2011 endings.

I know Christmas time is here, the decorations, the family get together(s), laughing, giving presents.
I have seen the opposite side of things. I have seen the family become upset over one person saying something rude to another.
I have been in those situations. I have been the cause of some disputes in my family. In other words, 'the trouble maker'
I've been yelled at, punished and told that everything that just happened is my fault and I'm supposed to be the better person. It's amazing how many family members can tell you that it's your fault. Sometime it is, other times it is completely futile to argue your definitive point that it wasn't your fault.
I have had a few Christmas experiences that weren't so pleasant. Then the rest of the year is supposed to be okay-dokey for that one person. For, me.

Anyway, onto today's rant. Brothers.
whoooooopee! *note the sarcasm* My little brother out of the two, is so full of it. He busts out for no reason, wears is heart think for him before he reacts to anything. He blows up at the slightest touch. I have truthfully held a grudge against him, for a while. I think that grudge is my parents not punishing him; like they punished me when I was younger. My little brother has not been taught manners. He is so stupid!

Today, yes this will sound petty in my potion, he took a cookie. As my mom and I watched him, asked him nicely. 'hey, not till after dinner.' please. The catch, he agreed not to have a cookie, till after dinner. This, he deliberately did in front of us. He bit into the cookie, and I became unglued. I went over and hit him. I sound like a child. Because I still am one. I will have to figure out how not to become a child. Any-who. I hit him and he became unglued. "YOU SEE MOM THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH! EVERY TIME THAT YOU LEAVE, SHE BEATS ME AND TELLS ME I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING. I AM WORTHLESS!" his eyes watered with tears as he proceeded upstairs. I followed after being warned by my mom that I don't touch my siblings in any way. I understood and went upstairs to my room.

I want to clear somethings up:
1) I don't what so EVER hit my brother when my mom is not there, even if she is, except for this time.
  2) He seriously needs to think his own mouth and heart over because, in my book he is a sinner that *cue cheerful voice* I love very much *get rid of cheerful voice*
3) I am in the wrong and he is in the right and yada-yada
4) I only get mad at him, because he thinks he is higher than all and he has to prove it, by emancipating his emotions and is a big bully. (that has even hurt me, with mocking, with lies, the double bladed tongue, with swearing on my name, he becomes all ego like. I hope he just realizes that I'm not the big bad wolf and I hate being in fairy-tales) He has started over half of the fights in the house, just to say no you can't do that.
Common response from him. I say, "(insert name) knock it off dude you're not dad." he come back all girly like voice and replies, "Why don't you. You're not mom."
I shut up after that because I want to strangle him. I know if I continue he will be all hurt and kill mode, (which he has also done to me.) So as I shut up, he feels the high and almighty crap that his head is filled with. I am silent because I try to stop. This repeats several times throughout the day. Even when I remind him we are not allowed on the computer during school (home school) he is still "Shut up, you're not mom." and continues to disobey my mom and dad's rules. And when I say SEVERAL times I mean more than you can think MULTIPLE TIMES!

Now people might wonder why I was going to my room, when my(sister's and my) room is next to his (his and other brother's) Well because I needed to cry. You see, I think that my parents parented me well. I believe that they tried to enforce rules so I would understand. Sadly they stopped. They stopped at my first little brother. My brothers have been lead by the hand through everything. When I was told, "here you go, enjoy." instead of having the experience, of mom and dad near me helping. They helped when I was younger. Now, they just don't come over and say, "hey, want help?" they don't come to me. I HAVE TO go to them. They might notice but, not really bringing attention to it.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent. Anyway I came upstairs and cried. I was ready to cry a few more times, when I thought about it after calming down. I believe that I cry after I hurt somebody, is because I (a) didn't intentionally want to hurt them. (b) I let myself become vulnerable to many lies and undertakings. (c) because I know I am in trouble by God. I wasn't supposed to do that. So I just truthfully hurt myself and God by hurting my brother. (d) then my physical dad. But, my dad probably thinks I am old enough to decide right from wrong. Take control of my actions and be able to think on my toes in a moments notice; like Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise ship of crazy no-brained-people where the guy in the red shirt always dies. No a chance on your life will that ever happen. I think ahead when I am clam. Not when I am angry. Maybe that's my fault in life. I get too angry and upset at everything around me that I push someone around to feel better.

So, I just ate dinner and came back up here to finish this up.
I don't know what else to talk about.

I know this though and several things I thought about:
1) My parents, are my parents, and technically my care taker's that help me learn who my father is. More-or-less I'm an orphan and waiting till I have a reunion with my dad up in heaven. (which I thought was cool and odd.)
2) When Christmas comes around, it is supposed to represent the birth of Jesus, giving gifts is part of what the three kings did to Jesus. So, why don't we give to Jesus if it is HIS celebration?
3) Imagine this, everyone is a chocolate chip and there is this chef whom is making chocolate chip cookies. He makes the dough with the right measurements and then forms the cookie dough ball to cook. The ball of dough is your world. How ever many chocolate chips are in your cookie, is how many people you have in your life. When you go into the oven- that is your life span- you are cooked and then finished. How many people did you leave your mark on? How many people did you tell about Jesus? the list goes on and far. [God has used cookie dough many a times to teach me with my spiritual growth. I think it's funny]

Any way. I think my depression is just about over. My rants are just about done. Wait.... nope.... um....okay..... honestly they are done.
I do have to say, though I am grateful so much, even if I don't say it. I have a lovely family, happy home. Everything that I need. Sometimes pressure just gets to me and I don't deal well. (Time to talk to God.)

My last thought to you is to seriously don't hit your brother. It continues with all these different strings attached, that tangle you up and take you out of your walk with God for a little.