What do you do if you hurt?
What do you do if you cry?
Do you hide it all inside?
Do you tear the pain away at your skin,
bruised and cut destroying your soul within.
The pain he cause the problem he made, the hurt he inflicted destroying your self esteem!
The man card always played, the wrong i suffered in broad day.
Why can't I think, why can't i breathe? why does it feel that he's still destroying me?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to say, God please take my pain away. Give me peace that I'll never understand. A hope to walk your plan for my life.
I'll sit here rock myself back and forth knowing the past is the past, not my future. I'll sit here holding back tears to keep from screaming and crying and being scared.
I'll hold your hand, just please hold and heal my heart, Father God.
A lot of things happen, in the midst of the storm God sends an angel.
God sent me my boyfriend Dakotah, Dakotah taught me and is still teaching me, I'm a woman. I am to be treated and spoiled and loved and yearned for as a woman. Not an object.
He has captured my heart, like God has.
They both are the loves and hope for my heart and soul.
If many of you know me, I have been hard and wrong on myself. I've hurt and died inside before. I don't want that, but how do you keep that the past when you talk about it?
Anyone ever wonder why I'm so hard on myself, because I feel like I'm wrong and bad and it's bad and wrong and all my fault for what happened in my past, and what I did.
So God hold and heal my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">
Monday, April 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
what's been bothering me lately
what's been bothering me
So lately I've had major life changes. I have a new job as a CNA (certified nursing assistant)
I have a new car, that I am currently working towards to pay off.
I have school - prerequisites for RN applications to many schools.
and I have a boyfriend. One currently not the one past talked about.
His name is Dakotah :) and he a wonderful guy, part of the reason I feel odd in our relationship. I don't feel I deserve him and it kills me to think; God gave me him and this blessing and I'm shoving it away and that's not what I want. SO in conclusion to that, I am trying my hardest as of now to not lose him. In the midst of all these wonderful gifts I feel as if I am being stripped of my identity in Christ and it hurts because I've let go and that's not what I wanted. I just prayed this morning as everyone was pissed and overwhelmed for stressful reasons. This morning I asked God to help me identify what was wrong to help take away my bad attitude and not direct it at anyone or specific person.
This afternoon on the drive home from school, God blessed me by telling it was my identity in him that I was loosing and causing these problems. I feel lost in a bountiful blessing.
It's a very weird feeling having things you want and have been patient for and to have it download into your brain and spirit before you can think it through.
It's too much too fast.
But I will be able to get through this with God's help and direction. He's got this.
That's what I know. My identity in Christ -
I am a child of the one true King!
I am his daughter blessed with grace and mercy.
I am his child and future to his kingdom.
He is my father and I am his adopted daughter.
I am here on his behalf and to spread his love and grace and hope to many.
That is who I am.
Now, I blew up at my family all day from being stressed over a test and losing myself. I think it may be best to not talk to them the rest of the night in fear of hurting their feelings anymore.
I'm not high and mighty, even if that's the persona I give off. I'm not trying to show that. I want them to know I'm sorry but how do I do that? on the contrary I am the lowly of low and I feel really bad today.
So maybe it might be best to keep to myself and ignore them and hurt them more just so I don't blow up at them.
This is also the reaction I get from not being home enough and it destroys me.
I'm not home about 4-5 days a week and the family seems to have issues working together when someone is gone (someone is me, mom, and dad)
So *sigh* this another day there are more days. and I have God on my side.
not all is as it seems.
So God, I pray please keep me from hurting my family with my attitude and to help me amend what damage has been done with my word.
Please help me with my identity in you Father God. That I would constantly seek you and your glory, that I might be filled with your Holy Spirit and give freely to those who are in need of your grace.
God I ask you to take the problems I'm facing and turn it into something you can use in my life testimony.
Please God I ask you to help me and everyone around me.
I ask also that my boyfriend wouldn't get the brunt of this, as he is being there for me. Father I don't deserve such a respected man and heart in my life. I ask you to help this relationship stay alive through you and in your eyes an amazing relationship.
I thank you for waking me up today and giving me life.
For giving me things to complain about. For saving me and giving me a second chance.
Father you are the alpha and omega. You are magnificent.
I pray and ask these things and answers to my questions in your name and your son, Jesus Christ. Amen
So lately I've had major life changes. I have a new job as a CNA (certified nursing assistant)
I have a new car, that I am currently working towards to pay off.
