what's been bothering me
So lately I've had major life changes. I have a new job as a CNA (certified nursing assistant)
I have a new car, that I am currently working towards to pay off.
I have school - prerequisites for RN applications to many schools.
and I have a boyfriend. One currently not the one past talked about.
His name is Dakotah :) and he a wonderful guy, part of the reason I feel odd in our relationship. I don't feel I deserve him and it kills me to think; God gave me him and this blessing and I'm shoving it away and that's not what I want. SO in conclusion to that, I am trying my hardest as of now to not lose him. In the midst of all these wonderful gifts I feel as if I am being stripped of my identity in Christ and it hurts because I've let go and that's not what I wanted. I just prayed this morning as everyone was pissed and overwhelmed for stressful reasons. This morning I asked God to help me identify what was wrong to help take away my bad attitude and not direct it at anyone or specific person.
This afternoon on the drive home from school, God blessed me by telling it was my identity in him that I was loosing and causing these problems. I feel lost in a bountiful blessing.
It's a very weird feeling having things you want and have been patient for and to have it download into your brain and spirit before you can think it through.
It's too much too fast.
But I will be able to get through this with God's help and direction. He's got this.
That's what I know. My identity in Christ -
I am a child of the one true King!
I am his daughter blessed with grace and mercy.
I am his child and future to his kingdom.
He is my father and I am his adopted daughter.
I am here on his behalf and to spread his love and grace and hope to many.
That is who I am.
Now, I blew up at my family all day from being stressed over a test and losing myself. I think it may be best to not talk to them the rest of the night in fear of hurting their feelings anymore.
I'm not high and mighty, even if that's the persona I give off. I'm not trying to show that. I want them to know I'm sorry but how do I do that? on the contrary I am the lowly of low and I feel really bad today.
So maybe it might be best to keep to myself and ignore them and hurt them more just so I don't blow up at them.
This is also the reaction I get from not being home enough and it destroys me.
I'm not home about 4-5 days a week and the family seems to have issues working together when someone is gone (someone is me, mom, and dad)
So *sigh* this another day there are more days. and I have God on my side.
not all is as it seems.
So God, I pray please keep me from hurting my family with my attitude and to help me amend what damage has been done with my word.
Please help me with my identity in you Father God. That I would constantly seek you and your glory, that I might be filled with your Holy Spirit and give freely to those who are in need of your grace.
God I ask you to take the problems I'm facing and turn it into something you can use in my life testimony.
Please God I ask you to help me and everyone around me.
I ask also that my boyfriend wouldn't get the brunt of this, as he is being there for me. Father I don't deserve such a respected man and heart in my life. I ask you to help this relationship stay alive through you and in your eyes an amazing relationship.
I thank you for waking me up today and giving me life.
For giving me things to complain about. For saving me and giving me a second chance.
Father you are the alpha and omega. You are magnificent.
I pray and ask these things and answers to my questions in your name and your son, Jesus Christ. Amen
