Gluten intolerance, or Picky eating?

There is a thing known as Gluten Intolerance, but it is a rarity.
With gluten free and intolerance, you tend to make yourself worse in the effort to get better and you think you are doing yourself a favor in the long run, when in fact you are hurting yourself more.

I'm wondering if for me, hiding behind Gluten intolerance was and is a way to be in control of my food, because I love food.
I do enjoy food way too much and freak out when I eat to much. So by restricting what I can and cannot have makes it easier to live and not be in a sense "mentally fat". I am always conscience of my figure and how I am perceived.
I always wonder though, if I started to claim this "intolerance" is a way for me to hold onto what else I have left of unhealthy eating habits. NOT to be associated with bad and over consumption and junk food eating habits. But unhealthy in the sense of controlling what you eat for the wrong reason.

I have had this wall broke down by my boyfriend. I am starting to eat wheat again and am enjoying it. But at the same time as the wall broke down, I have found myself not as mentally capable to stop snacking and over eating. That I tend to eat way!!!! more than I should and have found myself to weigh ten more pounds than my last weight which was around 140.
I'm worried about ending up fat and mentally fat. I'm scared that if i don't start things now to being mentally competent in my food choices, again that I will end up like most of my extended family, obese and having a lot of medical problems.

The thing is. I don't want to be over weight, i don't want to be fat. I am so afraid of being fat and ending up with another Eating Disorder in efforts to control my weight yet again.
My fear? My mom and dad will tell me i can't exercise, they will tell me that they are watching me relentlessly. That them saying that will make me more upset and more conscience of what I look like.
I know that's misconstruing the point, all in all though it is how I think.

I am afraid to work out because mom will comment and tell me, "I'm worried about you" Yes, I appreciate that. Yes, I love her concern. It's not something I exactly want to know when I'm trying to lose weight to make myself healthy because then it feels like my efforts are for a hidden reason, when in fact they are not.

My mom tells me i'm beautiful and amazing. I can see it. :) I do love her, just she doesn't know how much I weigh and how much I don't want to weigh that number.

She posts things on my Face- Book that make me want to go "MOM! that's not it! I'm overweight and I'm afraid I'm out of control and that I'll do nothing but eat myself to death."
Yes, it's a stupid fear to a "normal" person. But if anyone has ever notice and said it, there is no normal.


SO what, I want to workout the days I don't have work. I want to work out and watch what I eat.
It's not obsessive to the point where I'm anorexic or bulimic. This is something I want to do without having my mom go you're fine the way you are.

And maybe i know if i opened up to her about this I might get her support. But at the same time, I might get her criticism of being "skinny" and beautiful.

So back to my topic at hand. Maybe this gluten thing, is the last thing I need to get rid of to start towards being me, with my eating habits.

yeah.................

Feeling like a total failure to everyone around me.
That I'm no longer good enough for anything.
That I've screwed up and no longer am liked.
yeah. no clue what to do. so yep, I'm sucking it up and pressing on.
I'm afraid that I really did screw up.

Don't really want to do much anymore with my life. I'm that down and hard on myself. I have to be perfect for my parents and for my family and for me. If I'm not perfect what will I do, or who will I be?
I'm so grumpy and grabby and upset and then I hurt people and then feel horrible. What am I to do ? I want to scream and curl up to cry at the same time.
This isn't easy and I just don't know how to move forward. I don't know what else to do.

so many things, so little time.

