So I am graduating in less than 2 weeks. I'm nervouse beyond belief.
I have been trying to keep my feet on the ground and my heads out of the clouds. I still have no desire to graduate, and still do not know why.
I am going to be fine, although sad and nervouse are two very big things pounding my head and heart right now.
So since I'm trying not to dwell on these things, I am focusing on figuring out gifts and other things for my friends graduating.
I'm also doing something special for my parents, they are getting me something? Well, I'm giving them something as well. (I can't say because mom watches my blog :3 ) so I'll try to update a new blog explaining what I did :)
I am having a graduation reception, which is turning out bigger than I thought. :S
I am very tired and nervous about tripping down the isle as I walk in this giant eat-me-up gown :S
I look like a frog in my hat, inside a penguin costume, swallowed by a whale, with white foam coming out of my neck. MY gown is TOO big!!! XD its so odd!
Anyway I just got done crying over my gift to my parents and really cant wait to give it to them.
But I'm affraid they will cry XD So horribly bad and then I'll cry and then it's this giant circle of mushy-gushy hugs (which I totaly dont mind!) and kisses and speaking while blubbering like a goose without voical chords :)
Anyway I'm going to call it a night. Peaces :)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Best Friends
Best friends are there in a time of need.
They help and they support you.
They pray with and for you.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends laugh at your horrid jokes.
They can be calm and roudy.
They mess up your hair as you do the same back.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends smile when they're happy,
but are instantly unhappy when you are sad.
They want to help and cheer you up.
This is my best friend.
I have several best friends, and I miss two particularly more than anything else.
I miss having my best friend to text and yeah, it's been a week..... yes I know -_- a week. But it feels like a life time away from him. He's amazing and I enjoy hanging out with him. I am scared how me going to college and him finishing his Jr. year will change how we hang out.
I'm going on a big trip this summer, and he has a job... (I need one btw. .. . . . my other job I was laid-off) I'm scared of what will happen with us hanging out. I like it, and it's nice to fellowship and talk about life problems and pray. But, the fact remains; I miss him.
I also miss my best friend Jesus.... I've been advoiding him, just don't know what to do. Feel lost and found at the same time. I'm not sure what I want to do or what he wants me to do. I'm scared beyond reason. :/ It's stupid I know better, I really do.
I miss my Best Friend.
They help and they support you.
They pray with and for you.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends laugh at your horrid jokes.
They can be calm and roudy.
They mess up your hair as you do the same back.
I miss my best friend.
Best friends smile when they're happy,
but are instantly unhappy when you are sad.
They want to help and cheer you up.
This is my best friend.
I have several best friends, and I miss two particularly more than anything else.
I miss having my best friend to text and yeah, it's been a week..... yes I know -_- a week. But it feels like a life time away from him. He's amazing and I enjoy hanging out with him. I am scared how me going to college and him finishing his Jr. year will change how we hang out.
I'm going on a big trip this summer, and he has a job... (I need one btw. .. . . . my other job I was laid-off) I'm scared of what will happen with us hanging out. I like it, and it's nice to fellowship and talk about life problems and pray. But, the fact remains; I miss him.
I also miss my best friend Jesus.... I've been advoiding him, just don't know what to do. Feel lost and found at the same time. I'm not sure what I want to do or what he wants me to do. I'm scared beyond reason. :/ It's stupid I know better, I really do.
I miss my Best Friend.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Willow's Breeze
Come sit with me beneath the willow,
there is plenty room all around.
Come sit with me beneath the willow,
upon the solid ground
When you sit with me beneath the willow,
you will hear the children play.
Underneath the willow, till forever and a day.
The breeze is softer than the sun,
as quiet as your smile.
The breeze is softer than the rain,
upon your face as it falls.
Can you hear the willow breath in a song?
Can you hear the song forever in your heart?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Lay underneath the willow with me,
release your burdens free.
As you lay beside me, dream a dream.
Only one that you can see.
Look up into the sky, before you now.
See the clouds pass us by,
as the world goes 'round.
Hold on tight to your dreams,
as you lay beside me.
Can you hear the willow's soul?
Can you see the willow's grin?
Can you hold the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's breeze?
there is plenty room all around.
Come sit with me beneath the willow,
upon the solid ground
When you sit with me beneath the willow,
you will hear the children play.
Underneath the willow, till forever and a day.
The breeze is softer than the sun,
as quiet as your smile.
