Labrador. Crapo was a good visit got pictures and criticized for my mismatching socks by another homeschoolers' family that will remain nameless and ignored, because they are a family my mom and I don't see eye to eye with. But heck they are the past and I am awesome ;)
We went to Union Station which is this giant shopping center bigger than the Boise Mall by 5 times.
Bought some gifts for my family and friends :) (can't tell you or they might see)
Then went to the Hyatt Building for the reception and dinner, which was boring with no food ;)
Jk it's to help present the people that run the program with awards. There were three songs, One quoted, one sung and made previously to showing, and one made up on the fly by Doug E Fresh :) which I have a video of :D which is toooo cooool! Loved the people I sat with, even though Labrador could not make it (I was at his table because I'm the only one from his District and it is awesome!)
Just a wonderful night and was blessed, then when back at the hotel; I shoved my face full of food I could eat.
I facetimed my best friend back home for a while and waited for my sister to call, not half 'n' hour later :)
enjoyed today and enjoyed everything, Truly, I say. I am blessed.
Monday, June 17, 2013
WashingtonDC trip 6-17-13
So wow, where to begin?
Mom and I had a hard time sleeping, she kept snoring and I kept sleep talking and moving and sleep walking all night. I find it funny though :)
Anyway, we went down to breakfast, after getting ready for the day, around 6:45 and was shuttled to the Metro by 0730 and soon on our way to our first destination (the Library of Congress).
First the metro station, is really cool! But I didn't know it went underground (mostly forgot in all my excitement ;) anyway, we went underground. Over bridges and crazily enough repeated a cycle of underground, and then above for a while. There were many stops along the metro we had to take, so it did take a while. As the train pulled into an underground station, I was like whoa! there's another city down here XD and then when it came to mom and I having to get off on our stop underground, we came to find out that the metro we needed was on ANOTHER level! so there were two levels to the metro underground, one above ground and I was astonished that the metro was that complex XD
Next stop the Jefferson Building. Oh my word! The history behind it! just amazing :) Got to go view the main reading room (that's in national treasure's 2?) the statues in that room were incredible (they didn't let you take pictures of anything really.. which really stinks, but I will remember it :) there were different statues there representing the different science and things that were brought to America for development of the nation.
Then the book collection of Thomas Jefferson :) he sold 6,000 books total to the library, then when the white house (the library stash at the time) was burnt down there were roughly around 1/3 of his collection unharmed, and the rest of his collection is being replaced by congress. Walking around the whole building though was a gift in itself. The architecture and design of everything, made me think how skilled these men and women are to make this building. There are entire marble columns and staircases. :) it was a beautiful sight.
After that, mom and I went back on the metro to go pick up the bikes we were to ride around on all day. We got lost-ish. We just went the wrong way, right place! Wrong way ;)
We got the bike with a group-on which saved millions right there. 2 dollars more for the group-on for the whole day till close, than the 2 hour pass. Once we got our bikes, we headed towards the "Mall."
The mall is where all the main museums and visitor centers are. Mom and I traveled to look at the Declaration of Independence, but we were unable to get in.
So we grabbed icecream for lunch lol, and head to the Capitol building. Where we got a personalized tour of everything :) it was incredible :) knowing the history of the it and how the House and Senate, switched places. Saw some old courtrooms. :) Statues of famous people, ghost stories and the works. Also have a House and Senate pass, meaning I can go watch them debate stuff in the room! We didn't use the passes sadly. I was about dead from no sleep. So mom and I went to go get lunch-fries and pudding (to share),
Next we took our bikes and rode around the mall, and towards the Jefferson Memorial. :) ((after we found coffee for me and mom to wake up because we were dead on our feet, to say)) it was fun, we got caught in a Down poor of rain,. As in a flash flood type of rain. The rain drops were huge! :) I wanted to dance in the rain, and then kept stopping myself, because I didn't want to be wet ;)
Do you know how tall the Jefferson statue is? or the pillars to hold up the place? Its Massive! we waited out the rain storm and continued on our way :)
After Jefferson was the FDR memorial, which we walked backward unintentionally, took a lot of pictures, sadly that's when the camera started to die. So, we took pictures as soon as we could. :) and as fast too.
I kept shuffling my feet along the memorial's ground stones, because I was afraid of slipping like I always do on wet slick surfaces ;) mom was more accident prone today than me... so I am okay ;)
Found a shirt and hat that I absolutely love :) want to find stuff for my family and best friend though :)
Then we went to see the Lincoln Memorial, needles to say I hate stairs at the moment.... so many and me slipping on them is just a curse waiting to happen. Haha. He's huge! Lincoln is big! and then we tried finding the bookstore after going down steps to find an elevator taking us back up to the main part of the memorial and to the bookstore. Again, I went down the elevator ( I really don't like them, they make me dizzy. but I was tired of the steps!)