I have school - prerequisites for RN applications to many schools.
and I have a boyfriend. One currently not the one past talked about.
His name is Dakotah :) and he a wonderful guy, part of the reason I feel odd in our relationship. I don't feel I deserve him and it kills me to think; God gave me him and this blessing and I'm shoving it away and that's not what I want. SO in conclusion to that, I am trying my hardest as of now to not lose him. In the midst of all these wonderful gifts I feel as if I am being stripped of my identity in Christ and it hurts because I've let go and that's not what I wanted. I just prayed this morning as everyone was pissed and overwhelmed for stressful reasons. This morning I asked God to help me identify what was wrong to help take away my bad attitude and not direct it at anyone or specific person.
This afternoon on the drive home from school, God blessed me by telling it was my identity in him that I was loosing and causing these problems. I feel lost in a bountiful blessing.
It's a very weird feeling having things you want and have been patient for and to have it download into your brain and spirit before you can think it through.
It's too much too fast.
But I will be able to get through this with God's help and direction. He's got this.
That's what I know. My identity in Christ -
I am a child of the one true King!
I am his daughter blessed with grace and mercy.
I am his child and future to his kingdom.
He is my father and I am his adopted daughter.
I am here on his behalf and to spread his love and grace and hope to many.
That is who I am.
Now, I blew up at my family all day from being stressed over a test and losing myself. I think it may be best to not talk to them the rest of the night in fear of hurting their feelings anymore.
I'm not high and mighty, even if that's the persona I give off. I'm not trying to show that. I want them to know I'm sorry but how do I do that? on the contrary I am the lowly of low and I feel really bad today.
So maybe it might be best to keep to myself and ignore them and hurt them more just so I don't blow up at them.
This is also the reaction I get from not being home enough and it destroys me.
I'm not home about 4-5 days a week and the family seems to have issues working together when someone is gone (someone is me, mom, and dad)
So *sigh* this another day there are more days. and I have God on my side.
not all is as it seems.
So God, I pray please keep me from hurting my family with my attitude and to help me amend what damage has been done with my word.
Please help me with my identity in you Father God. That I would constantly seek you and your glory, that I might be filled with your Holy Spirit and give freely to those who are in need of your grace.
God I ask you to take the problems I'm facing and turn it into something you can use in my life testimony.
Please God I ask you to help me and everyone around me.
I ask also that my boyfriend wouldn't get the brunt of this, as he is being there for me. Father I don't deserve such a respected man and heart in my life. I ask you to help this relationship stay alive through you and in your eyes an amazing relationship.
I thank you for waking me up today and giving me life.
For giving me things to complain about. For saving me and giving me a second chance.
Father you are the alpha and omega. You are magnificent.
I pray and ask these things and answers to my questions in your name and your son, Jesus Christ. Amen
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
a new appreciation
A new found and lovely appreciation for parents.
Parents sign up with every child they have about 20 years of servitude.
They go through cleaning and changing you. Clothing you and helping you sleep.
Teaching you simple things at 2 and 3
Learning to play nicely with other kids.
Teaching you boys have cooties.
Helping you with math homework.
Teaching you to never give up.
Keeping you on track with your goals and dreams and aspirations.
Teaching you that life is unfair.
Letting you grow up and learn on your own.
Letting you go camping with your neighbor for a weekend away from home.
Paying so much money for you to do things and heal you from your injuries.
Finally to the point where you are almost your own person and are dealing with drama and boys, and best friends, and jealousy.
Them being able to be your best friends and help you understand that you need certain criticism, and the fact you can take this criticism makes you stronger.
I can appreciate a lot more. :)
I can tell them anything!
*lightbulb* I can tell them anything ^_^
I'm very appreciative with my family and for putting up with me and my antics. As I am a girl and will never decide fully what I want.
Parents sign up with every child they have about 20 years of servitude.
They go through cleaning and changing you. Clothing you and helping you sleep.
Teaching you simple things at 2 and 3
Learning to play nicely with other kids.
Teaching you boys have cooties.
Helping you with math homework.
Teaching you to never give up.
Keeping you on track with your goals and dreams and aspirations.
Teaching you that life is unfair.
Letting you grow up and learn on your own.
Letting you go camping with your neighbor for a weekend away from home.
Paying so much money for you to do things and heal you from your injuries.
Finally to the point where you are almost your own person and are dealing with drama and boys, and best friends, and jealousy.