The breeze is softer than the rain,
upon your face as it falls.
Can you hear the willow breath in a song?
Can you hear the song forever in your heart?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's song?
Lay underneath the willow with me,
release your burdens free.
As you lay beside me, dream a dream.
Only one that you can see.
Look up into the sky, before you now.
See the clouds pass us by,
as the world goes 'round.
Hold on tight to your dreams,
as you lay beside me.
Can you hear the willow's soul?
Can you see the willow's grin?
Can you hold the willow's song?
Can you feel the willow's breeze?
Behind My Back with ED?
What bothers me the most sometimes is people going behind my back.
I've been sick this past week with a stomach bug. Odd thing is, I've had no fever or anything to cause my stomach to revolt in such a way that I can barely keep down liquids.
Today, I am doing better. I went to the doctor Friday and was given a prescription.
But on this incident, one of my mother's friends asked if my mom had thought about me having anorexia or bulimia.
Dare I say, I find this an insult!
Granted in the past I've been afraid of food. Afraid I'll get sick off of something I eat again, or getting sick off of something new. I tried pawning off my eating habits as some sort of "E.D" (eating disorder) because, I thought that the best to label it. When in reality I'm just afraid of getting sick again. I don't need all the medical complications that come with being sick so often. I don't want that, so I try to watch what I eat and avoid things that make me sick.
I don't believe I have the mind tendency towards or pro-anorexia or pro-bulimia.
It's such a heavy secret to keep and hurt yourself like that. The complications of both diseases are to extreme to be played with. Losing muscle mass, torn stomach muscles, torn stomach, almost dead, starving your brain, starving your heart of nutrients of vitality!
I've thought before I was an anorexic, and a bulimic. I don't want to starve myself to be pretty. I don't want to throw up because I ate too much. That's too much control issues that I don't need to worry about. Why anyone would want to do this to themselves is beyond me. It is not the case for me; I am just afraid to get sick. I think I make myself sick sometimes with stress, but not purpose to have the "best" figure!
I can understand my mother's friend's concern, but it demolishes my self-esteem to bits knowing that they think this about me. Granted I should take everything said by my mom's friend as a grain of salt. I won't let it bother me anymore.
I find the trust of thoughts, of my mom's friend a frail one.
I don't know why I get so sick sometimes off of food I've eaten in the past. Or why some food doesn't agree with me. I think I have a sensitive stomach that once I do something to irritate it, I've got to be careful the next two days to settle it down. I know what I can, and cannot handle with my eating habits. So, I try my best. That's all anyone could ask me to do :)
Latest updates. I've been keeping up with school. I'm doing fairly well. I have four subjects and am almost done with one of them to make three. How many seniors have three subjects for the second semester in high-school?. So with school and graduation coming closer to the end I'm getting scared and nervous, I really don't want to graduate. I'm terrified of why I have to do this. Because, I'm growing up? No, because I don't want the spot light on me. I'm a background person, I really just want to finish high school be done and ignore graduating. But I know that's not the case and maybe in the future I'll be happy I did.
I'm going to winter camp with my youth group at church. I'm nervous about that.
I'm nervous because I will be going to a different youth camp than I have in the past and not knowing anyone.... Well it will be a new experience. I'm positive I'll like it. Just worried about the first day. (thank God, they camp is able to make things with out wheat --aka gluten-- I love them! still bringing snack though :) )
Anyway... I guess that's it for now. :) I'm content and happy to be. <3 font="" peaces="">
I've been sick this past week with a stomach bug. Odd thing is, I've had no fever or anything to cause my stomach to revolt in such a way that I can barely keep down liquids.
Today, I am doing better. I went to the doctor Friday and was given a prescription.
But on this incident, one of my mother's friends asked if my mom had thought about me having anorexia or bulimia.
Dare I say, I find this an insult!
Granted in the past I've been afraid of food. Afraid I'll get sick off of something I eat again, or getting sick off of something new. I tried pawning off my eating habits as some sort of "E.D" (eating disorder) because, I thought that the best to label it. When in reality I'm just afraid of getting sick again. I don't need all the medical complications that come with being sick so often. I don't want that, so I try to watch what I eat and avoid things that make me sick.
I don't believe I have the mind tendency towards or pro-anorexia or pro-bulimia.
It's such a heavy secret to keep and hurt yourself like that. The complications of both diseases are to extreme to be played with. Losing muscle mass, torn stomach muscles, torn stomach, almost dead, starving your brain, starving your heart of nutrients of vitality!