We left and visited the Vietnam and Korean war monuments. then the walls of remembrance (not the real name.) Some dumb dude was being very disrespectful though. We went on the the WWII memorial, not the holocaust museum. Also the Boyscout Memorial, and the White House. Returned the bikes and headed home. We went to the little store here at the hotel and got dinner lol. **
Anyway, long day and eventful one at that. Mom says I'm more reasonable with food in my stomach ;)
haha throwing that out there ;)
Came home, showered wrote a lot. ate food :) It was a great day :) lots of pictures too :) soo happy I had a camera :D
Emily <3 br="" nbsp="">
** twitter -- emilina_lilly :) look for most recent post and find what my dinner was :P lol it's sad ;)
Mom and I had a hard time sleeping, she kept snoring and I kept sleep talking and moving and sleep walking all night. I find it funny though :)
Anyway, we went down to breakfast, after getting ready for the day, around 6:45 and was shuttled to the Metro by 0730 and soon on our way to our first destination (the Library of Congress).
First the metro station, is really cool! But I didn't know it went underground (mostly forgot in all my excitement ;) anyway, we went underground. Over bridges and crazily enough repeated a cycle of underground, and then above for a while. There were many stops along the metro we had to take, so it did take a while. As the train pulled into an underground station, I was like whoa! there's another city down here XD and then when it came to mom and I having to get off on our stop underground, we came to find out that the metro we needed was on ANOTHER level! so there were two levels to the metro underground, one above ground and I was astonished that the metro was that complex XD
Next stop the Jefferson Building. Oh my word! The history behind it! just amazing :) Got to go view the main reading room (that's in national treasure's 2?) the statues in that room were incredible (they didn't let you take pictures of anything really.. which really stinks, but I will remember it :) there were different statues there representing the different science and things that were brought to America for development of the nation.
Then the book collection of Thomas Jefferson :) he sold 6,000 books total to the library, then when the white house (the library stash at the time) was burnt down there were roughly around 1/3 of his collection unharmed, and the rest of his collection is being replaced by congress. Walking around the whole building though was a gift in itself. The architecture and design of everything, made me think how skilled these men and women are to make this building. There are entire marble columns and staircases. :) it was a beautiful sight.
After that, mom and I went back on the metro to go pick up the bikes we were to ride around on all day. We got lost-ish. We just went the wrong way, right place! Wrong way ;)
We got the bike with a group-on which saved millions right there. 2 dollars more for the group-on for the whole day till close, than the 2 hour pass. Once we got our bikes, we headed towards the "Mall."
The mall is where all the main museums and visitor centers are. Mom and I traveled to look at the Declaration of Independence, but we were unable to get in.
So we grabbed icecream for lunch lol, and head to the Capitol building. Where we got a personalized tour of everything :) it was incredible :) knowing the history of the it and how the House and Senate, switched places. Saw some old courtrooms. :) Statues of famous people, ghost stories and the works. Also have a House and Senate pass, meaning I can go watch them debate stuff in the room! We didn't use the passes sadly. I was about dead from no sleep. So mom and I went to go get lunch-fries and pudding (to share),
Next we took our bikes and rode around the mall, and towards the Jefferson Memorial. :) ((after we found coffee for me and mom to wake up because we were dead on our feet, to say)) it was fun, we got caught in a Down poor of rain,. As in a flash flood type of rain. The rain drops were huge! :) I wanted to dance in the rain, and then kept stopping myself, because I didn't want to be wet ;)
Do you know how tall the Jefferson statue is? or the pillars to hold up the place? Its Massive! we waited out the rain storm and continued on our way :)
After Jefferson was the FDR memorial, which we walked backward unintentionally, took a lot of pictures, sadly that's when the camera started to die. So, we took pictures as soon as we could. :) and as fast too.
I kept shuffling my feet along the memorial's ground stones, because I was afraid of slipping like I always do on wet slick surfaces ;) mom was more accident prone today than me... so I am okay ;)
Found a shirt and hat that I absolutely love :) want to find stuff for my family and best friend though :)
Then we went to see the Lincoln Memorial, needles to say I hate stairs at the moment.... so many and me slipping on them is just a curse waiting to happen. Haha. He's huge! Lincoln is big! and then we tried finding the bookstore after going down steps to find an elevator taking us back up to the main part of the memorial and to the bookstore. Again, I went down the elevator ( I really don't like them, they make me dizzy. but I was tired of the steps!)
We left and visited the Vietnam and Korean war monuments. then the walls of remembrance (not the real name.) Some dumb dude was being very disrespectful though. We went on the the WWII memorial, not the holocaust museum. Also the Boyscout Memorial, and the White House. Returned the bikes and headed home. We went to the little store here at the hotel and got dinner lol. **
Anyway, long day and eventful one at that. Mom says I'm more reasonable with food in my stomach ;)
haha throwing that out there ;)
Came home, showered wrote a lot. ate food :) It was a great day :) lots of pictures too :) soo happy I had a camera :D
Emily <3 br="" nbsp="">
** twitter -- emilina_lilly :) look for most recent post and find what my dinner was :P lol it's sad ;)
Washington DC trip 6-16-13
Multiple entries, because I needed a hobby while we were flying to DC
So much to tell you! Back in February I submitted my congressional report and paper work. Then was accepted into the Gold Congressional Program ceremony :)
Annoying thing is it's over my birthday, which my mom is excited for (I am to a point), but I was hoping to spend my birthday at home, with my best friend.