I met my best friend when I was graduating and took him for granted.
We became close friends and then best friends and now boyfriend and girlfriend.
We are going strong and learning and loving life in a new way.
He makes me calm and special. He holds me when I don't know what to do.
I feel though, I have hurt him beyond repair. But instead we have learned to love and respect each other.
He's a forgiving man.
I can't explain his spirit because it's unreal. I'm so happy and he is so wonderful.
I don't give him enough credit. I get caught in the bad and wrong and the horrible ways of doing things and comparing him to so much, when I should be letting him; be himself.
I'm in love with a man that is learning to love God in such an intimate way that only he can experience.
He wants to follow God and be rich in his soul. He wants to be a great dad. He wants to be a better dad than his dad.
First time I saw him was at an ultimate Frisbee game. He was small and thin and lanky, but his eyes saw much hurt, and his giggle rocked through him like an earthquake. He wore his hat, which I was always interested in capturing away from him- never happened sadly.
The most memorable memory, is when we were graduating. We were getting ready to proceed down the isle for graduation and I started freaking out. My best friend stepped over to me, and gave me a hug and told me to "breathe, it's going to be okay" his eyes meant it and he shared his heart with me at that moments. Letting me know it's safe, nothings going to be wrong. That made me so happy knowing that was an encouragement to me. We continued and went on to pose for a picture on this college campus figurine, that you can be fined 200.00 $ for touching! It was amazing haha. He is my best friend. I wish I gave him more credit and respect. But he and I can work things out.
Why am I blessed with a friend that is willing to learn and search towards God and his future.
And I feel like scum for second guessing him.

So amazingly blessed. it's not even funny.
He makes me laugh and smile like I never have before. He knows me way more than I do. just happy and blessed. Nothing I say can tell you how happy I am.

praise God

Praise God!
Praise the Lord of the earth.
The voice who spoke to the stars and told them how to shine.

My boyfriend has been struggling with a addiction that's not talked about. That's hushed and shoved under the rug.

I'm so over joyed that I'm crying. GOD does many things, God is my miracle and he is my heart and now I can only hope he is my boyfriend's heart. WE are working together.

But the reason I have hope he sent me a link.

He sent me articles from this link. Everything he now understands how this also affects me and his parents.

Praise GOD! for opening the eyes of his hearts. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/

Share this! let it be known!

Please.

destruction.

thanks for reading my ranting/slam poem. Based on a conversation with the boyfriend.


gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When will people realize that intentions are the best of me?
when will people realize that they are the problem and to stop placing blame.
It's all on you and all that you can do is, be the best you. THAT you can BE
Don't you understand my plea my flight my expressive horrible dark mean mad side?
Why don't you know this why don't you see your parents want the best for you.
The sooner you believe this, the sooner you will be free.
STOP holding onto this, stop dying inside and hurting other people that care about you

ALL you care about is destruction in your wake all you decided to do is take.
You give to me, but what about your family? ?? ? ? !? ?!?!?!

You are strong and important but seriously stop it! Stop cooperating with the lies and start saturating your mind with the truth, understand your parents are for you and not against you.
Please make an effort to accumulate the truth. Please decided to stop destroying you.
Inside, outside I don't care you need to understand we are all here. FOR who? ?!?! for YOU!

You believe the wrong and refuse the right you hurt deep down inside. I understand how to break away the lies that have molded around your heart, I know how to break away the pieces and tear you apart.
I don't want to be the mean one I really don't. But you my love need some hope.

the hope that might fill your life with me one day, after all this fades away.

Make me the bad guy all you want! I don't care, just open your eyes and see the life that's around you. A new appreciation of love and hope and dreams await us!!!!!!!! Isn't that exciting? we will have scars that bleed and hurt and ache and cause hurt so deep it's unbearable. That's going to be part of our journey

You are more important than the stars and the sky and the sand on the beaches of the ocean side, but please please, I beg you and plead before you on my knees! You my love need to be free.
you are my life and my heart, the thumping to my beat. The dance to my party.
Oh my beloved understand my ache and my hurt. I'm not mad at you. I'm not distraught by your choices, instead I bleed inside. I bleed a tiny bit of hope every single time you look.

I am not mad at you. *heart*  forever and always. ever and ever and ever amen.