I've thought before I was an anorexic, and a bulimic. I don't want to starve myself to be pretty. I don't want to throw up because I ate too much. That's too much control issues that I don't need to worry about. Why anyone would want to do this to themselves is beyond me. It is not the case for me; I am just afraid to get sick. I think I make myself sick sometimes with stress, but not purpose to have the "best" figure!
I can understand my mother's friend's concern, but it demolishes my self-esteem to bits knowing that they think this about me. Granted I should take everything said by my mom's friend as a grain of salt. I won't let it bother me anymore.
I find the trust of thoughts, of my mom's friend a frail one.
I don't know why I get so sick sometimes off of food I've eaten in the past. Or why some food doesn't agree with me. I think I have a sensitive stomach that once I do something to irritate it, I've got to be careful the next two days to settle it down. I know what I can, and cannot handle with my eating habits. So, I try my best. That's all anyone could ask me to do :)
Latest updates. I've been keeping up with school. I'm doing fairly well. I have four subjects and am almost done with one of them to make three. How many seniors have three subjects for the second semester in high-school?. So with school and graduation coming closer to the end I'm getting scared and nervous, I really don't want to graduate. I'm terrified of why I have to do this. Because, I'm growing up? No, because I don't want the spot light on me. I'm a background person, I really just want to finish high school be done and ignore graduating. But I know that's not the case and maybe in the future I'll be happy I did.
I'm going to winter camp with my youth group at church. I'm nervous about that.
I'm nervous because I will be going to a different youth camp than I have in the past and not knowing anyone.... Well it will be a new experience. I'm positive I'll like it. Just worried about the first day. (thank God, they camp is able to make things with out wheat --aka gluten-- I love them! still bringing snack though :) )
Anyway... I guess that's it for now. :) I'm content and happy to be. <3 font="" peaces="">
Sunday, January 27, 2013
No boyfriend? *say what?*
I don't need a boyfriend.
Just because I'm a senior in high school does not mean, I need a boy friend. Would I like one? I don't know the answer to that yet, I know I would probably enjoy the attention and being in "love" but I'm not sure I want that yet.
I do know, that I need a boyfriend when I am not emotionally or physically mature in the matter of having a boyfriend. Yes, I've hit the point in a girls life when you have that special time of the month. But that does not mean I am physically mature. I'm not ready to hand over my body to the changes that child bearing brings. It's my body at the moment and I want to keep it that way. God, will tell me when I'm ready and I will know. I also don't need to be "laid". I don't need a child in my current position in life. I don't need to be pregnant. I don't need to be a mom now when I'm just learning to live. I have a job, my goals in life should come first along side my family and God. (not in that order, but hopefully you get the idea)
I have a friend, he is an incredible friend. He has helped me a lot since I've met him and hung out with him. Just because we're friends though, does not mean anything has to happen.
My friend and I have talked numerous times about our future and about relationships and what would happen between us. My friend and I have a mutual agreement that we both aren't physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally ready for a relationship. We want to be good friends, we want to keep our friendship open and not awkward. We both have set up something called "boundary lines" for each other. If I feel he's pushing into a boundary line or going to far, I promised to tell him. He has done the same for me. Example- My friend likes to play vampire bunny, or fishy (games) and then touch my hand or neck. I don't have an issue with that. (he hasn't tried anything else either) but if he were to try and touch say.... my tummy. I would tell him off. He has done the same for me, he has had to grab my hands at one point because I was going to touch his neck, he felt like it wasn't a good idea, and said, "*insert name* I don't think that's a good idea, and I feel my boundary line is being crossed." I respect him a lot. My friend is very respectful and I do trust him a lot. I love hanging out with him, because he is a good friend that I can relate to. I'm blessed to have a "guy" friend that is so respectful and careful on what he does and says because he knows I am a woman, and he knows from his parents teaching him, that I am to be respective. I applaud him on this, because most people don't understand that women are to be respected mentally and emotionally, not just physically. My friend and I have a mutual understanding and respectful friendship. I like that.
Now, the teasing that goes on.... I find it very annoying and I've asked people to stop. Do they listen? No. Do they respect my wishes on them stopping the teasing? No.
My friend and I are not "Not-a-boyfriend/girlfriend" no, we are simply friends!
