family

My family matters the most to me, in difficult times and in normal times.
right now my family is apart, and even though I don't show it a lot: I'm torn inside. There is a void and a hard obnoxious cry in my mind. I shut it out, and I feel like I make life more difficult for me to feel my feelings because I'm afraid of crying and being exposed. All I can feel now is emptiness and that's the worst feeling to feel near Christmas when it's about God and family. I can't fathom my sister being gone this Christmas, and not even allowed to visit. Can't come by, I have to go to her and I have to meet her when and where she can meet.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. I am so angry sometimes it really gets me worked up and I can't calm down for a long while. It overflows into my love life and into my family life.
I'm still at home and I am still with family, I am still progressing into my career that I want. I'm striving forward, and it feels so weird not having my sister there besides me.
She's gone away. She's my best friend and I don't want to keep having to do this!
I know it's sooooooo selfish >.> *aka people who think this need to step into my shoes*
I want my best friends for Christmas. My mom, my boyfriend, and my beloved missed sister.
I'm feeling empty and sad, and I need to buck up. But at the same point I wont want anyone to know. That's why I write. That's how I breathe sometimes. Just want things to be normal. My normal is missing and I'm frantically freaking out trying to find a balance in the storm. It doesn't seem that I will ever find it.

when to not speak

Don't speak if what you are going to say will hurt someone.
Don't speak if you know it's going to rock the boat.

my boyfriend slipped up on an addiction and he turned to my sister, whom suffers from the same addiction. I knew something was up and my sister called me recently to tell me, hey this is whats going on and oh and your boyfriend keeps texting me and told me he slipped up.

I'm devastated first of all, that he slipped up again and it hurts. But I will forgive him like many times before. (no I'm not letting him trample over me.)
second that he couldn't turn to me, but I understand and fully accept why and how come.

I do love him, but you have to chose when not to speak about things. I will not mention this, and this will be a heavy burden to bare. I will be hurt for a little, and trying to keep myself up beat and able to focus on the positive.

positive he reached out and asked my sister for prayer which is amazing. But at the same time my sister and him have a past and it makes me wonder if this past will spring forth.
my sister made my boyfriend fall and he made her fall too. what they did was wrong but its the past. It's there, it's gone, it's done. I'm done with it.

I'm going to go pray and cry and read my bible now.

to young?

to young to soon? yes to young to soon to marry. All I've had on my mind lately is how I'm not a good enough person and yet alone a good enough daughter or girlfriend to even be living.
I'm jealous of a lot because I wish it was me.
Getting caught up in the future and what I don't have I need to realize what I do have and what I need and want.

What I need?
Basic needs, emotional needs, God, and my family around me.

what I have?
Work, school, a future, family, and a boy friend I don't deserve, a car, and a heart.

What I want will come, I know that. But it will come in the time God provides. 

It will come when I'm ready and when life continues to go on.

Thinking of all this, I know I'm human and I see oh my word that person has what I want and I am so lucky that God and the holy spirit calmed my envious side down to a calm and undetectable level.
I love that.
I have the best life out of my family, or so I would to think.
I'm blessed with the fortunes and gifts I have now. For that I am grateful.
I have a future ahead of me, and I'm looking forward to it. To the achievements and to the hope that God brings the next morning.
I'm at peace now. But that surge of envy scared me and then to have a mental attitude of positive and selflessness. That is a God send. That is amazing and I'm blessed. I hope one day that I can instill this in my children in the future. 

Thank you God for opening the eyes of my heart. For letting me see you and everything you do in my life and I pray that I continues to see all the good in the world and the hope you bring.

I'm great where I am at :) 

God,
I feel like crying.
This has been a season of just crying tears or joy tears of desperation tears of self hate and most of all tears that fear to trust.
Please please please help me not be afraid to trust.
My trust is so broken and so frail and so sad and so small. I don't even have enough to make an once.
I'm so broken and you know i have a hard time trusting you and trusting people around me. That I have a hard time understanding my own emotions and every time my trust my tiny piece of trust is misused or broken in my own fault or by someone else. I hurt so bad. You heal and make all things new so I'm asking to give me trust and rise from ashes to become a trusting person.
It's so scary and I'm sure you know, you trusted even when you knew you'd be betrayed.
God, please help me trust.

Release

I want to hide and run away from you.
To stop texting you and to stop talking before I think.
God! Please comfort my breaking heart.
God please please please I beg you.
I'm not going to lose him am I?
we came this far and this long, but does he not want me anymore?
These things haunt my soul and weave themselves in the fabric
of my doubts.
what else can I change about me that would make him see, I want him?