Hold and Heal

What do you do if you hurt?
What do you do if you cry?
Do you hide it all inside?
Do you tear the pain away at your skin,
bruised and cut destroying your soul within.
The pain he cause the problem he made, the hurt he inflicted destroying your self esteem!
The man card always played, the wrong i suffered in broad day.
Why can't I think, why can't i breathe? why does it feel that he's still destroying me?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to say, God please take my pain away. Give me peace that I'll never understand. A hope to walk your plan for my life.
I'll sit here rock myself back and forth knowing the past is the past, not my future. I'll sit here holding back tears to keep from screaming and crying and being scared.
I'll hold your hand, just please hold and heal my heart, Father God.

A lot of things happen, in the midst of the storm God sends an angel.

God sent me my boyfriend Dakotah, Dakotah taught me and is still teaching me, I'm a woman. I am to be treated and spoiled and loved and yearned for as a woman. Not an object.
He has captured my heart, like God has.
They both are the loves and hope for my heart and soul.

If many of you know me, I have been hard and wrong on myself. I've hurt and died inside before. I don't want that, but how do you keep that the past when you talk about it?

Anyone ever wonder why I'm so hard on myself, because I feel like I'm wrong and bad and it's bad and wrong and all my fault for what happened in my past, and what I did.


So God hold and heal my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">

what's been bothering me lately

what's been bothering me

So lately I've had major life changes. I have a new job as a CNA (certified nursing assistant) 
I have a new car, that I am currently working towards to pay off. 
I have school - prerequisites for RN applications to many schools. 
and I have a boyfriend. One currently not the one past talked about.
His name is Dakotah :) and he a wonderful guy, part of the reason I feel odd in our relationship. I don't feel I deserve him and it kills me to think; God gave me him and this blessing and I'm shoving it away and that's not what I want. SO in conclusion to that, I am trying my hardest as of now to not lose him. In the midst of all these wonderful gifts I feel as if I am being stripped of my identity in Christ and it hurts because I've let go and that's not what I wanted. I just prayed this morning as everyone was pissed and overwhelmed for stressful reasons. This morning I asked God to help me identify what was wrong to help take away my bad attitude and not direct it at anyone or specific person.
This afternoon on the drive home from school, God blessed me by telling it was my identity in him that I was loosing and causing these problems. I feel lost in a bountiful blessing.
It's a very weird feeling having things you want and have been patient for and to have it download into your brain and spirit before you can think it through. 
It's too much too fast.

But I will be able to get through this with God's help and direction. He's got this.
That's what I know.  My identity in Christ -
I am a child of the one true King!
I am his daughter blessed with grace and mercy. 
I am his child and future to his kingdom. 
He is my father and I am his adopted daughter. 
I am here on his behalf and to spread his love and grace and hope to many.
That is who I am. 


Now, I blew up at my family all day from being stressed over a test and losing myself. I think it may be best to not talk to them the rest of the night in fear of hurting their feelings anymore.
I'm not high and mighty, even if that's the persona I give off. I'm not trying to show that. I want them to know I'm sorry but how do I do that?  on the contrary I am the lowly of low and I feel really bad today.
 
So maybe it might be best to keep to myself and ignore them and hurt them more just so I don't blow up at them.
This is also the reaction I get from not being home enough and it destroys me. 
I'm not home about 4-5 days a week and the family seems to have issues working together when someone is gone (someone is me, mom, and dad)
So *sigh* this another day there are more days. and I have God on my side.
not all is as it seems.

So God, I pray please keep me from hurting my family with my attitude and to help me amend what damage has been done with my word.
Please help me with my identity in you Father God. That I would constantly seek you and your glory, that I might be filled with your Holy Spirit and give freely to those who are in need of your grace.
God I ask you to take the problems I'm facing and turn it into something you can use in my life testimony.
Please God I ask you to help me and everyone around me.
I ask also that my boyfriend wouldn't get the brunt of this, as he is being there for me. Father I don't deserve such a respected man and heart in my life. I ask you to help this relationship stay alive through  you and in your eyes an amazing relationship.
I thank you for waking me up today and giving me life. 
For giving me things to complain about. For saving me and giving me a second chance. 
Father you are the alpha and omega. You are magnificent. 
I pray and ask these things and answers to my questions in your name and your son, Jesus Christ. Amen