I don't have a boyfriend and I don't need one right now. It's not funny when people tease. Yes, they might get a response out of me. Yes, I will blush and be embarrassed that my family and friends actually think that. Today, I was asked by a close friend how my "boyfriend" was. I became nervous and gave them a hard look. That's what made me write this post as I should be doing home-work. I wanted to clarify to some people, that some kids don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's okay to be friends and wait on the mushy gushy stuff till marriage. I mean come on swapping spit? touching each other with your tongues? 0.o .... I'm not repulsed by this entirely. It's a way to show affection and love and intimacy, I'm not ready for that yet. Not yet, I just want to be friends. Get to know you, before anything happens. The world says "without your opposite half you're incomplete" Oh yeah? really? then I'm broken? NO! I just am waiting for my life to begin and enjoy my moments as teen. Also, I'm scared as shit! to grow up and not be in high school XD my "guy" friend is a Jr. and I'm a Sr. He's older than me? 0.o yeah what I thought. :3 anyway, I'm just being me for now. :)
Just because I'm a senior in high school does not mean, I need a boy friend. Would I like one? I don't know the answer to that yet, I know I would probably enjoy the attention and being in "love" but I'm not sure I want that yet.
I do know, that I need a boyfriend when I am not emotionally or physically mature in the matter of having a boyfriend. Yes, I've hit the point in a girls life when you have that special time of the month. But that does not mean I am physically mature. I'm not ready to hand over my body to the changes that child bearing brings. It's my body at the moment and I want to keep it that way. God, will tell me when I'm ready and I will know. I also don't need to be "laid". I don't need a child in my current position in life. I don't need to be pregnant. I don't need to be a mom now when I'm just learning to live. I have a job, my goals in life should come first along side my family and God. (not in that order, but hopefully you get the idea)
I have a friend, he is an incredible friend. He has helped me a lot since I've met him and hung out with him. Just because we're friends though, does not mean anything has to happen.
My friend and I have talked numerous times about our future and about relationships and what would happen between us. My friend and I have a mutual agreement that we both aren't physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally ready for a relationship. We want to be good friends, we want to keep our friendship open and not awkward. We both have set up something called "boundary lines" for each other. If I feel he's pushing into a boundary line or going to far, I promised to tell him. He has done the same for me. Example- My friend likes to play vampire bunny, or fishy (games) and then touch my hand or neck. I don't have an issue with that. (he hasn't tried anything else either) but if he were to try and touch say.... my tummy. I would tell him off. He has done the same for me, he has had to grab my hands at one point because I was going to touch his neck, he felt like it wasn't a good idea, and said, "*insert name* I don't think that's a good idea, and I feel my boundary line is being crossed." I respect him a lot. My friend is very respectful and I do trust him a lot. I love hanging out with him, because he is a good friend that I can relate to. I'm blessed to have a "guy" friend that is so respectful and careful on what he does and says because he knows I am a woman, and he knows from his parents teaching him, that I am to be respective. I applaud him on this, because most people don't understand that women are to be respected mentally and emotionally, not just physically. My friend and I have a mutual understanding and respectful friendship. I like that.
Now, the teasing that goes on.... I find it very annoying and I've asked people to stop. Do they listen? No. Do they respect my wishes on them stopping the teasing? No.
My friend and I are not "Not-a-boyfriend/girlfriend" no, we are simply friends!
I don't have a boyfriend and I don't need one right now. It's not funny when people tease. Yes, they might get a response out of me. Yes, I will blush and be embarrassed that my family and friends actually think that. Today, I was asked by a close friend how my "boyfriend" was. I became nervous and gave them a hard look. That's what made me write this post as I should be doing home-work. I wanted to clarify to some people, that some kids don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's okay to be friends and wait on the mushy gushy stuff till marriage. I mean come on swapping spit? touching each other with your tongues? 0.o .... I'm not repulsed by this entirely. It's a way to show affection and love and intimacy, I'm not ready for that yet. Not yet, I just want to be friends. Get to know you, before anything happens. The world says "without your opposite half you're incomplete" Oh yeah? really? then I'm broken? NO! I just am waiting for my life to begin and enjoy my moments as teen. Also, I'm scared as shit! to grow up and not be in high school XD my "guy" friend is a Jr. and I'm a Sr. He's older than me? 0.o yeah what I thought. :3 anyway, I'm just being me for now. :)
Friday, December 14, 2012
Parents and boys
I have a guy friend, and this year we grew closer together as friends. Nothing huge and yet my parents still give a curfew and let me know that NO, I can't spend the night as his house >.>
I understand their reasoning and their rules. In fact! I respect them.