Them being able to be your best friends and help you understand that you need certain criticism, and the fact you can take this criticism makes you stronger.
I can appreciate a lot more. :)
I can tell them anything!
*lightbulb* I can tell them anything ^_^
I'm very appreciative with my family and for putting up with me and my antics. As I am a girl and will never decide fully what I want.
Friday, December 20, 2013
more life
Life continues as always.
I just didn't know going through so much shock and adjusting in any stress related environment would cause more stress. You get stress from shock, that plays on the stress from the event, and that all plays on the stress of absolute changes that you can't control. Stress is known as an outside source that pushes or move a stable grounded object.
We as humans are the grounded object and then the stressor comes and knocks us out of the ground.
I love my family and what's been happening recently with my sister's health has knocked us all out of the ground as a family. It is very hard to deal with the stress in a large quantity.
I am getting stressed. My sister is manic, which isn't a bad thing after coming back from the hospital. I'm jsut getting overwhelmed. I'm glad I have school and work to focus on, but as she sits in our room, I'm with her and I need to watch out for her. I don't notice when she has episodes or black out session from her condition. So I have a little pressure on me. Just because I want to watch out for her.
But another thing, my mom is getting stressed too, and that's causing a few out bursts of me blowing up because she is exhibiting and sending out flustered and stressed signals.
the moral, stress on top of stress about stress does not collide with stress. Period; at all.
This is a little annoying. Plus I just had an occurrence where my sister wanted to "play roughhouse" but she doesn't know how to, with out it being somewhat intimate. She tried biting my neck and grabbing my chest. She is also 80 lbs heavier than me and it's hard when she is crushing my hips into the floor to get her to listen and get off of me. She has a boy friend for that stuff. Now, if we were goofing off I would love it. Tickle fights and enjoying each other's company. But she is heavy and manic so it's hard to play around with her, like we have in the past. I just need her to understand the limits. My dad finally came up and got my sister to get off me.
So with everything that has happened in the last three months, being the equivalent of three months condensed down into a short time frame; the stress has been x3 and difficult to manage but not prolonged.
School is nuts, one month left of my condensed CNA course. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Anxious for all the test again, sure.
But more anxious I might be in limbo from goals. I like goals and I need them. They help me focus, I don't need to go off the deep end again. It's scary and I'm not sure what to do.
I'll figure it out as I always do ;) I know what I'm doing with my life because of God. HE is in control.
Need to recognize that more often.
But I'm excited school's almost done,
my not a boy friend would like to talk with my parents but I doubt they need more emotional stress on them with my sister's situation and her boy friend, and my sister's mood swings.
So I feel just a little held back. I know that's to be expected in a family, but when it's demanding and controlling to the point I'm fighting back and being drafted into the things or errands I don't want to deal with then it's a problem. I'm not saying I'm having trouble, but my sister is demanding things: parent's are busy tomorrow and I want to visit my boyfriend but I can't drive (medical condition prevents it atm), So you have to take me.
You know, I have a life and you fit in it but you don't control it.
Please understand I have the best intentions to love you and help you because you are my family, but I am me, and I will not let you control it.
I will also not let my mind control me and my fears. I have to master them and face anything I am scared and confused about head on. I found that out in the last few weeks. Because my parents are great role models, and lead by example. I know with God I can do that. I can face anything head on.
So I'm nipping this in the butt. God has control of me, but I wont let you ruin and run my life.
I just didn't know going through so much shock and adjusting in any stress related environment would cause more stress. You get stress from shock, that plays on the stress from the event, and that all plays on the stress of absolute changes that you can't control. Stress is known as an outside source that pushes or move a stable grounded object.
We as humans are the grounded object and then the stressor comes and knocks us out of the ground.
I love my family and what's been happening recently with my sister's health has knocked us all out of the ground as a family. It is very hard to deal with the stress in a large quantity.
I am getting stressed. My sister is manic, which isn't a bad thing after coming back from the hospital. I'm jsut getting overwhelmed. I'm glad I have school and work to focus on, but as she sits in our room, I'm with her and I need to watch out for her. I don't notice when she has episodes or black out session from her condition. So I have a little pressure on me. Just because I want to watch out for her.
But another thing, my mom is getting stressed too, and that's causing a few out bursts of me blowing up because she is exhibiting and sending out flustered and stressed signals.
the moral, stress on top of stress about stress does not collide with stress. Period; at all.