Oh heart shut your eyes and brain your mouth. Be still and know that God
has it all. That God has this.
you have no control hands to claps what you don't understand.

This is a new season, it's not the end. Breathe lungs breathe!
Take in the clean air and love you taste.
It will be okay, as the earth and animals sing, God you've got this.

Unconditional Love

Conditional and Love cannot be used in the same sentence, at the same time or in the same place, thought or idea.
Conditional means with condition: subject to one or more conditions, or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.
Love means: an intense feeling of deep affection. You can't have an affectionate spirit and like something very much and have an exception.
The same way you can't love someone and have exceptions to why you care and like them.
You can like and love a person and they may or may not have some nasty habits that you don't agree with, that doesn't mean you love them less or hate them for it and that also doesn't mean you can put a price on your affections and love towards that person.
It's called unconditional love. Something Jesus Christ gave us as sinners when he died for our sins and for our souls.
Same thing should try to be applied to our relationships with others.
Being in a relationship now-a-days isn't easy. You always expect the other to "die" for you and do anything to bless you, when in reality it's not true. Relationships now-a-days can be one sided, and it's very hard. One side may have the job and money and the resources to pursue what they want, while the opposite team member is short ended in their search for work or money and piggy-back on you, even though that's not the other person's intent.
It is hard to be "unconditional" with love and very hard not to put limits and road blocks in your partners path. I had to learn this. My boyfriend was doing something that I'm not willing to put up with, a very unhealthy addiction and it would cause a giant impact on my health.
Where do I draw the line? I want to give him unconditional love and support, but I can't compromise my health for this "habit".
When is enough, enough? The answer, one I'm still searching for.
Only God can change a person and can change what they do and say and how their love for Christ is reflected through their actions and heart.
How do you kindly say enough, is enough. That you wont take much more of this because it will drive a wedge in between you two later down the road. I can see this happening. It will be a point that I have to fight for my relationship and not the addiction. Does that make sense?
This is something I feel strongly about and I try so hard not to put a road block in front of my boyfriend, but I'm tired of saying sure it's fine.
My life is out of hand, and I have no control, only God does. I want everything to be great and okay, and one day it will be. Right now it's not, so my unconditional love is very hard to come by these days.
It's hard, but not impossible.

The purpose.

I'm a CNA at a nursing home (not anymore, I switched jobs)
There was a male resident that is going down hill and looks like a monster appearance wise. I was working night shift last night and I had to sit with him, to make sure he slept. That he didn't crawl out of bed. He was very sad and last night he looked at me and said "Thank you" I asked, "What for?"
He said, "For giving me company."
That statement just was a dagger in the heart. I was very surprised. Has anyone in this facility ever taken time to treat him as a human?
I sat there for about an hr as he slowly became silent and still and soon dead. I held his hand and was able to be there and show him that hey, you're human and I'm human and I can love.
What destroyed me, I know he was a devout mormon.
He was shaking and convulsing like someone would if they were cold or terrified. I knew he was terrified and that he was seeing things in his mind. I just knew. I think he was having his come to Jesus moment. He died while shaking and holding my hand. It was so hard. Because I was silent, I knew if I brought up "religious" beliefs he wouldn't listen. But I didn't say anything so I have a guilt about my heart that I didn't stand up for the right and silent suffering he was experiencing.
I saw then that he was a human and he was a person who was loved and that I felt sorry for his soul. Appearances didn't matter anymore and he really showed that. It was his soul that God was after and I wish I could have given him a piece of God in his heart.
I also held death's hand. As this man died last night. I held his hand and he died. The end, no more.
He was gone and no one would see his smile with half of his dentures in. This was different. He wasn't dead in physical form, he was dead in spiritual.

Another thing from earlier today, I told my boyfriend that when I get married I want it to be about God. Imagine walking down the isle thinking to yourself. I'm marrying the piece of God in you.
That's what I'm marrying. That's what I want. I want that piece and my piece of God to be together and joined forever in God alone. That we (my future husband and I)  both stand as separate flames but as one together in Christ. Wouldn't that be cool? think of it. it is a life long dream of mine to marry a piece of God I don't have.

God Only Knows

God only knows what I feel and what stresses me out.
God only knows my heart.

This past weekend this escalated between family. To the point you don't want to be near anyone or anything. You feel irritated in your own skin to be in their presence. Anxious around them, yeah. Feel like I don't ever want to talk to them again, of course. That will help nothing. Just hold your tongue and keep your heart free of pain by becoming numb.
In relationship to that feeling of being quiet, I'm quiet in my immediate family. I feel like I'm letting my family down. That I'm hurting my family by not being here. Or that I am too overbearing to my family as my older sibling is. So what do I do?
DO I find a place to be on my own? Do I just stay out of my family's hair. Do they miss me that much?
Am I causing to much trouble or strain?
These things wrack my brain and keep me up at night. Do I honestly help or do I hurt their situation?
God only knows what I want.
So what am I to do or even better what is God going to do with me.