Today is Sunday (the day of travel... I thought it was the day of rest ;) ) and I am on an airplane. I can't believe it! I'll have you know; you don't take an adolescent sleep deprived almost 18 year old anxious girl, on an airplane! Unless you want to see her flip out and cry. Not saying I cried , but I was about to.:3
Buddy Bosko ;) aka the green fluffy antler jingle bell hedge hog was very helpful :) [[A gift from said best friend]] I am on my way to phoenix right now. The airport was so annoying. You know the person scanner everyone didn't like because it took a 3D image and displayed it, like in replacement of an x-ray and pat-down? Well I had to go through that universal machine. I almost cried then too. Why am I crying so much? I have no clue! XD Mom's bad had to be searched at Boise. Because, of her carrying the shampoo and conditioner. Why didn't they search my bad though? I had all my meds and containers and my nebulizer. So why didn't they stop me? Only God knows ;)
Right now, I'm flying and alive and missing my best friend.
Since today is Father's Day, I left my dad a wonderful card, note, balloon, and candy bar :^_^ I love him dearly !! He drove me and mom to the airport and helped us go on this trip. The flight took off at 0700 and we were at he airport by 0600. I barely got any sleep though. :3 I fell asleep around 0230 so it's going to be fun to try and stay awake for another flight. I feel light headed and dizzy and sick... Although my ears aren't too bad. Took my Allegra D so my raynauds might flare up soon. Joyful thought right? :D
I think I might nap now. ;)
Still on the airplane, anyway you know how you promise yourself you'd never do something? Swear it on your life? haha well I just broke that personal promise. I fell asleep on a place. Wasn't to bad. I kept my feet on the wall of the plane, and the vibration reminded me of the car ride to Reno, NV in our minivan. It was bumpy but comforting So as I fell asleep I reminded myself that I was in the car to Reno. Which helped :) so did my mom. She comforted me :) I would only wake up if the speaker/captain/pilot dude started talking, or if the seat belt bell sounded. And if we had any turbulence mom would hug me and kiss me. :)
So after we landed we caught a shuttle to the hotel got settled in and went out to dinner in Old Town Alexandria. Food was awesome :) Had this Salmon potato green bean dinner :) yum! I didn't have breakfast and had a very small lunch. A lot of the people here aren't friendly and are surprised by mom's and my courtesy. Expect Bobby :) he's the bus driver and is just to awesome for words. :)
Dinner cost 50$ tonight... :3 lot of money XD But after walking around, taking pictures I sat down waiting for the shuttle to take me and mom and other fellow hotel persons back, my brain meandered away.
Thoughts, from seeing old structures, flooded my mind.
What if some little girl was playing hoop down this cobbled street?
Imagine all the businesses holding sophisticated people in dresses out of style.
It was amazing, then the street lights went on. Imagine someone lighting those in the evening! and strolling along the cobblestone with a lover or a friend in a different era :)
To COOL!
Wish my best friend was here though. They would enjoy this a lot :) so far a really good day :)
Emily <3 p="">
So much to tell you! Back in February I submitted my congressional report and paper work. Then was accepted into the Gold Congressional Program ceremony :)
Annoying thing is it's over my birthday, which my mom is excited for (I am to a point), but I was hoping to spend my birthday at home, with my best friend.
Today is Sunday (the day of travel... I thought it was the day of rest ;) ) and I am on an airplane. I can't believe it! I'll have you know; you don't take an adolescent sleep deprived almost 18 year old anxious girl, on an airplane! Unless you want to see her flip out and cry. Not saying I cried , but I was about to.:3
Buddy Bosko ;) aka the green fluffy antler jingle bell hedge hog was very helpful :) [[A gift from said best friend]] I am on my way to phoenix right now. The airport was so annoying. You know the person scanner everyone didn't like because it took a 3D image and displayed it, like in replacement of an x-ray and pat-down? Well I had to go through that universal machine. I almost cried then too. Why am I crying so much? I have no clue! XD Mom's bad had to be searched at Boise. Because, of her carrying the shampoo and conditioner. Why didn't they search my bad though? I had all my meds and containers and my nebulizer. So why didn't they stop me? Only God knows ;)
Right now, I'm flying and alive and missing my best friend.
