Very lost

I'm very lost when it comes down to the time bomb exploding- all my friends are either married or married and I feel I'm standing alone. 

Even my sister is getting married, she's engaged. 

None of this is expected, and I'm very tired and lost in the crowd .

Yes a wedding and being married and engagement and all those fantasies that float in my head are spectacular ! 

However; I am scared I get caught in the crowd and excitement. Which has happened before. (Many times) 

I need me and God closer and I need time to change my bad mistakes. I don't want to be perfect before I get married, far from it. I want to know I'm doing the right thing in Gods eyes. And it's evident I need to focus on that. As hard as it is, and as much as I hate waiting and being patient; it will be the better choice. 

Again as much as I hate it, it will be the better choice. 

It's okay to be different

Where do I start?
Main stream media is always telling us to be individual which then becomes the normal and makes us question what is normal.
Normal is a range of many things in a line from point A to point B.
Normal is whatever you make it to be.
The whole point of this "break free of normal" movement has been clarified in my own life, as stop being the one to chain yourself up and follow the river and where it goes.

There are so many things that are main stream. To jump on the bandwagon. To go with the flow, per say.
I can say now, that this was a bad decision. I didn't honestly make this "decision" to jump on the bandwagon, instead I started being persuaded into liking the bandwagon way of doing things and that was my breaking point.
What am I talking about so distantly? I'm talking about my love story and my sister's love story.
This is a weird, touchy and hard subject for me.
I now know, that my love story is created by God. That every day is a lesson and a blessing and it's all God. All I ever wanted in a relationship was God, me, and my future man.
ALL I wanted. I have that !!! I am so ecstatically happy of pure joy that I get the best relationship in the world; with me and my man searching, praying, listening, and living in God.
This is heaven on earth, right here. Right now.

This brings up the subject again of jumping on the bandwagon with my sister's newly found engagement.
There are somethings I'm a big fan of, like engagements. This one is different, she's known the guy a week and that makes no sense to me.
Either it doesn't make sense because I have been a steady relationship with my man for a year now (in a couple days we will be together for a year) or it doesn't make sense because it doesn't seem like it was a "God" thing, like my sister says it is.

Getting married or engaged fast and quickly is very off putting in my opinion. I feel you don't get the understanding of knowing your friend, the one person you're choosing to spend the rest of your life with. The one person that you commit to for the rest of your life and don't let go of. Because you believe in them, you want to be with them, and they fill you, constantly blessing you in simple ways.

This is the bandwagon effect I'm talking about. For a small while, I was on this bandwagon and wanting to get married quickly and fast, just to say that I could be married and be grown up.
There is nothing worst than rushing something that isn't going to happen yet. These people that are getting married within two days or months of being together or liking each other, I find impossible! People don't seem to be blessed or given an understanding that everything my man and I have gone through in the last year will be in their marriage. That a relationship is hard work and the first few years you need to work out the kinks.

I also understand some people are compatible and that they are able to get along well. (so are my man and I.) But that fast to get married and that fast to be engaged without knowing what they are getting into seems so far beyond me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I'm not sure what to think. Honestly, I really don't.

I'm happy for all of the women and men getting married to their best friend. Congrats! :D

I think it would be wise, to learn a person and learn where God is in your relationship before you jump on the bandwagon.

I have a beautiful love story and I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know how amazing it is.
Thanks to God for the hit upside the head. He gave me the recognition of true "eyes open" in this situation. :) Thank you God.

Love stories

We always dream of having a fairy tail life and beginning and love story, when if fact nothing is set. Nothing says you must have this!! 

No, this is the part of life when you have to make your own love story and not deal or meddle in the love affair of others. 

I can name several friends my age, that are getting married. All people who I'm graduated with. Yet, I'm here still in the girlfriend zone, waiting to be engaged. Waiting to move on past this point. 