So many questions with no answers.

I think I'm numb to a lot and want to go and clear my head. but no matter how hard any of us try problems will follow us, even into our dreams.

My Family Is Labeled

My family is labeled.
Most people will point fingers and give a social role, that my family does not fit into.
My family is strong and powerful and amazing. We are firm in Christ and that is the label that will stay with my family.
Due to recent events that might change. Words and rumors will be said and spread among our social circle and other people that we do not know.
MY parents have done everything and more for me. WE are a typical home-school family with a lot going on. My parents learned and conquered more than you can imagine and coming out of the life they did and raising me and my siblings. They are amazing and it hurts to think of them being labeled because of recent events.
My parents didn't screw up.
One of my siblings has screwed up and because of that screw up, it effects the family unit. Now, our social image will be corrupted. Should I be so worried about that?

I would think so. This Social label will be stuck with my parents and my siblings and me.
With my sibling doing what they did. I feel like I want to give up and disown them. I want nothing to do with them because I am so hurt. I betray my sibling to keep my social image and disclosure confidential. I don't want people knowing this label. I don't want people viewing me differently because of what has happened. I want them to know I love them and I am God's side and nothing can change that.

But what to do? I'm so distraught and conflicted. Nothing seems right anymore, and this is hard.
I wont disown or shame my sibling, I wont hide them. I will not tell what's gone on. I will make up more excuses to protect them. If it's the least I can do, let me do it and hopefully God willing my heart will be okay with this decision.

I don't want this label, yet it is brought to my family and we will not accept it. We will not let it effect us drastically. We will survive and live on to God's calling and love for our lives as a family and a unit.

I am so scared, but he's here with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSFH6_IiOlw

Gluten intolerance, or Picky eating?

There is a thing known as Gluten Intolerance, but it is a rarity.
With gluten free and intolerance, you tend to make yourself worse in the effort to get better and you think you are doing yourself a favor in the long run, when in fact you are hurting yourself more.

I'm wondering if for me, hiding behind Gluten intolerance was and is a way to be in control of my food, because I love food.
I do enjoy food way too much and freak out when I eat to much. So by restricting what I can and cannot have makes it easier to live and not be in a sense "mentally fat". I am always conscience of my figure and how I am perceived.
I always wonder though, if I started to claim this "intolerance" is a way for me to hold onto what else I have left of unhealthy eating habits. NOT to be associated with bad and over consumption and junk food eating habits. But unhealthy in the sense of controlling what you eat for the wrong reason.

I have had this wall broke down by my boyfriend. I am starting to eat wheat again and am enjoying it. But at the same time as the wall broke down, I have found myself not as mentally capable to stop snacking and over eating. That I tend to eat way!!!! more than I should and have found myself to weigh ten more pounds than my last weight which was around 140.
I'm worried about ending up fat and mentally fat. I'm scared that if i don't start things now to being mentally competent in my food choices, again that I will end up like most of my extended family, obese and having a lot of medical problems.

The thing is. I don't want to be over weight, i don't want to be fat. I am so afraid of being fat and ending up with another Eating Disorder in efforts to control my weight yet again.
My fear? My mom and dad will tell me i can't exercise, they will tell me that they are watching me relentlessly. That them saying that will make me more upset and more conscience of what I look like.
I know that's misconstruing the point, all in all though it is how I think.

I am afraid to work out because mom will comment and tell me, "I'm worried about you" Yes, I appreciate that. Yes, I love her concern. It's not something I exactly want to know when I'm trying to lose weight to make myself healthy because then it feels like my efforts are for a hidden reason, when in fact they are not.

My mom tells me i'm beautiful and amazing. I can see it. :) I do love her, just she doesn't know how much I weigh and how much I don't want to weigh that number.

She posts things on my Face- Book that make me want to go "MOM! that's not it! I'm overweight and I'm afraid I'm out of control and that I'll do nothing but eat myself to death."
Yes, it's a stupid fear to a "normal" person. But if anyone has ever notice and said it, there is no normal.


SO what, I want to workout the days I don't have work. I want to work out and watch what I eat.
It's not obsessive to the point where I'm anorexic or bulimic. This is something I want to do without having my mom go you're fine the way you are.

And maybe i know if i opened up to her about this I might get her support. But at the same time, I might get her criticism of being "skinny" and beautiful.