This is a little annoying. Plus I just had an occurrence where my sister wanted to "play roughhouse" but she doesn't know how to, with out it being somewhat intimate. She tried biting my neck and grabbing my chest. She is also 80 lbs heavier than me and it's hard when she is crushing my hips into the floor to get her to listen and get off of me. She has a boy friend for that stuff. Now, if we were goofing off I would love it. Tickle fights and enjoying each other's company. But she is heavy and manic so it's hard to play around with her, like we have in the past. I just need her to understand the limits. My dad finally came up and got my sister to get off me.
So with everything that has happened in the last three months, being the equivalent of three months condensed down into a short time frame; the stress has been x3 and difficult to manage but not prolonged.
School is nuts, one month left of my condensed CNA course. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Anxious for all the test again, sure.
But more anxious I might be in limbo from goals. I like goals and I need them. They help me focus, I don't need to go off the deep end again. It's scary and I'm not sure what to do.
I'll figure it out as I always do ;) I know what I'm doing with my life because of God. HE is in control.
Need to recognize that more often.
But I'm excited school's almost done,
my not a boy friend would like to talk with my parents but I doubt they need more emotional stress on them with my sister's situation and her boy friend, and my sister's mood swings.
So I feel just a little held back. I know that's to be expected in a family, but when it's demanding and controlling to the point I'm fighting back and being drafted into the things or errands I don't want to deal with then it's a problem. I'm not saying I'm having trouble, but my sister is demanding things: parent's are busy tomorrow and I want to visit my boyfriend but I can't drive (medical condition prevents it atm), So you have to take me.
You know, I have a life and you fit in it but you don't control it.
Please understand I have the best intentions to love you and help you because you are my family, but I am me, and I will not let you control it.
I will also not let my mind control me and my fears. I have to master them and face anything I am scared and confused about head on. I found that out in the last few weeks. Because my parents are great role models, and lead by example. I know with God I can do that. I can face anything head on.
So I'm nipping this in the butt. God has control of me, but I wont let you ruin and run my life.
little alone
I feel a little alone.
My best friend's Sister is home for the holidays and then a friend is in NY and then another best friend going to Paris after new year's. :3
So ehhh.... little alone XD and it sucks :/
I have God and my family :) which is a bless and amazing that my dad is home for Christmas (he was supposed to work) and mom is home and I'm happy about that :)
but no idea what to do :/
I had a job interview a while ago.... hoping that I get the CAP2 position at a hospital that I applied for. I'm anxious to hear back, I'm applying at other places as well and waiting for an answer :)
God has a lot of control over my life. I have so much praise for him for bringing him me this far, for blessing me. It is a miracle that I am this far.
So God is my rock and my foundation :)
He's amazing! :)
still at the same time physically with friends I wish I could talk with them at the moment. :) but I can't and can only pray for them and think of them.
Granted I wont let this emotion bring me down. It's difficult but it's simple to overcome. :)
My best friend's Sister is home for the holidays and then a friend is in NY and then another best friend going to Paris after new year's. :3
So ehhh.... little alone XD and it sucks :/
I have God and my family :) which is a bless and amazing that my dad is home for Christmas (he was supposed to work) and mom is home and I'm happy about that :)
but no idea what to do :/
I had a job interview a while ago.... hoping that I get the CAP2 position at a hospital that I applied for. I'm anxious to hear back, I'm applying at other places as well and waiting for an answer :)
God has a lot of control over my life. I have so much praise for him for bringing him me this far, for blessing me. It is a miracle that I am this far.
So God is my rock and my foundation :)
He's amazing! :)
still at the same time physically with friends I wish I could talk with them at the moment. :) but I can't and can only pray for them and think of them.
Granted I wont let this emotion bring me down. It's difficult but it's simple to overcome. :)
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
Stressed? No more life i don't know what to do.
So.... it seems my life is falling apart yet again.
But I am able to control my emotions a lot more so I feel numb and not deadly wanting to cut or urge to do anything.
I keep busy with school and music, and chores and friends. :) I enjoy it.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm very concerned for my parents who I see breaking down and freaking out because they don't know what to do. They hurt and I can tell and they are trying their hardest. They are, and they are doing the best they can and I love them and would want to trade places with them to let them free of this burden that is putting drama and hurt into our lives. I want them to be okay, seeing them go crazy or just become numb is hard. Because I don't know what to do or how to help. So I am helpless and making my own way.
