My family is labeled.
Most people will point fingers and give a social role, that my family does not fit into.
My family is strong and powerful and amazing. We are firm in Christ and that is the label that will stay with my family.
Due to recent events that might change. Words and rumors will be said and spread among our social circle and other people that we do not know.
MY parents have done everything and more for me. WE are a typical home-school family with a lot going on. My parents learned and conquered more than you can imagine and coming out of the life they did and raising me and my siblings. They are amazing and it hurts to think of them being labeled because of recent events.
My parents didn't screw up.
One of my siblings has screwed up and because of that screw up, it effects the family unit. Now, our social image will be corrupted. Should I be so worried about that?
I would think so. This Social label will be stuck with my parents and my siblings and me.
With my sibling doing what they did. I feel like I want to give up and disown them. I want nothing to do with them because I am so hurt. I betray my sibling to keep my social image and disclosure confidential. I don't want people knowing this label. I don't want people viewing me differently because of what has happened. I want them to know I love them and I am God's side and nothing can change that.
But what to do? I'm so distraught and conflicted. Nothing seems right anymore, and this is hard.
I wont disown or shame my sibling, I wont hide them. I will not tell what's gone on. I will make up more excuses to protect them. If it's the least I can do, let me do it and hopefully God willing my heart will be okay with this decision.
I don't want this label, yet it is brought to my family and we will not accept it. We will not let it effect us drastically. We will survive and live on to God's calling and love for our lives as a family and a unit.
I am so scared, but he's here with me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSFH6_IiOlw
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Gluten intolerance, or Picky eating?
There is a thing known as Gluten Intolerance, but it is a rarity.
With gluten free and intolerance, you tend to make yourself worse in the effort to get better and you think you are doing yourself a favor in the long run, when in fact you are hurting yourself more.
I'm wondering if for me, hiding behind Gluten intolerance was and is a way to be in control of my food, because I love food.
I do enjoy food way too much and freak out when I eat to much. So by restricting what I can and cannot have makes it easier to live and not be in a sense "mentally fat". I am always conscience of my figure and how I am perceived.
I always wonder though, if I started to claim this "intolerance" is a way for me to hold onto what else I have left of unhealthy eating habits. NOT to be associated with bad and over consumption and junk food eating habits. But unhealthy in the sense of controlling what you eat for the wrong reason.
I have had this wall broke down by my boyfriend. I am starting to eat wheat again and am enjoying it. But at the same time as the wall broke down, I have found myself not as mentally capable to stop snacking and over eating. That I tend to eat way!!!! more than I should and have found myself to weigh ten more pounds than my last weight which was around 140.
I'm worried about ending up fat and mentally fat. I'm scared that if i don't start things now to being mentally competent in my food choices, again that I will end up like most of my extended family, obese and having a lot of medical problems.
The thing is. I don't want to be over weight, i don't want to be fat. I am so afraid of being fat and ending up with another Eating Disorder in efforts to control my weight yet again.
My fear? My mom and dad will tell me i can't exercise, they will tell me that they are watching me relentlessly. That them saying that will make me more upset and more conscience of what I look like.
I know that's misconstruing the point, all in all though it is how I think.
I am afraid to work out because mom will comment and tell me, "I'm worried about you" Yes, I appreciate that. Yes, I love her concern. It's not something I exactly want to know when I'm trying to lose weight to make myself healthy because then it feels like my efforts are for a hidden reason, when in fact they are not.
My mom tells me i'm beautiful and amazing. I can see it. :) I do love her, just she doesn't know how much I weigh and how much I don't want to weigh that number.
She posts things on my Face- Book that make me want to go "MOM! that's not it! I'm overweight and I'm afraid I'm out of control and that I'll do nothing but eat myself to death."
Yes, it's a stupid fear to a "normal" person. But if anyone has ever notice and said it, there is no normal.
SO what, I want to workout the days I don't have work. I want to work out and watch what I eat.
It's not obsessive to the point where I'm anorexic or bulimic. This is something I want to do without having my mom go you're fine the way you are.
And maybe i know if i opened up to her about this I might get her support. But at the same time, I might get her criticism of being "skinny" and beautiful.
So back to my topic at hand. Maybe this gluten thing, is the last thing I need to get rid of to start towards being me, with my eating habits.
With gluten free and intolerance, you tend to make yourself worse in the effort to get better and you think you are doing yourself a favor in the long run, when in fact you are hurting yourself more.
I'm wondering if for me, hiding behind Gluten intolerance was and is a way to be in control of my food, because I love food.