So back to my topic at hand. Maybe this gluten thing, is the last thing I need to get rid of to start towards being me, with my eating habits.

yeah.................

Feeling like a total failure to everyone around me.
That I'm no longer good enough for anything.
That I've screwed up and no longer am liked.
yeah. no clue what to do. so yep, I'm sucking it up and pressing on.
I'm afraid that I really did screw up.

Don't really want to do much anymore with my life. I'm that down and hard on myself. I have to be perfect for my parents and for my family and for me. If I'm not perfect what will I do, or who will I be?
I'm so grumpy and grabby and upset and then I hurt people and then feel horrible. What am I to do ? I want to scream and curl up to cry at the same time.
This isn't easy and I just don't know how to move forward. I don't know what else to do.

so many things, so little time.

I met my best friend when I was graduating and took him for granted.
We became close friends and then best friends and now boyfriend and girlfriend.
We are going strong and learning and loving life in a new way.
He makes me calm and special. He holds me when I don't know what to do.
I feel though, I have hurt him beyond repair. But instead we have learned to love and respect each other.
He's a forgiving man.
I can't explain his spirit because it's unreal. I'm so happy and he is so wonderful.
I don't give him enough credit. I get caught in the bad and wrong and the horrible ways of doing things and comparing him to so much, when I should be letting him; be himself.
I'm in love with a man that is learning to love God in such an intimate way that only he can experience.
He wants to follow God and be rich in his soul. He wants to be a great dad. He wants to be a better dad than his dad.
First time I saw him was at an ultimate Frisbee game. He was small and thin and lanky, but his eyes saw much hurt, and his giggle rocked through him like an earthquake. He wore his hat, which I was always interested in capturing away from him- never happened sadly.
The most memorable memory, is when we were graduating. We were getting ready to proceed down the isle for graduation and I started freaking out. My best friend stepped over to me, and gave me a hug and told me to "breathe, it's going to be okay" his eyes meant it and he shared his heart with me at that moments. Letting me know it's safe, nothings going to be wrong. That made me so happy knowing that was an encouragement to me. We continued and went on to pose for a picture on this college campus figurine, that you can be fined 200.00 $ for touching! It was amazing haha. He is my best friend. I wish I gave him more credit and respect. But he and I can work things out.
Why am I blessed with a friend that is willing to learn and search towards God and his future.
And I feel like scum for second guessing him.

So amazingly blessed. it's not even funny.
He makes me laugh and smile like I never have before. He knows me way more than I do. just happy and blessed. Nothing I say can tell you how happy I am.

praise God

Praise God!
Praise the Lord of the earth.
The voice who spoke to the stars and told them how to shine.

My boyfriend has been struggling with a addiction that's not talked about. That's hushed and shoved under the rug.

I'm so over joyed that I'm crying. GOD does many things, God is my miracle and he is my heart and now I can only hope he is my boyfriend's heart. WE are working together.

But the reason I have hope he sent me a link.

He sent me articles from this link. Everything he now understands how this also affects me and his parents.

Praise GOD! for opening the eyes of his hearts. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/

Share this! let it be known!

Please.

destruction.

thanks for reading my ranting/slam poem. Based on a conversation with the boyfriend.


gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When will people realize that intentions are the best of me?
when will people realize that they are the problem and to stop placing blame.
It's all on you and all that you can do is, be the best you. THAT you can BE
Don't you understand my plea my flight my expressive horrible dark mean mad side?
Why don't you know this why don't you see your parents want the best for you.
The sooner you believe this, the sooner you will be free.
STOP holding onto this, stop dying inside and hurting other people that care about you

ALL you care about is destruction in your wake all you decided to do is take.
You give to me, but what about your family? ?? ? ? !? ?!?!?!

You are strong and important but seriously stop it! Stop cooperating with the lies and start saturating your mind with the truth, understand your parents are for you and not against you.
Please make an effort to accumulate the truth. Please decided to stop destroying you.
Inside, outside I don't care you need to understand we are all here. FOR who? ?!?! for YOU!

You believe the wrong and refuse the right you hurt deep down inside. I understand how to break away the lies that have molded around your heart, I know how to break away the pieces and tear you apart.
I don't want to be the mean one I really don't. But you my love need some hope.

the hope that might fill your life with me one day, after all this fades away.

Make me the bad guy all you want! I don't care, just open your eyes and see the life that's around you. A new appreciation of love and hope and dreams await us!!!!!!!! Isn't that exciting? we will have scars that bleed and hurt and ache and cause hurt so deep it's unbearable. That's going to be part of our journey

You are more important than the stars and the sky and the sand on the beaches of the ocean side, but please please, I beg you and plead before you on my knees! You my love need to be free.
you are my life and my heart, the thumping to my beat. The dance to my party.
Oh my beloved understand my ache and my hurt. I'm not mad at you. I'm not distraught by your choices, instead I bleed inside. I bleed a tiny bit of hope every single time you look.

