My family matters the most to me, in difficult times and in normal times.
right now my family is apart, and even though I don't show it a lot: I'm torn inside. There is a void and a hard obnoxious cry in my mind. I shut it out, and I feel like I make life more difficult for me to feel my feelings because I'm afraid of crying and being exposed. All I can feel now is emptiness and that's the worst feeling to feel near Christmas when it's about God and family. I can't fathom my sister being gone this Christmas, and not even allowed to visit. Can't come by, I have to go to her and I have to meet her when and where she can meet.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. I am so angry sometimes it really gets me worked up and I can't calm down for a long while. It overflows into my love life and into my family life.
I'm still at home and I am still with family, I am still progressing into my career that I want. I'm striving forward, and it feels so weird not having my sister there besides me.
She's gone away. She's my best friend and I don't want to keep having to do this!
I know it's sooooooo selfish >.> *aka people who think this need to step into my shoes*
I want my best friends for Christmas. My mom, my boyfriend, and my beloved missed sister.
I'm feeling empty and sad, and I need to buck up. But at the same point I wont want anyone to know. That's why I write. That's how I breathe sometimes. Just want things to be normal. My normal is missing and I'm frantically freaking out trying to find a balance in the storm. It doesn't seem that I will ever find it.