I do enjoy food way too much and freak out when I eat to much. So by restricting what I can and cannot have makes it easier to live and not be in a sense "mentally fat". I am always conscience of my figure and how I am perceived.
I always wonder though, if I started to claim this "intolerance" is a way for me to hold onto what else I have left of unhealthy eating habits. NOT to be associated with bad and over consumption and junk food eating habits. But unhealthy in the sense of controlling what you eat for the wrong reason.
I have had this wall broke down by my boyfriend. I am starting to eat wheat again and am enjoying it. But at the same time as the wall broke down, I have found myself not as mentally capable to stop snacking and over eating. That I tend to eat way!!!! more than I should and have found myself to weigh ten more pounds than my last weight which was around 140.
I'm worried about ending up fat and mentally fat. I'm scared that if i don't start things now to being mentally competent in my food choices, again that I will end up like most of my extended family, obese and having a lot of medical problems.
The thing is. I don't want to be over weight, i don't want to be fat. I am so afraid of being fat and ending up with another Eating Disorder in efforts to control my weight yet again.
My fear? My mom and dad will tell me i can't exercise, they will tell me that they are watching me relentlessly. That them saying that will make me more upset and more conscience of what I look like.
I know that's misconstruing the point, all in all though it is how I think.
I am afraid to work out because mom will comment and tell me, "I'm worried about you" Yes, I appreciate that. Yes, I love her concern. It's not something I exactly want to know when I'm trying to lose weight to make myself healthy because then it feels like my efforts are for a hidden reason, when in fact they are not.
My mom tells me i'm beautiful and amazing. I can see it. :) I do love her, just she doesn't know how much I weigh and how much I don't want to weigh that number.
She posts things on my Face- Book that make me want to go "MOM! that's not it! I'm overweight and I'm afraid I'm out of control and that I'll do nothing but eat myself to death."
Yes, it's a stupid fear to a "normal" person. But if anyone has ever notice and said it, there is no normal.
SO what, I want to workout the days I don't have work. I want to work out and watch what I eat.
It's not obsessive to the point where I'm anorexic or bulimic. This is something I want to do without having my mom go you're fine the way you are.
And maybe i know if i opened up to her about this I might get her support. But at the same time, I might get her criticism of being "skinny" and beautiful.
So back to my topic at hand. Maybe this gluten thing, is the last thing I need to get rid of to start towards being me, with my eating habits.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
yeah.................
Feeling like a total failure to everyone around me.
That I'm no longer good enough for anything.
That I've screwed up and no longer am liked.
yeah. no clue what to do. so yep, I'm sucking it up and pressing on.
I'm afraid that I really did screw up.
Don't really want to do much anymore with my life. I'm that down and hard on myself. I have to be perfect for my parents and for my family and for me. If I'm not perfect what will I do, or who will I be?
I'm so grumpy and grabby and upset and then I hurt people and then feel horrible. What am I to do ? I want to scream and curl up to cry at the same time.
This isn't easy and I just don't know how to move forward. I don't know what else to do.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
so many things, so little time.
I met my best friend when I was graduating and took him for granted.
We became close friends and then best friends and now boyfriend and girlfriend.
We are going strong and learning and loving life in a new way.
He makes me calm and special. He holds me when I don't know what to do.
I feel though, I have hurt him beyond repair. But instead we have learned to love and respect each other.
He's a forgiving man.
I can't explain his spirit because it's unreal. I'm so happy and he is so wonderful.
I don't give him enough credit. I get caught in the bad and wrong and the horrible ways of doing things and comparing him to so much, when I should be letting him; be himself.
I'm in love with a man that is learning to love God in such an intimate way that only he can experience.
He wants to follow God and be rich in his soul. He wants to be a great dad. He wants to be a better dad than his dad.
First time I saw him was at an ultimate Frisbee game. He was small and thin and lanky, but his eyes saw much hurt, and his giggle rocked through him like an earthquake. He wore his hat, which I was always interested in capturing away from him- never happened sadly.
The most memorable memory, is when we were graduating. We were getting ready to proceed down the isle for graduation and I started freaking out. My best friend stepped over to me, and gave me a hug and told me to "breathe, it's going to be okay" his eyes meant it and he shared his heart with me at that moments. Letting me know it's safe, nothings going to be wrong. That made me so happy knowing that was an encouragement to me. We continued and went on to pose for a picture on this college campus figurine, that you can be fined 200.00 $ for touching! It was amazing haha. He is my best friend. I wish I gave him more credit and respect. But he and I can work things out.
Why am I blessed with a friend that is willing to learn and search towards God and his future.
And I feel like scum for second guessing him.
So amazingly blessed. it's not even funny.