Since today is Father's Day, I left my dad a wonderful card, note, balloon, and candy bar :^_^ I love him dearly !! He drove me and mom to the airport and helped us go on this trip. The flight took off at 0700 and we were at he airport by 0600. I barely got any sleep though. :3 I fell asleep around 0230 so it's going to be fun to try and stay awake for another flight. I feel light headed and dizzy and sick... Although my ears aren't too bad. Took my Allegra D so my raynauds might flare up soon. Joyful thought right? :D
I think I might nap now. ;)
Still on the airplane, anyway you know how you promise yourself you'd never do something? Swear it on your life? haha well I just broke that personal promise. I fell asleep on a place. Wasn't to bad. I kept my feet on the wall of the plane, and the vibration reminded me of the car ride to Reno, NV in our minivan. It was bumpy but comforting So as I fell asleep I reminded myself that I was in the car to Reno. Which helped :) so did my mom. She comforted me :) I would only wake up if the speaker/captain/pilot dude started talking, or if the seat belt bell sounded. And if we had any turbulence mom would hug me and kiss me. :)
So after we landed we caught a shuttle to the hotel got settled in and went out to dinner in Old Town Alexandria. Food was awesome :) Had this Salmon potato green bean dinner :) yum! I didn't have breakfast and had a very small lunch. A lot of the people here aren't friendly and are surprised by mom's and my courtesy. Expect Bobby :) he's the bus driver and is just to awesome for words. :)
Dinner cost 50$ tonight... :3 lot of money XD But after walking around, taking pictures I sat down waiting for the shuttle to take me and mom and other fellow hotel persons back, my brain meandered away.
Thoughts, from seeing old structures, flooded my mind.
What if some little girl was playing hoop down this cobbled street?
Imagine all the businesses holding sophisticated people in dresses out of style.
It was amazing, then the street lights went on. Imagine someone lighting those in the evening! and strolling along the cobblestone with a lover or a friend in a different era :)
To COOL!
Wish my best friend was here though. They would enjoy this a lot :) so far a really good day :)
Emily <3 p="">
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
graduated and dentist? ? o.O
So, I'm graduated from highschool :)
yeah XD
My ceremony was crazy, I was very nervous through the whole thing; shaking and jittering like a time bomb. The whole time I'm shaking and feeling like I'm about to pass out.
haha! I made it though! :D
I also, am going to Washington D.C here soon, to receive my congressional award. :)
I have achieved the Gold Congressional Award, which is the highest award a civilian can get through congress. :)
I'm excited that I get to go and have an adventure this summer, I'm excited I'm going with my mom. :) I'm actually glad my rest of my family can not make it, I understand and agree with my mom that my siblings would enjoy and benefit from the trip, but it would be to much. I would be hard to do all the things on my schedule and try to change it for them or work around it.
I am not able to do that well, and trying to orchestrate two different activities going on at once with a family of 6 is a little on the overload side.
I'm happy my mom will be there with me and that she can help me through going on stage in front of people again. I'm scared about the ceremony for my medal, I'm walking again in front of people and yeah, not my sort of thing.
My reception on the 26th, went really well. :) There was a lot of socializing, cotillion dancing, ultimate Frisbee, and volley ball :) some of my best friends clicked and became awesome social bubble ^.^
Anyway enough about that, I'm upset and scared and ended up crying on the way home from the dentist yesterday.
Normally going to the dentist is very hard for me, and I try to keep it to myself because I should be old enough to face the dentist. I go anyway, and my mom makes me. Normally I'm not a very happy person and if you even look at me wrong I blow up. I get nervous, sweaty palms, my heart thumping everywhere, and my brain going wacko thinking "I'm going to die". When I go for my normal check up, I normally come out no cavities no needing to go back and I'm stress and worry free until the next check up in 6 months.
I get to go back this time, no not because I have cavities; but I have enamel issues and there are two teeth that have been on watch for a while, and one is getting really bad and has been fixed several times and is still decaying, so the dentist is trying to fix that one again. :( I now get to back to the dentist on Wednesday [[the 12th]] and get my tooth fixed.
I know it's routine and I should be used to it, but I can't help and feel freaked out. I can't help but feel anxious about the whole thing. The big thing is, [[yes I know, almost 18 and still need my mom]] my mom is not going with. Me, my older sister and first younger brother are going and as much as my older sister tries to help me get over myself and comfort me [[which sometimes, it's best to leave me alone and not touch me]] I like my mom there. I don't know why, I guess she's a security blanket or something. I just don't want to go back, :/ I have had a history of issues with my teeth and I'm scared. I know that's normal human feelings, but sometimes I wish I didn't feel this. I just dread having to go back and am scared.
So hence why I was crying on the way home from the dentist. [[And don't tell me to grow up and get a life. This is something I find difficult in my life, and don't need people telling me to suck it up.]]
yeah XD
My ceremony was crazy, I was very nervous through the whole thing; shaking and jittering like a time bomb. The whole time I'm shaking and feeling like I'm about to pass out.
haha! I made it though! :D
I also, am going to Washington D.C here soon, to receive my congressional award. :)
I have achieved the Gold Congressional Award, which is the highest award a civilian can get through congress. :)
I'm excited that I get to go and have an adventure this summer, I'm excited I'm going with my mom. :) I'm actually glad my rest of my family can not make it, I understand and agree with my mom that my siblings would enjoy and benefit from the trip, but it would be to much. I would be hard to do all the things on my schedule and try to change it for them or work around it.
I am not able to do that well, and trying to orchestrate two different activities going on at once with a family of 6 is a little on the overload side.
I'm happy my mom will be there with me and that she can help me through going on stage in front of people again. I'm scared about the ceremony for my medal, I'm walking again in front of people and yeah, not my sort of thing.
