God,
I feel like crying.
This has been a season of just crying tears or joy tears of desperation tears of self hate and most of all tears that fear to trust.
Please please please help me not be afraid to trust.
My trust is so broken and so frail and so sad and so small. I don't even have enough to make an once.
I'm so broken and you know i have a hard time trusting you and trusting people around me. That I have a hard time understanding my own emotions and every time my trust my tiny piece of trust is misused or broken in my own fault or by someone else. I hurt so bad. You heal and make all things new so I'm asking to give me trust and rise from ashes to become a trusting person.
It's so scary and I'm sure you know, you trusted even when you knew you'd be betrayed.
God, please help me trust.

Release

I want to hide and run away from you.
To stop texting you and to stop talking before I think.
God! Please comfort my breaking heart.
God please please please I beg you.
I'm not going to lose him am I?
we came this far and this long, but does he not want me anymore?
These things haunt my soul and weave themselves in the fabric
of my doubts.
what else can I change about me that would make him see, I want him?

Oh heart shut your eyes and brain your mouth. Be still and know that God
has it all. That God has this.
you have no control hands to claps what you don't understand.

This is a new season, it's not the end. Breathe lungs breathe!
Take in the clean air and love you taste.
It will be okay, as the earth and animals sing, God you've got this.

Unconditional Love

Conditional and Love cannot be used in the same sentence, at the same time or in the same place, thought or idea.
Conditional means with condition: subject to one or more conditions, or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.
Love means: an intense feeling of deep affection. You can't have an affectionate spirit and like something very much and have an exception.
The same way you can't love someone and have exceptions to why you care and like them.
You can like and love a person and they may or may not have some nasty habits that you don't agree with, that doesn't mean you love them less or hate them for it and that also doesn't mean you can put a price on your affections and love towards that person.
It's called unconditional love. Something Jesus Christ gave us as sinners when he died for our sins and for our souls.
Same thing should try to be applied to our relationships with others.
Being in a relationship now-a-days isn't easy. You always expect the other to "die" for you and do anything to bless you, when in reality it's not true. Relationships now-a-days can be one sided, and it's very hard. One side may have the job and money and the resources to pursue what they want, while the opposite team member is short ended in their search for work or money and piggy-back on you, even though that's not the other person's intent.
It is hard to be "unconditional" with love and very hard not to put limits and road blocks in your partners path. I had to learn this. My boyfriend was doing something that I'm not willing to put up with, a very unhealthy addiction and it would cause a giant impact on my health.
Where do I draw the line? I want to give him unconditional love and support, but I can't compromise my health for this "habit".
When is enough, enough? The answer, one I'm still searching for.
Only God can change a person and can change what they do and say and how their love for Christ is reflected through their actions and heart.
How do you kindly say enough, is enough. That you wont take much more of this because it will drive a wedge in between you two later down the road. I can see this happening. It will be a point that I have to fight for my relationship and not the addiction. Does that make sense?
This is something I feel strongly about and I try so hard not to put a road block in front of my boyfriend, but I'm tired of saying sure it's fine.
My life is out of hand, and I have no control, only God does. I want everything to be great and okay, and one day it will be. Right now it's not, so my unconditional love is very hard to come by these days.
It's hard, but not impossible.

The purpose.

I'm a CNA at a nursing home (not anymore, I switched jobs)
There was a male resident that is going down hill and looks like a monster appearance wise. I was working night shift last night and I had to sit with him, to make sure he slept. That he didn't crawl out of bed. He was very sad and last night he looked at me and said "Thank you" I asked, "What for?"
He said, "For giving me company."
That statement just was a dagger in the heart. I was very surprised. Has anyone in this facility ever taken time to treat him as a human?
I sat there for about an hr as he slowly became silent and still and soon dead. I held his hand and was able to be there and show him that hey, you're human and I'm human and I can love.
What destroyed me, I know he was a devout mormon.
He was shaking and convulsing like someone would if they were cold or terrified. I knew he was terrified and that he was seeing things in his mind. I just knew. I think he was having his come to Jesus moment. He died while shaking and holding my hand. It was so hard. Because I was silent, I knew if I brought up "religious" beliefs he wouldn't listen. But I didn't say anything so I have a guilt about my heart that I didn't stand up for the right and silent suffering he was experiencing.
I saw then that he was a human and he was a person who was loved and that I felt sorry for his soul. Appearances didn't matter anymore and he really showed that. It was his soul that God was after and I wish I could have given him a piece of God in his heart.
I also held death's hand. As this man died last night. I held his hand and he died. The end, no more.
He was gone and no one would see his smile with half of his dentures in. This was different. He wasn't dead in physical form, he was dead in spiritual.

Another thing from earlier today, I told my boyfriend that when I get married I want it to be about God. Imagine walking down the isle thinking to yourself. I'm marrying the piece of God in you.
That's what I'm marrying. That's what I want. I want that piece and my piece of God to be together and joined forever in God alone. That we (my future husband and I)  both stand as separate flames but as one together in Christ. Wouldn't that be cool? think of it. it is a life long dream of mine to marry a piece of God I don't have.

God Only Knows

God only knows what I feel and what stresses me out.
God only knows my heart.