I am not mad at you. *heart*  forever and always. ever and ever and ever amen.

Hold and Heal

What do you do if you hurt?
What do you do if you cry?
Do you hide it all inside?
Do you tear the pain away at your skin,
bruised and cut destroying your soul within.
The pain he cause the problem he made, the hurt he inflicted destroying your self esteem!
The man card always played, the wrong i suffered in broad day.
Why can't I think, why can't i breathe? why does it feel that he's still destroying me?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to say, God please take my pain away. Give me peace that I'll never understand. A hope to walk your plan for my life.
I'll sit here rock myself back and forth knowing the past is the past, not my future. I'll sit here holding back tears to keep from screaming and crying and being scared.
I'll hold your hand, just please hold and heal my heart, Father God.

A lot of things happen, in the midst of the storm God sends an angel.

God sent me my boyfriend Dakotah, Dakotah taught me and is still teaching me, I'm a woman. I am to be treated and spoiled and loved and yearned for as a woman. Not an object.
He has captured my heart, like God has.
They both are the loves and hope for my heart and soul.

If many of you know me, I have been hard and wrong on myself. I've hurt and died inside before. I don't want that, but how do you keep that the past when you talk about it?

Anyone ever wonder why I'm so hard on myself, because I feel like I'm wrong and bad and it's bad and wrong and all my fault for what happened in my past, and what I did.


So God hold and heal my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">

what's been bothering me lately

what's been bothering me

So lately I've had major life changes. I have a new job as a CNA (certified nursing assistant) 
I have a new car, that I am currently working towards to pay off. 
I have school - prerequisites for RN applications to many schools. 
and I have a boyfriend. One currently not the one past talked about.
His name is Dakotah :) and he a wonderful guy, part of the reason I feel odd in our relationship. I don't feel I deserve him and it kills me to think; God gave me him and this blessing and I'm shoving it away and that's not what I want. SO in conclusion to that, I am trying my hardest as of now to not lose him. In the midst of all these wonderful gifts I feel as if I am being stripped of my identity in Christ and it hurts because I've let go and that's not what I wanted. I just prayed this morning as everyone was pissed and overwhelmed for stressful reasons. This morning I asked God to help me identify what was wrong to help take away my bad attitude and not direct it at anyone or specific person.
This afternoon on the drive home from school, God blessed me by telling it was my identity in him that I was loosing and causing these problems. I feel lost in a bountiful blessing.
It's a very weird feeling having things you want and have been patient for and to have it download into your brain and spirit before you can think it through. 
It's too much too fast.

But I will be able to get through this with God's help and direction. He's got this.
That's what I know.  My identity in Christ -
I am a child of the one true King!
I am his daughter blessed with grace and mercy. 
I am his child and future to his kingdom. 
He is my father and I am his adopted daughter. 
I am here on his behalf and to spread his love and grace and hope to many.
That is who I am. 


Now, I blew up at my family all day from being stressed over a test and losing myself. I think it may be best to not talk to them the rest of the night in fear of hurting their feelings anymore.
I'm not high and mighty, even if that's the persona I give off. I'm not trying to show that. I want them to know I'm sorry but how do I do that?  on the contrary I am the lowly of low and I feel really bad today.
 
So maybe it might be best to keep to myself and ignore them and hurt them more just so I don't blow up at them.
This is also the reaction I get from not being home enough and it destroys me. 
I'm not home about 4-5 days a week and the family seems to have issues working together when someone is gone (someone is me, mom, and dad)
So *sigh* this another day there are more days. and I have God on my side.
not all is as it seems.

So God, I pray please keep me from hurting my family with my attitude and to help me amend what damage has been done with my word.
Please help me with my identity in you Father God. That I would constantly seek you and your glory, that I might be filled with your Holy Spirit and give freely to those who are in need of your grace.
God I ask you to take the problems I'm facing and turn it into something you can use in my life testimony.
Please God I ask you to help me and everyone around me.
I ask also that my boyfriend wouldn't get the brunt of this, as he is being there for me. Father I don't deserve such a respected man and heart in my life. I ask you to help this relationship stay alive through  you and in your eyes an amazing relationship.
I thank you for waking me up today and giving me life. 
For giving me things to complain about. For saving me and giving me a second chance. 
Father you are the alpha and omega. You are magnificent. 
I pray and ask these things and answers to my questions in your name and your son, Jesus Christ. Amen