My reception on the 26th, went really well. :) There was a lot of socializing, cotillion dancing, ultimate Frisbee, and volley ball :) some of my best friends clicked and became awesome social bubble ^.^
Anyway enough about that, I'm upset and scared and ended up crying on the way home from the dentist yesterday.
Normally going to the dentist is very hard for me, and I try to keep it to myself because I should be old enough to face the dentist. I go anyway, and my mom makes me. Normally I'm not a very happy person and if you even look at me wrong I blow up. I get nervous, sweaty palms, my heart thumping everywhere, and my brain going wacko thinking "I'm going to die". When I go for my normal check up, I normally come out no cavities no needing to go back and I'm stress and worry free until the next check up in 6 months.
I get to go back this time, no not because I have cavities; but I have enamel issues and there are two teeth that have been on watch for a while, and one is getting really bad and has been fixed several times and is still decaying, so the dentist is trying to fix that one again. :( I now get to back to the dentist on Wednesday [[the 12th]] and get my tooth fixed.
I know it's routine and I should be used to it, but I can't help and feel freaked out. I can't help but feel anxious about the whole thing. The big thing is, [[yes I know, almost 18 and still need my mom]] my mom is not going with. Me, my older sister and first younger brother are going and as much as my older sister tries to help me get over myself and comfort me [[which sometimes, it's best to leave me alone and not touch me]] I like my mom there. I don't know why, I guess she's a security blanket or something. I just don't want to go back, :/ I have had a history of issues with my teeth and I'm scared. I know that's normal human feelings, but sometimes I wish I didn't feel this. I just dread having to go back and am scared.
So hence why I was crying on the way home from the dentist. [[And don't tell me to grow up and get a life. This is something I find difficult in my life, and don't need people telling me to suck it up.]]
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Graduation with Parents :D
So I am graduating in less than 2 weeks. I'm nervouse beyond belief.
I have been trying to keep my feet on the ground and my heads out of the clouds. I still have no desire to graduate, and still do not know why.
I am going to be fine, although sad and nervouse are two very big things pounding my head and heart right now.
So since I'm trying not to dwell on these things, I am focusing on figuring out gifts and other things for my friends graduating.
I'm also doing something special for my parents, they are getting me something? Well, I'm giving them something as well. (I can't say because mom watches my blog :3 ) so I'll try to update a new blog explaining what I did :)
I am having a graduation reception, which is turning out bigger than I thought. :S
I am very tired and nervous about tripping down the isle as I walk in this giant eat-me-up gown :S
I look like a frog in my hat, inside a penguin costume, swallowed by a whale, with white foam coming out of my neck. MY gown is TOO big!!! XD its so odd!
Anyway I just got done crying over my gift to my parents and really cant wait to give it to them.
But I'm affraid they will cry XD So horribly bad and then I'll cry and then it's this giant circle of mushy-gushy hugs (which I totaly dont mind!) and kisses and speaking while blubbering like a goose without voical chords :)
Anyway I'm going to call it a night. Peaces :)
I have been trying to keep my feet on the ground and my heads out of the clouds. I still have no desire to graduate, and still do not know why.
I am going to be fine, although sad and nervouse are two very big things pounding my head and heart right now.
So since I'm trying not to dwell on these things, I am focusing on figuring out gifts and other things for my friends graduating.
I'm also doing something special for my parents, they are getting me something? Well, I'm giving them something as well. (I can't say because mom watches my blog :3 ) so I'll try to update a new blog explaining what I did :)
I am having a graduation reception, which is turning out bigger than I thought. :S
I am very tired and nervous about tripping down the isle as I walk in this giant eat-me-up gown :S
I look like a frog in my hat, inside a penguin costume, swallowed by a whale, with white foam coming out of my neck. MY gown is TOO big!!! XD its so odd!
Anyway I just got done crying over my gift to my parents and really cant wait to give it to them.
But I'm affraid they will cry XD So horribly bad and then I'll cry and then it's this giant circle of mushy-gushy hugs (which I totaly dont mind!) and kisses and speaking while blubbering like a goose without voical chords :)
Anyway I'm going to call it a night. Peaces :)
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Best Friends
Best friends are there in a time of need.
They help and they support you.
They pray with and for you.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends laugh at your horrid jokes.
They can be calm and roudy.
They mess up your hair as you do the same back.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends smile when they're happy,
but are instantly unhappy when you are sad.
They want to help and cheer you up.
This is my best friend.
I have several best friends, and I miss two particularly more than anything else.
I miss having my best friend to text and yeah, it's been a week..... yes I know -_- a week. But it feels like a life time away from him. He's amazing and I enjoy hanging out with him. I am scared how me going to college and him finishing his Jr. year will change how we hang out.
I'm going on a big trip this summer, and he has a job... (I need one btw. .. . . . my other job I was laid-off) I'm scared of what will happen with us hanging out. I like it, and it's nice to fellowship and talk about life problems and pray. But, the fact remains; I miss him.
I also miss my best friend Jesus.... I've been advoiding him, just don't know what to do. Feel lost and found at the same time. I'm not sure what I want to do or what he wants me to do. I'm scared beyond reason. :/ It's stupid I know better, I really do.