He makes me laugh and smile like I never have before. He knows me way more than I do. just happy and blessed. Nothing I say can tell you how happy I am.
We became close friends and then best friends and now boyfriend and girlfriend.
We are going strong and learning and loving life in a new way.
He makes me calm and special. He holds me when I don't know what to do.
I feel though, I have hurt him beyond repair. But instead we have learned to love and respect each other.
He's a forgiving man.
I can't explain his spirit because it's unreal. I'm so happy and he is so wonderful.
I don't give him enough credit. I get caught in the bad and wrong and the horrible ways of doing things and comparing him to so much, when I should be letting him; be himself.
I'm in love with a man that is learning to love God in such an intimate way that only he can experience.
He wants to follow God and be rich in his soul. He wants to be a great dad. He wants to be a better dad than his dad.
First time I saw him was at an ultimate Frisbee game. He was small and thin and lanky, but his eyes saw much hurt, and his giggle rocked through him like an earthquake. He wore his hat, which I was always interested in capturing away from him- never happened sadly.
The most memorable memory, is when we were graduating. We were getting ready to proceed down the isle for graduation and I started freaking out. My best friend stepped over to me, and gave me a hug and told me to "breathe, it's going to be okay" his eyes meant it and he shared his heart with me at that moments. Letting me know it's safe, nothings going to be wrong. That made me so happy knowing that was an encouragement to me. We continued and went on to pose for a picture on this college campus figurine, that you can be fined 200.00 $ for touching! It was amazing haha. He is my best friend. I wish I gave him more credit and respect. But he and I can work things out.
Why am I blessed with a friend that is willing to learn and search towards God and his future.
And I feel like scum for second guessing him.
So amazingly blessed. it's not even funny.
He makes me laugh and smile like I never have before. He knows me way more than I do. just happy and blessed. Nothing I say can tell you how happy I am.
Monday, July 21, 2014
praise God
Praise God!
Praise the Lord of the earth.
The voice who spoke to the stars and told them how to shine.
My boyfriend has been struggling with a addiction that's not talked about. That's hushed and shoved under the rug.
I'm so over joyed that I'm crying. GOD does many things, God is my miracle and he is my heart and now I can only hope he is my boyfriend's heart. WE are working together.
But the reason I have hope he sent me a link.
He sent me articles from this link. Everything he now understands how this also affects me and his parents.
Praise GOD! for opening the eyes of his hearts. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
Share this! let it be known!
Please.
Praise the Lord of the earth.
The voice who spoke to the stars and told them how to shine.
My boyfriend has been struggling with a addiction that's not talked about. That's hushed and shoved under the rug.
I'm so over joyed that I'm crying. GOD does many things, God is my miracle and he is my heart and now I can only hope he is my boyfriend's heart. WE are working together.
But the reason I have hope he sent me a link.
He sent me articles from this link. Everything he now understands how this also affects me and his parents.
Praise GOD! for opening the eyes of his hearts. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
Share this! let it be known!
Please.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
destruction.
thanks for reading my ranting/slam poem. Based on a conversation with the boyfriend.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
When will people realize that intentions are the best of me?
when will people realize that they are the problem and to stop placing blame.
It's all on you and all that you can do is, be the best you. THAT you can BE
Don't you understand my plea my flight my expressive horrible dark mean mad side?
Why don't you know this why don't you see your parents want the best for you.
The sooner you believe this, the sooner you will be free.
STOP holding onto this, stop dying inside and hurting other people that care about you
ALL you care about is destruction in your wake all you decided to do is take.
You give to me, but what about your family? ?? ? ? !? ?!?!?!
You are strong and important but seriously stop it! Stop cooperating with the lies and start saturating your mind with the truth, understand your parents are for you and not against you.
Please make an effort to accumulate the truth. Please decided to stop destroying you.
Inside, outside I don't care you need to understand we are all here. FOR who? ?!?! for YOU!
You believe the wrong and refuse the right you hurt deep down inside. I understand how to break away the lies that have molded around your heart, I know how to break away the pieces and tear you apart.
I don't want to be the mean one I really don't. But you my love need some hope.
the hope that might fill your life with me one day, after all this fades away.
Make me the bad guy all you want! I don't care, just open your eyes and see the life that's around you. A new appreciation of love and hope and dreams await us!!!!!!!! Isn't that exciting? we will have scars that bleed and hurt and ache and cause hurt so deep it's unbearable. That's going to be part of our journey
You are more important than the stars and the sky and the sand on the beaches of the ocean side, but please please, I beg you and plead before you on my knees! You my love need to be free.
you are my life and my heart, the thumping to my beat. The dance to my party.