My sister has had a lot happen between boyfriends and school, and the stress she is putting on my family is hard. and I apparently did the same thing a while back. I'm not sure I want to cause that to my parents again. So I have postponed that until I know I can grasp my own relationship and start one. :)
My parents are incredible and smart and charming and amazing. They know what they are doing and they are amazing people they are strong and wondrous faithful people.
I want everything to be okay, so I'm having faith in God and he knows what's going to happen and let him deal with it. That's why I don't feel stressed, yes I'm upset and a little depressed but what ever is happening with my sister and the problems it brings, I trust God.
But I am able to control my emotions a lot more so I feel numb and not deadly wanting to cut or urge to do anything.
I keep busy with school and music, and chores and friends. :) I enjoy it.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm very concerned for my parents who I see breaking down and freaking out because they don't know what to do. They hurt and I can tell and they are trying their hardest. They are, and they are doing the best they can and I love them and would want to trade places with them to let them free of this burden that is putting drama and hurt into our lives. I want them to be okay, seeing them go crazy or just become numb is hard. Because I don't know what to do or how to help. So I am helpless and making my own way.
My sister has had a lot happen between boyfriends and school, and the stress she is putting on my family is hard. and I apparently did the same thing a while back. I'm not sure I want to cause that to my parents again. So I have postponed that until I know I can grasp my own relationship and start one. :)
My parents are incredible and smart and charming and amazing. They know what they are doing and they are amazing people they are strong and wondrous faithful people.
I want everything to be okay, so I'm having faith in God and he knows what's going to happen and let him deal with it. That's why I don't feel stressed, yes I'm upset and a little depressed but what ever is happening with my sister and the problems it brings, I trust God.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Odd thing of the day,
I feel slighted. and I think I know why and it shouldn't bother me much. but it's not fun.
not by my parents mind you.
Just feel a little left out that I'm not able to jump up and do anything on the spur of the moment with my friends since they are all busy with school and work themselves.
It's annoying and hard to think that I'm going to be lonely for a while....
It is hard to deal with my sister being so hyper and perky and mushy.
Makes me wonder if I was like that, and I most likely was.
BUT I wasn't asking my sister questions about her experiences. I wasn't rubbing in her face that I had a "guy" and she didn't.
I didn't do mushy crap on Skype and Skype a guy 18 billion hours a day!
I didn't get to do that. I wasn't able to fully express my guy and me and claim it to the world.
like she can, and here she compares herself to me.
I feel down today, and it's not fun. I don't know what else to feel.
Will I fail in life? I don't know.
I have a direction with school, but I do enjoy the social aspect of everything and it bothers me to no end that my social life seems empty and I think that's why I can be down and sad.
I think that's the problem I see my friends spur of the moment able to do something and I have to plan in advanced.
I just really don't want to deal with anything right now, not even school. I feel depressed and it's bad.
So here I locked myself in my room, and am trying to focus on school. >.< Idk what to do, just got to buck up and be me right? breathe, and focus on my life.
Just breathe ;)
I feel slighted. and I think I know why and it shouldn't bother me much. but it's not fun.
not by my parents mind you.
Just feel a little left out that I'm not able to jump up and do anything on the spur of the moment with my friends since they are all busy with school and work themselves.
It's annoying and hard to think that I'm going to be lonely for a while....
It is hard to deal with my sister being so hyper and perky and mushy.
Makes me wonder if I was like that, and I most likely was.
BUT I wasn't asking my sister questions about her experiences. I wasn't rubbing in her face that I had a "guy" and she didn't.
I didn't do mushy crap on Skype and Skype a guy 18 billion hours a day!
I didn't get to do that. I wasn't able to fully express my guy and me and claim it to the world.
like she can, and here she compares herself to me.
I feel down today, and it's not fun. I don't know what else to feel.
Will I fail in life? I don't know.
I have a direction with school, but I do enjoy the social aspect of everything and it bothers me to no end that my social life seems empty and I think that's why I can be down and sad.
I think that's the problem I see my friends spur of the moment able to do something and I have to plan in advanced.
I just really don't want to deal with anything right now, not even school. I feel depressed and it's bad.
So here I locked myself in my room, and am trying to focus on school. >.< Idk what to do, just got to buck up and be me right? breathe, and focus on my life.
Just breathe ;)
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