I miss my Best Friend.
They help and they support you.
They pray with and for you.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends laugh at your horrid jokes.
They can be calm and roudy.
They mess up your hair as you do the same back.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends smile when they're happy,
but are instantly unhappy when you are sad.
They want to help and cheer you up.
This is my best friend.
I have several best friends, and I miss two particularly more than anything else.
I miss having my best friend to text and yeah, it's been a week..... yes I know -_- a week. But it feels like a life time away from him. He's amazing and I enjoy hanging out with him. I am scared how me going to college and him finishing his Jr. year will change how we hang out.
I'm going on a big trip this summer, and he has a job... (I need one btw. .. . . . my other job I was laid-off) I'm scared of what will happen with us hanging out. I like it, and it's nice to fellowship and talk about life problems and pray. But, the fact remains; I miss him.
I also miss my best friend Jesus.... I've been advoiding him, just don't know what to do. Feel lost and found at the same time. I'm not sure what I want to do or what he wants me to do. I'm scared beyond reason. :/ It's stupid I know better, I really do.
I miss my Best Friend.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Willow's Breeze
Come sit with me beneath the willow,
there is plenty room all around.
Come sit with me beneath the willow,
upon the solid ground
When you sit with me beneath the willow,
you will hear the children play.
Underneath the willow, till forever and a day.
The breeze is softer than the sun,
as quiet as your smile.
The breeze is softer than the rain,
upon your face as it falls.
Can you hear the willow breath in a song?
Can you hear the song forever in your heart?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Lay underneath the willow with me,
release your burdens free.
As you lay beside me, dream a dream.
Only one that you can see.
Look up into the sky, before you now.
See the clouds pass us by,
as the world goes 'round.
Hold on tight to your dreams,
as you lay beside me.
Can you hear the willow's soul?
Can you see the willow's grin?
Can you hold the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's breeze?
there is plenty room all around.
Come sit with me beneath the willow,
upon the solid ground
When you sit with me beneath the willow,
you will hear the children play.
Underneath the willow, till forever and a day.
The breeze is softer than the sun,
as quiet as your smile.
The breeze is softer than the rain,
upon your face as it falls.
Can you hear the willow breath in a song?
Can you hear the song forever in your heart?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Lay underneath the willow with me,
release your burdens free.
As you lay beside me, dream a dream.
Only one that you can see.
Look up into the sky, before you now.
See the clouds pass us by,
as the world goes 'round.
Hold on tight to your dreams,
as you lay beside me.
Can you hear the willow's soul?
Can you see the willow's grin?
Can you hold the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's breeze?
Behind My Back with ED?
What bothers me the most sometimes is people going behind my back.
I've been sick this past week with a stomach bug. Odd thing is, I've had no fever or anything to cause my stomach to revolt in such a way that I can barely keep down liquids.
Today, I am doing better. I went to the doctor Friday and was given a prescription.
But on this incident, one of my mother's friends asked if my mom had thought about me having anorexia or bulimia.
Dare I say, I find this an insult!
Granted in the past I've been afraid of food. Afraid I'll get sick off of something I eat again, or getting sick off of something new. I tried pawning off my eating habits as some sort of "E.D" (eating disorder) because, I thought that the best to label it. When in reality I'm just afraid of getting sick again. I don't need all the medical complications that come with being sick so often. I don't want that, so I try to watch what I eat and avoid things that make me sick.
I don't believe I have the mind tendency towards or pro-anorexia or pro-bulimia.
It's such a heavy secret to keep and hurt yourself like that. The complications of both diseases are to extreme to be played with. Losing muscle mass, torn stomach muscles, torn stomach, almost dead, starving your brain, starving your heart of nutrients of vitality!
I've thought before I was an anorexic, and a bulimic. I don't want to starve myself to be pretty. I don't want to throw up because I ate too much. That's too much control issues that I don't need to worry about. Why anyone would want to do this to themselves is beyond me. It is not the case for me; I am just afraid to get sick. I think I make myself sick sometimes with stress, but not purpose to have the "best" figure!
I can understand my mother's friend's concern, but it demolishes my self-esteem to bits knowing that they think this about me. Granted I should take everything said by my mom's friend as a grain of salt. I won't let it bother me anymore.
I find the trust of thoughts, of my mom's friend a frail one.
I don't know why I get so sick sometimes off of food I've eaten in the past. Or why some food doesn't agree with me. I think I have a sensitive stomach that once I do something to irritate it, I've got to be careful the next two days to settle it down. I know what I can, and cannot handle with my eating habits. So, I try my best. That's all anyone could ask me to do :)
Latest updates. I've been keeping up with school. I'm doing fairly well. I have four subjects and am almost done with one of them to make three. How many seniors have three subjects for the second semester in high-school?. So with school and graduation coming closer to the end I'm getting scared and nervous, I really don't want to graduate. I'm terrified of why I have to do this. Because, I'm growing up? No, because I don't want the spot light on me. I'm a background person, I really just want to finish high school be done and ignore graduating. But I know that's not the case and maybe in the future I'll be happy I did.