Let me remind you and myself, that God has a reason and a purpose of where he has placed me in this point in my life. No need to rush. Only God has control over that. God writes your love story, the more you let him write it, the more beautiful it will be. 

family

My family matters the most to me, in difficult times and in normal times.
right now my family is apart, and even though I don't show it a lot: I'm torn inside. There is a void and a hard obnoxious cry in my mind. I shut it out, and I feel like I make life more difficult for me to feel my feelings because I'm afraid of crying and being exposed. All I can feel now is emptiness and that's the worst feeling to feel near Christmas when it's about God and family. I can't fathom my sister being gone this Christmas, and not even allowed to visit. Can't come by, I have to go to her and I have to meet her when and where she can meet.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. I am so angry sometimes it really gets me worked up and I can't calm down for a long while. It overflows into my love life and into my family life.
I'm still at home and I am still with family, I am still progressing into my career that I want. I'm striving forward, and it feels so weird not having my sister there besides me.
She's gone away. She's my best friend and I don't want to keep having to do this!
I know it's sooooooo selfish >.> *aka people who think this need to step into my shoes*
I want my best friends for Christmas. My mom, my boyfriend, and my beloved missed sister.
I'm feeling empty and sad, and I need to buck up. But at the same point I wont want anyone to know. That's why I write. That's how I breathe sometimes. Just want things to be normal. My normal is missing and I'm frantically freaking out trying to find a balance in the storm. It doesn't seem that I will ever find it.

when to not speak

Don't speak if what you are going to say will hurt someone.
Don't speak if you know it's going to rock the boat.

my boyfriend slipped up on an addiction and he turned to my sister, whom suffers from the same addiction. I knew something was up and my sister called me recently to tell me, hey this is whats going on and oh and your boyfriend keeps texting me and told me he slipped up.

I'm devastated first of all, that he slipped up again and it hurts. But I will forgive him like many times before. (no I'm not letting him trample over me.)
second that he couldn't turn to me, but I understand and fully accept why and how come.

I do love him, but you have to chose when not to speak about things. I will not mention this, and this will be a heavy burden to bare. I will be hurt for a little, and trying to keep myself up beat and able to focus on the positive.

positive he reached out and asked my sister for prayer which is amazing. But at the same time my sister and him have a past and it makes me wonder if this past will spring forth.
my sister made my boyfriend fall and he made her fall too. what they did was wrong but its the past. It's there, it's gone, it's done. I'm done with it.

I'm going to go pray and cry and read my bible now.

to young?

to young to soon? yes to young to soon to marry. All I've had on my mind lately is how I'm not a good enough person and yet alone a good enough daughter or girlfriend to even be living.
I'm jealous of a lot because I wish it was me.
Getting caught up in the future and what I don't have I need to realize what I do have and what I need and want.

What I need?
Basic needs, emotional needs, God, and my family around me.

what I have?
Work, school, a future, family, and a boy friend I don't deserve, a car, and a heart.

What I want will come, I know that. But it will come in the time God provides. 

It will come when I'm ready and when life continues to go on.

Thinking of all this, I know I'm human and I see oh my word that person has what I want and I am so lucky that God and the holy spirit calmed my envious side down to a calm and undetectable level.
I love that.
I have the best life out of my family, or so I would to think.
I'm blessed with the fortunes and gifts I have now. For that I am grateful.
I have a future ahead of me, and I'm looking forward to it. To the achievements and to the hope that God brings the next morning.
I'm at peace now. But that surge of envy scared me and then to have a mental attitude of positive and selflessness. That is a God send. That is amazing and I'm blessed. I hope one day that I can instill this in my children in the future. 

Thank you God for opening the eyes of my heart. For letting me see you and everything you do in my life and I pray that I continues to see all the good in the world and the hope you bring.

I'm great where I am at :) 

God,
I feel like crying.
This has been a season of just crying tears or joy tears of desperation tears of self hate and most of all tears that fear to trust.
Please please please help me not be afraid to trust.
My trust is so broken and so frail and so sad and so small. I don't even have enough to make an once.
I'm so broken and you know i have a hard time trusting you and trusting people around me. That I have a hard time understanding my own emotions and every time my trust my tiny piece of trust is misused or broken in my own fault or by someone else. I hurt so bad. You heal and make all things new so I'm asking to give me trust and rise from ashes to become a trusting person.
It's so scary and I'm sure you know, you trusted even when you knew you'd be betrayed.
God, please help me trust.