Oh my beloved understand my ache and my hurt. I'm not mad at you. I'm not distraught by your choices, instead I bleed inside. I bleed a tiny bit of hope every single time you look.
I am not mad at you. *heart* forever and always. ever and ever and ever amen.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
When will people realize that intentions are the best of me?
when will people realize that they are the problem and to stop placing blame.
It's all on you and all that you can do is, be the best you. THAT you can BE
Don't you understand my plea my flight my expressive horrible dark mean mad side?
Why don't you know this why don't you see your parents want the best for you.
The sooner you believe this, the sooner you will be free.
STOP holding onto this, stop dying inside and hurting other people that care about you
ALL you care about is destruction in your wake all you decided to do is take.
You give to me, but what about your family? ?? ? ? !? ?!?!?!
You are strong and important but seriously stop it! Stop cooperating with the lies and start saturating your mind with the truth, understand your parents are for you and not against you.
Please make an effort to accumulate the truth. Please decided to stop destroying you.
Inside, outside I don't care you need to understand we are all here. FOR who? ?!?! for YOU!
You believe the wrong and refuse the right you hurt deep down inside. I understand how to break away the lies that have molded around your heart, I know how to break away the pieces and tear you apart.
I don't want to be the mean one I really don't. But you my love need some hope.
the hope that might fill your life with me one day, after all this fades away.
Make me the bad guy all you want! I don't care, just open your eyes and see the life that's around you. A new appreciation of love and hope and dreams await us!!!!!!!! Isn't that exciting? we will have scars that bleed and hurt and ache and cause hurt so deep it's unbearable. That's going to be part of our journey
You are more important than the stars and the sky and the sand on the beaches of the ocean side, but please please, I beg you and plead before you on my knees! You my love need to be free.
you are my life and my heart, the thumping to my beat. The dance to my party.
Oh my beloved understand my ache and my hurt. I'm not mad at you. I'm not distraught by your choices, instead I bleed inside. I bleed a tiny bit of hope every single time you look.
I am not mad at you. *heart* forever and always. ever and ever and ever amen.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Hold and Heal
What do you do if you hurt?
What do you do if you cry?
Do you hide it all inside?
Do you tear the pain away at your skin,
bruised and cut destroying your soul within.
The pain he cause the problem he made, the hurt he inflicted destroying your self esteem!
The man card always played, the wrong i suffered in broad day.
Why can't I think, why can't i breathe? why does it feel that he's still destroying me?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to say, God please take my pain away. Give me peace that I'll never understand. A hope to walk your plan for my life.
I'll sit here rock myself back and forth knowing the past is the past, not my future. I'll sit here holding back tears to keep from screaming and crying and being scared.
I'll hold your hand, just please hold and heal my heart, Father God.
A lot of things happen, in the midst of the storm God sends an angel.
God sent me my boyfriend Dakotah, Dakotah taught me and is still teaching me, I'm a woman. I am to be treated and spoiled and loved and yearned for as a woman. Not an object.
He has captured my heart, like God has.
They both are the loves and hope for my heart and soul.
If many of you know me, I have been hard and wrong on myself. I've hurt and died inside before. I don't want that, but how do you keep that the past when you talk about it?
Anyone ever wonder why I'm so hard on myself, because I feel like I'm wrong and bad and it's bad and wrong and all my fault for what happened in my past, and what I did.
So God hold and heal my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">
What do you do if you cry?
Do you hide it all inside?
Do you tear the pain away at your skin,
bruised and cut destroying your soul within.
The pain he cause the problem he made, the hurt he inflicted destroying your self esteem!
The man card always played, the wrong i suffered in broad day.
Why can't I think, why can't i breathe? why does it feel that he's still destroying me?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to say, God please take my pain away. Give me peace that I'll never understand. A hope to walk your plan for my life.
I'll sit here rock myself back and forth knowing the past is the past, not my future. I'll sit here holding back tears to keep from screaming and crying and being scared.
I'll hold your hand, just please hold and heal my heart, Father God.
A lot of things happen, in the midst of the storm God sends an angel.
God sent me my boyfriend Dakotah, Dakotah taught me and is still teaching me, I'm a woman. I am to be treated and spoiled and loved and yearned for as a woman. Not an object.
He has captured my heart, like God has.
They both are the loves and hope for my heart and soul.
If many of you know me, I have been hard and wrong on myself. I've hurt and died inside before. I don't want that, but how do you keep that the past when you talk about it?
Anyone ever wonder why I'm so hard on myself, because I feel like I'm wrong and bad and it's bad and wrong and all my fault for what happened in my past, and what I did.
So God hold and heal my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">
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