I'm going to winter camp with my youth group at church. I'm nervous about that.
I'm nervous because I will be going to a different youth camp than I have in the past and not knowing anyone.... Well it will be a new experience. I'm positive I'll like it. Just worried about the first day. (thank God, they camp is able to make things with out wheat --aka gluten-- I love them! still bringing snack though :) )
Anyway... I guess that's it for now. :) I'm content and happy to be. <3 font="" peaces="">
I've been sick this past week with a stomach bug. Odd thing is, I've had no fever or anything to cause my stomach to revolt in such a way that I can barely keep down liquids.
Today, I am doing better. I went to the doctor Friday and was given a prescription.
But on this incident, one of my mother's friends asked if my mom had thought about me having anorexia or bulimia.
Dare I say, I find this an insult!
Granted in the past I've been afraid of food. Afraid I'll get sick off of something I eat again, or getting sick off of something new. I tried pawning off my eating habits as some sort of "E.D" (eating disorder) because, I thought that the best to label it. When in reality I'm just afraid of getting sick again. I don't need all the medical complications that come with being sick so often. I don't want that, so I try to watch what I eat and avoid things that make me sick.
I don't believe I have the mind tendency towards or pro-anorexia or pro-bulimia.
It's such a heavy secret to keep and hurt yourself like that. The complications of both diseases are to extreme to be played with. Losing muscle mass, torn stomach muscles, torn stomach, almost dead, starving your brain, starving your heart of nutrients of vitality!
I've thought before I was an anorexic, and a bulimic. I don't want to starve myself to be pretty. I don't want to throw up because I ate too much. That's too much control issues that I don't need to worry about. Why anyone would want to do this to themselves is beyond me. It is not the case for me; I am just afraid to get sick. I think I make myself sick sometimes with stress, but not purpose to have the "best" figure!
I can understand my mother's friend's concern, but it demolishes my self-esteem to bits knowing that they think this about me. Granted I should take everything said by my mom's friend as a grain of salt. I won't let it bother me anymore.
I find the trust of thoughts, of my mom's friend a frail one.
I don't know why I get so sick sometimes off of food I've eaten in the past. Or why some food doesn't agree with me. I think I have a sensitive stomach that once I do something to irritate it, I've got to be careful the next two days to settle it down. I know what I can, and cannot handle with my eating habits. So, I try my best. That's all anyone could ask me to do :)
Latest updates. I've been keeping up with school. I'm doing fairly well. I have four subjects and am almost done with one of them to make three. How many seniors have three subjects for the second semester in high-school?. So with school and graduation coming closer to the end I'm getting scared and nervous, I really don't want to graduate. I'm terrified of why I have to do this. Because, I'm growing up? No, because I don't want the spot light on me. I'm a background person, I really just want to finish high school be done and ignore graduating. But I know that's not the case and maybe in the future I'll be happy I did.
I'm going to winter camp with my youth group at church. I'm nervous about that.
I'm nervous because I will be going to a different youth camp than I have in the past and not knowing anyone.... Well it will be a new experience. I'm positive I'll like it. Just worried about the first day. (thank God, they camp is able to make things with out wheat --aka gluten-- I love them! still bringing snack though :) )
Anyway... I guess that's it for now. :) I'm content and happy to be. <3 font="" peaces="">
Sunday, January 27, 2013
No boyfriend? *say what?*
I don't need a boyfriend.
Just because I'm a senior in high school does not mean, I need a boy friend. Would I like one? I don't know the answer to that yet, I know I would probably enjoy the attention and being in "love" but I'm not sure I want that yet.
I do know, that I need a boyfriend when I am not emotionally or physically mature in the matter of having a boyfriend. Yes, I've hit the point in a girls life when you have that special time of the month. But that does not mean I am physically mature. I'm not ready to hand over my body to the changes that child bearing brings. It's my body at the moment and I want to keep it that way. God, will tell me when I'm ready and I will know. I also don't need to be "laid". I don't need a child in my current position in life. I don't need to be pregnant. I don't need to be a mom now when I'm just learning to live. I have a job, my goals in life should come first along side my family and God. (not in that order, but hopefully you get the idea)
I have a friend, he is an incredible friend. He has helped me a lot since I've met him and hung out with him. Just because we're friends though, does not mean anything has to happen.
My friend and I have talked numerous times about our future and about relationships and what would happen between us. My friend and I have a mutual agreement that we both aren't physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally ready for a relationship. We want to be good friends, we want to keep our friendship open and not awkward. We both have set up something called "boundary lines" for each other. If I feel he's pushing into a boundary line or going to far, I promised to tell him. He has done the same for me. Example- My friend likes to play vampire bunny, or fishy (games) and then touch my hand or neck. I don't have an issue with that. (he hasn't tried anything else either) but if he were to try and touch say.... my tummy. I would tell him off. He has done the same for me, he has had to grab my hands at one point because I was going to touch his neck, he felt like it wasn't a good idea, and said, "*insert name* I don't think that's a good idea, and I feel my boundary line is being crossed." I respect him a lot. My friend is very respectful and I do trust him a lot. I love hanging out with him, because he is a good friend that I can relate to. I'm blessed to have a "guy" friend that is so respectful and careful on what he does and says because he knows I am a woman, and he knows from his parents teaching him, that I am to be respective. I applaud him on this, because most people don't understand that women are to be respected mentally and emotionally, not just physically. My friend and I have a mutual understanding and respectful friendship. I like that.
