I'm lost.

 my stomach drops as I think he will not be mine. I have had to step back from my best friend and only because he needs to grow. I will miss him while he's in McCall (a resort on a lake) and just.
Why is everything spinning around my head. I have to keep my end of the bargain and I just can't stop thinking about him.
My head spins and my heart aches and my blood pounds and I just don't want to let him go! I'm so beside myself I don't know what to do.
I can't deny that I love him, because I do with all my heart and soul and mind and want him to be mine forever and a day. I want him to love me, and give me a life worth living. I can't imagine my life with out it. Only time will tell sadly, as I have stepped back. Because he needs to breathe and grow and develop and learn and roar in the world! I'm excited if I can stay by his side, I'm excited if I can still be a part of his life. I want to know him more. I want more in common but at the same time.
He's mine, he just is. I step back and feel heart broken and realize that I love him. I have for a while now. I know my feelings and my feelings make me feel stupid, but at least I have my head on straight. Because I know what I want and I know what I need.
He's literally my other half. while I'm rambunctious and hyper: he is calm and can make me calm down or even join in the fun of being silly. I want him so bad.
but I must step back.

WHY does the turmoil destroy and devour my heart?  why does it consume my thoughts constantly?
When all I can think of is him beside me and loving me, and I loving him and giving and blessing him?!
Why does heart break feel so lonely and underestimated? I want him now, but I know it's for best.
So my head argues back and forth on the subject when I already made a mature choice, But was it the right one? I'm scared that he'll find another girl. I'm scared he wont love me or come back.
better get out of the feelings I have and eliminate them from my life so I don't experience any hurt.
but I Love him I will always love him.
He's amazing and splendid and so indescribable he made me spin 180* he took my breath away and he absolutely blessed and saved me more than once! His eyes sparkle and let me see his soul. I learn more about him and get excited for him when things are going good and going his way.
He just swept me off my feet, with his little quirks or even his smile. His outstanding laugh and his sheepish and embarrassed smile and eyes. The way he blushes! It makes him, him. I can't deny my feelings and saying I love him. It's a wonderful realization but too late. He needs to grow. So here I am wallowing in self pity to know that he needs to grow and I get to be there to watch :)

So I feel my best friend is drifting away. It's hard to deal with. I want to talk and enjoy their company and shooting aliens (aka covenant from Halo) with them. Why is it so hard to deal with emotions I can't control?
I feel so depressed most of the time, and why? I have no clue. I feel alone and to the point I cant live on much longer like this. Then I'm reminded of the amazing talents and love of my family and friends and a best friend. I want to be able to have more, than what I have. Why cant my world just suddenly be fixed!?!
It's so hard that I've been crying every night, because I don't know what to do about me. I have the most difficult time trying to control my emotions. I try so hard and my efforts are in vain because they don't seem to work. I'll get agitated and depressed for no reason. :(

I want to be me again, and now i feel as if I can't ever be me. I just want to be happy and not scared and amazing and I still can't break out of my shell.

everything ive been through.

http://vimeo.com/51565514


have had an eating disorder,
have cut,
have been suicidal
have been pressured into things about money.
this is my struggle in every detail. except it's a repeat.

I screwed up

So My best friend, let's name him "nick" for right now.
I was in an odd funk last week because I was left alone. I felt so alone. And when I was alone a long time, the last time I was about 14 and that's when I was cutting and so a depression loop started.
Anyway, I had another depression loop, and I felt completely and utterly alone. Nick wasn't there to help because he needed "guy" time, and I can understand that. I know that guys need space.
But Tuesday I was at his house and I had some bottles that were empty so I walked down the stairs to see Nick's sister, *myrtle* As myrtle stood at the bottom of the stair case with her friend I proceeded to hand her the 4 bottles I held. Myrtle looked at me aghast and said, "These aren't mine," I proceeded to do nothing. Myrtle's and Nick's mom voiced her opinion and said, "No, you're right myrtle those are Nick's," Myrtle then proceeded to try and hand them back and I told her that she could put them in the recycle, yes? NO, big big no no.
I'm screwed because I didn't even realized how I was reacting. My friend Nick then proceeded to hate and loathe me because he though I did this intentionally. So between this mishap of my week and being lonely and just wanting someone to be there (Even my brothers and my mom and my dad) and after having no one to talk to, I was taking my frustration with Nick and then my parents out on Myrtle which in turned got me shunned and destroyed mentally and emotionally to the point where I have most likely ruined all ties with my friend and his family.  I love them so much I would take a bullet for them. But I'm the one stirring shit up and causing all the drama and baggage to be my main problem when my problem is me.
I'm stupid and arrogant, I don't know how to control the emotions I feel! So here I am doing crap I don't even know I'm doing and later (now in the present time I'm writing this) screwed up and am scrambling to find my bearings to apologize to ask forgiveness and to fix a friendship I ruined.
I feel heart broken and a complete let down myself as my heart crumbles away into a million scraps of mean sorrow hurtful lies. (I know I'm very dramatic)
How can I fathom or even interest you on how much I care for this family and my "best" friend?
When I hurt his sister and then He takes it personally?
I feel dead, nothing inside. How can I cause the people I care about pain?
Why do I have to feel that pain, that hurt that I inflicted with no intention.
Needless to say, most of it is straightened out. Most, remember.

then there is the question why I can't be in control of my damned emotions or why I can't be smart and sensible and shut up once in a while? or even the fact I was cleaning Nick's upstairs room when I'm not even a part of his house? (because I love them)