This past weekend this escalated between family. To the point you don't want to be near anyone or anything. You feel irritated in your own skin to be in their presence. Anxious around them, yeah. Feel like I don't ever want to talk to them again, of course. That will help nothing. Just hold your tongue and keep your heart free of pain by becoming numb.
In relationship to that feeling of being quiet, I'm quiet in my immediate family. I feel like I'm letting my family down. That I'm hurting my family by not being here. Or that I am too overbearing to my family as my older sibling is. So what do I do?
DO I find a place to be on my own? Do I just stay out of my family's hair. Do they miss me that much?
Am I causing to much trouble or strain?
These things wrack my brain and keep me up at night. Do I honestly help or do I hurt their situation?
God only knows what I want.
So what am I to do or even better what is God going to do with me.

So many questions with no answers.

I think I'm numb to a lot and want to go and clear my head. but no matter how hard any of us try problems will follow us, even into our dreams.

My Family Is Labeled

My family is labeled.
Most people will point fingers and give a social role, that my family does not fit into.
My family is strong and powerful and amazing. We are firm in Christ and that is the label that will stay with my family.
Due to recent events that might change. Words and rumors will be said and spread among our social circle and other people that we do not know.
MY parents have done everything and more for me. WE are a typical home-school family with a lot going on. My parents learned and conquered more than you can imagine and coming out of the life they did and raising me and my siblings. They are amazing and it hurts to think of them being labeled because of recent events.
My parents didn't screw up.
One of my siblings has screwed up and because of that screw up, it effects the family unit. Now, our social image will be corrupted. Should I be so worried about that?

I would think so. This Social label will be stuck with my parents and my siblings and me.
With my sibling doing what they did. I feel like I want to give up and disown them. I want nothing to do with them because I am so hurt. I betray my sibling to keep my social image and disclosure confidential. I don't want people knowing this label. I don't want people viewing me differently because of what has happened. I want them to know I love them and I am God's side and nothing can change that.

But what to do? I'm so distraught and conflicted. Nothing seems right anymore, and this is hard.
I wont disown or shame my sibling, I wont hide them. I will not tell what's gone on. I will make up more excuses to protect them. If it's the least I can do, let me do it and hopefully God willing my heart will be okay with this decision.

I don't want this label, yet it is brought to my family and we will not accept it. We will not let it effect us drastically. We will survive and live on to God's calling and love for our lives as a family and a unit.

I am so scared, but he's here with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSFH6_IiOlw

Gluten intolerance, or Picky eating?

There is a thing known as Gluten Intolerance, but it is a rarity.
With gluten free and intolerance, you tend to make yourself worse in the effort to get better and you think you are doing yourself a favor in the long run, when in fact you are hurting yourself more.

I'm wondering if for me, hiding behind Gluten intolerance was and is a way to be in control of my food, because I love food.
I do enjoy food way too much and freak out when I eat to much. So by restricting what I can and cannot have makes it easier to live and not be in a sense "mentally fat". I am always conscience of my figure and how I am perceived.
I always wonder though, if I started to claim this "intolerance" is a way for me to hold onto what else I have left of unhealthy eating habits. NOT to be associated with bad and over consumption and junk food eating habits. But unhealthy in the sense of controlling what you eat for the wrong reason.

I have had this wall broke down by my boyfriend. I am starting to eat wheat again and am enjoying it. But at the same time as the wall broke down, I have found myself not as mentally capable to stop snacking and over eating. That I tend to eat way!!!! more than I should and have found myself to weigh ten more pounds than my last weight which was around 140.
I'm worried about ending up fat and mentally fat. I'm scared that if i don't start things now to being mentally competent in my food choices, again that I will end up like most of my extended family, obese and having a lot of medical problems.

The thing is. I don't want to be over weight, i don't want to be fat. I am so afraid of being fat and ending up with another Eating Disorder in efforts to control my weight yet again.
My fear? My mom and dad will tell me i can't exercise, they will tell me that they are watching me relentlessly. That them saying that will make me more upset and more conscience of what I look like.
I know that's misconstruing the point, all in all though it is how I think.

I am afraid to work out because mom will comment and tell me, "I'm worried about you" Yes, I appreciate that. Yes, I love her concern. It's not something I exactly want to know when I'm trying to lose weight to make myself healthy because then it feels like my efforts are for a hidden reason, when in fact they are not.

My mom tells me i'm beautiful and amazing. I can see it. :) I do love her, just she doesn't know how much I weigh and how much I don't want to weigh that number.

She posts things on my Face- Book that make me want to go "MOM! that's not it! I'm overweight and I'm afraid I'm out of control and that I'll do nothing but eat myself to death."
Yes, it's a stupid fear to a "normal" person. But if anyone has ever notice and said it, there is no normal.


SO what, I want to workout the days I don't have work. I want to work out and watch what I eat.
It's not obsessive to the point where I'm anorexic or bulimic. This is something I want to do without having my mom go you're fine the way you are.

And maybe i know if i opened up to her about this I might get her support. But at the same time, I might get her criticism of being "skinny" and beautiful.

So back to my topic at hand. Maybe this gluten thing, is the last thing I need to get rid of to start towards being me, with my eating habits.