Now, the teasing that goes on.... I find it very annoying and I've asked people to stop. Do they listen? No. Do they respect my wishes on them stopping the teasing? No.
My friend and I are not "Not-a-boyfriend/girlfriend" no, we are simply friends!
I don't have a boyfriend and I don't need one right now. It's not funny when people tease. Yes, they might get a response out of me. Yes, I will blush and be embarrassed that my family and friends actually think that. Today, I was asked by a close friend how my "boyfriend" was. I became nervous and gave them a hard look. That's what made me write this post as I should be doing home-work. I wanted to clarify to some people, that some kids don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's okay to be friends and wait on the mushy gushy stuff till marriage. I mean come on swapping spit? touching each other with your tongues? 0.o .... I'm not repulsed by this entirely. It's a way to show affection and love and intimacy, I'm not ready for that yet. Not yet, I just want to be friends. Get to know you, before anything happens. The world says "without your opposite half you're incomplete" Oh yeah? really? then I'm broken? NO! I just am waiting for my life to begin and enjoy my moments as teen. Also, I'm scared as shit! to grow up and not be in high school XD my "guy" friend is a Jr. and I'm a Sr. He's older than me? 0.o yeah what I thought. :3 anyway, I'm just being me for now. :)
Just because I'm a senior in high school does not mean, I need a boy friend. Would I like one? I don't know the answer to that yet, I know I would probably enjoy the attention and being in "love" but I'm not sure I want that yet.
I do know, that I need a boyfriend when I am not emotionally or physically mature in the matter of having a boyfriend. Yes, I've hit the point in a girls life when you have that special time of the month. But that does not mean I am physically mature. I'm not ready to hand over my body to the changes that child bearing brings. It's my body at the moment and I want to keep it that way. God, will tell me when I'm ready and I will know. I also don't need to be "laid". I don't need a child in my current position in life. I don't need to be pregnant. I don't need to be a mom now when I'm just learning to live. I have a job, my goals in life should come first along side my family and God. (not in that order, but hopefully you get the idea)
I have a friend, he is an incredible friend. He has helped me a lot since I've met him and hung out with him. Just because we're friends though, does not mean anything has to happen.
My friend and I have talked numerous times about our future and about relationships and what would happen between us. My friend and I have a mutual agreement that we both aren't physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally ready for a relationship. We want to be good friends, we want to keep our friendship open and not awkward. We both have set up something called "boundary lines" for each other. If I feel he's pushing into a boundary line or going to far, I promised to tell him. He has done the same for me. Example- My friend likes to play vampire bunny, or fishy (games) and then touch my hand or neck. I don't have an issue with that. (he hasn't tried anything else either) but if he were to try and touch say.... my tummy. I would tell him off. He has done the same for me, he has had to grab my hands at one point because I was going to touch his neck, he felt like it wasn't a good idea, and said, "*insert name* I don't think that's a good idea, and I feel my boundary line is being crossed." I respect him a lot. My friend is very respectful and I do trust him a lot. I love hanging out with him, because he is a good friend that I can relate to. I'm blessed to have a "guy" friend that is so respectful and careful on what he does and says because he knows I am a woman, and he knows from his parents teaching him, that I am to be respective. I applaud him on this, because most people don't understand that women are to be respected mentally and emotionally, not just physically. My friend and I have a mutual understanding and respectful friendship. I like that.
Now, the teasing that goes on.... I find it very annoying and I've asked people to stop. Do they listen? No. Do they respect my wishes on them stopping the teasing? No.
My friend and I are not "Not-a-boyfriend/girlfriend" no, we are simply friends!
I don't have a boyfriend and I don't need one right now. It's not funny when people tease. Yes, they might get a response out of me. Yes, I will blush and be embarrassed that my family and friends actually think that. Today, I was asked by a close friend how my "boyfriend" was. I became nervous and gave them a hard look. That's what made me write this post as I should be doing home-work. I wanted to clarify to some people, that some kids don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's okay to be friends and wait on the mushy gushy stuff till marriage. I mean come on swapping spit? touching each other with your tongues? 0.o .... I'm not repulsed by this entirely. It's a way to show affection and love and intimacy, I'm not ready for that yet. Not yet, I just want to be friends. Get to know you, before anything happens. The world says "without your opposite half you're incomplete" Oh yeah? really? then I'm broken? NO! I just am waiting for my life to begin and enjoy my moments as teen. Also, I'm scared as shit! to grow up and not be in high school XD my "guy" friend is a Jr. and I'm a Sr. He's older than me? 0.o yeah what I thought. :3 anyway, I'm just being me for now. :)
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