I just need to go figure things out. I need to tread lightly. It's three strikes you're out? I'm on 2.
One caused by my sister last summer saying to Myrtle, "Wow Myrtle you really do work"
My sister doesn't know anything about my personal friends' lives, and if she does it's very small. I will only tell her things now, knowing she will babble-- so that she doesn't offend anyone.
I took the blame for it, I went up to Katie all humbled because Courtney would have destroyed my friendship. I hurt so bad after that.
And now this. :(

I'm at the edge of uncertainty
As we're letting go of who we are
You might think you found a better place
Closed your heart, you're far too far

You must be mistaken
Probably confused
How can you not feel it
Just a phase you're going through
Just a space without me and you
*

I never knew just how close I was to nowhere
When I was so close, to you
I never knew just how close I was to nothing
When I was so lost, in you

*Down to nothing
  Down to nothing
  Close to nowhere
  Nothing

I like the lyrics to this song. :) just catchy :)
I like my iPod because the "notes" app is very helpful when I need to rant and don't want anyone to see it. :) Yes, I'm telling you but you don't have my iPod or my code to get in.... so :) yup.

I feel all wonderful and fuzzy inside

yep, I really do feel all wonderful and fuzzy inside >.> no, really I do. >.>
yeah been "that" type of week. I've been depressed and totally oblivious to what's going on. I don't know how to face crap and if anything happens I blame myself.

but lately I've been feeling let down. why? I have several ideas why.
1) I got back from DC and had a week to settle down and then sean and roland leave for a boy scout camp 6 days after I'm back. They're gone, and normally I'd be happy but I miss them a little much at the moment. So they're not here to make noise, so it's quiet.
2) I'm being left alone. (which is a horrrrrrrible idea)
Mom has school, dad has work and only plays his playstation games. Courtney's been working.
and I'm left to do nothing but mope and keep to myself because they all have a life and I don't.
3) my best friend hasn't been reaching out to contact me unless it's at two in the morning. Hello?! I'm sleeping! Granted, I still talk because I miss them that much. But the only way we talk before that is when I (ME) have to reach out to THEM. They don't contact me often, so it's making me feel left out..
Now, I know my best friend has a life and is trying to support a mutual friend in a hard times right now, and I encourage my friend to help the mutual friend. They need the support. So, I can't complain when I say "yeah, go it's no problem *insert best friend's name* You're fine and need to encourage *Mutual friend's name* I understand and grasp where you're coming from. So go help them. I'll be right here. Ttyl." and that's how it goes. :/ 
But maybe I'm pushing them to hard, in wanting to be my best friend, maybe I need to let up in what I say and do and how I'm around them. I don't know what else to do but think that I'm the problem and I'm the one causing trouble, and I don't know if I am or not. I'm just ughghgh Is it me or them or both of us? I just want answers but I'm afraid to ask incase I might scare my best friend away. :( 

anyway part of me feeling depleted of energy might be because I've been let down.
I have a friend and their parents were coming to pick me up at some point, they were about 1-2 hrs late to get me. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want them to take me back to their house to hang with a friend because I was let down. (so that made my mood worse) But I already forgive them... and I punish myself because they were harmless in the matter. 
Another friend contacted me about hanging out and then had to run errands so, I was left hanging again to wait another day in anticipation of a wonderful breakthrough from depression.

anyway, I find it difficult and just need to be around people. it's hard being alone. and if I move out, I need to have a lot of room-mates. HAHA

Washington trip 6-21-13

Today was nice.
I'm getting tired of eggs though, I think now I will not eat eggs for the rest of the year or something ;)
but today is my birthday and I'm now 18 :) it's nice but I don't feel any different. (no longer jail bait though ;)

Today we went to Mt Vernon :) George Washington's home. :) I was so excited for it! It's been my dream since 2nd grade to see his home. Anyway we had friends come up from Virginia (they drove three hours) and they used to live in Boise with us, then moved. Anyway they drove up and got us from the hotel and we enjoyed mount Vernon together :)

After we were there for a while and burning out (me anyway) we got lunch and after looking around his whole mansion which was just amazing... granted there was reconstruction going on around everything. :3 so it didn't feel like you stepped into history, but just the beautiful architecture

We enjoyed walking around the estate. :) it was pretty and there was an ongoing joke that we would get eaten by a bear if we went off trail. It was just enjoyable to spend time with friendly faces.
Another ongoing joke, is saying happy birthday or singing happy birthday to me all day at random moments. ;)
I think though, the most amazing part of the adventure at Mt. Vernon was the laying of the wreath on George Washington's grave. A director instructed two veterans to do the ceremony as another person read the prayer, out loud, that George Washington wrote himself. It was a powerful moment.
The two veterans looked like they were about in tears, because they were given a chance to do something so honnorable. It was neat and just heart-warming and breath-taking at the same time.

 Afterwards we went to the huntington station to go to union station because I was ripped off in a way.... :3 but not really.
I bought a pair of earings for courtney and they weren't in the hotel room or the bag that I bought them in. So we went downt to the store and talked with the manager, and was given a free pair.
I loved them sooo much for doing that.
:)

We went home and, that's when I got my back pack tied to me, in an infinity knot sort of way. I thought it was funny, and then I got it undone. :)

I also just facetimed my best friend :) I was very happy to see them (even if over internet ;)