I just find it stupid because my parents were allowed to roam free, and hang out with their friends till late at night.
I'm just tired of them telling me no.
I want to hang out with my friend on New Year's Eve. Mom says that's up to dad, because my curfew has always been 10:30-11 depending on how generous my parents are.
I'm just annoyed that they did this stuff and won't let me. :( it's hypocritical and they are the "AUTHORITY" figures that I hastily listen too. Then listen to God through them. That's what my parents are. Also the bible says in Eph. 6:1-"Children obey your parents in The Lord, for this is right."
I know I need to submit and that they MIGHT know more than I.
I find it annoying that's all. "Do what I say and not as I do." Comes to mind :/
So Christmas. I need to go Christmas shopping badly or I won't make it and I'm trying so darn hard to get my stuff done and just it's too much. I don't handle stress well and if you can't tell, I'm stressed and annoyed which is not a great feeling. I work all day tomorrow still have to get a birthday present done and finals coming up.
I don't have college next semester... (Complicated story) instead I have a Lot of testing for school.
I have the S.A.T., ITED (homeschool), then I might have another two. One would be for advanced Biology and another one for something :3 that I don't remember :/
Sigh haven't ranted in a long time :/ anyway. I'll rant again some other time. Anyway thanks :)
I understand their reasoning and their rules. In fact! I respect them.
I just find it stupid because my parents were allowed to roam free, and hang out with their friends till late at night.
I'm just tired of them telling me no.
I want to hang out with my friend on New Year's Eve. Mom says that's up to dad, because my curfew has always been 10:30-11 depending on how generous my parents are.
I'm just annoyed that they did this stuff and won't let me. :( it's hypocritical and they are the "AUTHORITY" figures that I hastily listen too. Then listen to God through them. That's what my parents are. Also the bible says in Eph. 6:1-"Children obey your parents in The Lord, for this is right."
I know I need to submit and that they MIGHT know more than I.
I find it annoying that's all. "Do what I say and not as I do." Comes to mind :/
So Christmas. I need to go Christmas shopping badly or I won't make it and I'm trying so darn hard to get my stuff done and just it's too much. I don't handle stress well and if you can't tell, I'm stressed and annoyed which is not a great feeling. I work all day tomorrow still have to get a birthday present done and finals coming up.
I don't have college next semester... (Complicated story) instead I have a Lot of testing for school.
I have the S.A.T., ITED (homeschool), then I might have another two. One would be for advanced Biology and another one for something :3 that I don't remember :/
Sigh haven't ranted in a long time :/ anyway. I'll rant again some other time. Anyway thanks :)
Friday, November 02, 2012
Worst daughter ever
Apparently I made my mom stop her college classes because the stress of my math is too much for her to deal with at once. I'm not good at anything than being a burden and trouble a source where money is misused.
I shouldn't be doing my college in the last year of high school. Yes I might be ahead but, that's nothing! I can't do this anymore. I want to focus on my school here and now.
I will get through this flipping ride and through all the shizz that's thrown my way and go die. (Not literally)
I just hate struggling. I hate status quo/ or so im told/
Well I also hate hearing my parents say that I don't listen and I'm disrespectful. That I complain too much, that I happen to come in at the wrong time in a coversation. The simple things like that and being told, hey you need to do this and I'm going to tell you all your wrongs. These can hurt a person who is trying. I'm trying, my parents might not see that. That I'm wasn't planned for when my mom got pregnant. My siblings were all planned and I just happened to come along and ruin anything.
NO WONDER I used to cut.
It's a wonder I'm not dead yet.
I shouldn't be doing my college in the last year of high school. Yes I might be ahead but, that's nothing! I can't do this anymore. I want to focus on my school here and now.
I will get through this flipping ride and through all the shizz that's thrown my way and go die. (Not literally)
I just hate struggling. I hate status quo/ or so im told/
Well I also hate hearing my parents say that I don't listen and I'm disrespectful. That I complain too much, that I happen to come in at the wrong time in a coversation. The simple things like that and being told, hey you need to do this and I'm going to tell you all your wrongs. These can hurt a person who is trying. I'm trying, my parents might not see that. That I'm wasn't planned for when my mom got pregnant. My siblings were all planned and I just happened to come along and ruin anything.
NO WONDER I used to cut.
It's a wonder I'm not dead yet.
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