Worst daughter ever

Apparently I made my mom stop her college classes because the stress of my math is too much for her to deal with at once. I'm not good at anything than being a burden and trouble a source where money is misused.
I shouldn't be doing my college in the last year of high school. Yes I might be ahead but, that's nothing! I can't do this anymore. I want to focus on my school here and now.
I will get through this flipping ride and through all the shizz that's thrown my way and go die. (Not literally)
I just hate struggling. I hate status quo/ or so im told/
Well I also hate hearing my parents say that I don't listen and I'm disrespectful. That I complain too much, that I happen to come in at the wrong time in a coversation. The simple things like that and being told, hey you need to do this and I'm going to tell you all your wrongs. These can hurt a person who is trying. I'm trying, my parents might not see that. That I'm wasn't planned for when my mom got pregnant. My siblings were all planned and I just happened to come along and ruin anything.
NO WONDER I used to cut.
It's a wonder I'm not dead yet.

Am I a failure?

Im not a failure. I didn't pass my math test today. Had a 62% needed an 80 to pass.
Am I dumb? No, I'm not dumb. I struggle like everyone else in the world. I'm human and I make mistakes. Am i a failure? No, because I tried. If I didn't try I would be lazy and unmotivated.
Nothing is worst than the feeling of disappointment in yourself, but there is always tomorrow.

I need to find a way to relieve stress and there is a way I can handle it. I'm just having trouble trying keep it well handled.
I used to cut, my body and mind now recognize that as a way of relieving stress. I'm not going to cut. I don't want to cut , yet the urge is there. I don't want voices back in my head. I don't want to face that demon and bring a new one into my life! I just want to breathe! I think I now have a developing eating disorder. I'm not sure but it's scary. I'll say that much.
You know the saying, "when I sleep that's when i can escape reality?"
I can't. I don't sleep. I have trouble even getting 5 hrs each night. I have nightmares when I'm to stressed. I have nightmares which make me not want to sleep because I'll see my nightmares again that night. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared to do anything incase I might do something wrong. I'm scare if I don't figure out a way to get stress off of my shoulders, ill break even more.
I'm human, I can only do so much. I need to be able to live and think.

Unstressed? Not really

I'm more scared that I'm going to be more stressed.
Why worry about what I cant control? I CAN'T
I just want to be a kid. I want to be care free. I have a job and I am going to college.
I just want to be free and not worry about college and not worry about trying to figure out my "job" my life goals.
I just want to breathe. I just need to breathe. What's so wrong with that?
I feel pressured. I can't deal with this.

I'm also apparently greedy selfish and completely unethical. Beyond my personal rights to be a human being of diligent responsibility. I've been doing a lot of what my parents did. I don't want to be my parents and at the same time I don't want to be the kid that turned out wacko from too much stress.

I'm complaining and venting. I'm nothing but stress on my parents. I add more than needed. Yet my habits aren't good.
I used to cut. Self harm. I didn't seek help I fought the battle on my own. Now I keep getting stress sick. My mouth and stomach can't take it anymore. I just need to breathe!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I?
Because I'm in water drowning.
Never hearing the songs of life around me. I will continue to fight and struggle against the waves of torture and salt. I will continue to try and breath underwater. At some point though, I'll want to give up.
Just someone send me a life ring and let me be calm and restful during a storm. Give me a chance to catch my breathe and even think.

Let me be me. Not a pressured girl forced into society.
Let me be stress free please!

CAMP! and songs!

O crazy days. Camp was terrific. I had the time of my life. I was blessed. Learned a lot and met new friends, enjoyed myself entirely. Friday after-noon the church youth group (Treasure Valley Bible Church) Around five. We made it. Also the church van was pulling the trailer full of bags and suitcases. Almost all the girls except Hannah was in it. Brittni, and Ashely. Any who. The girls' van was singing Veggetale songs all the way up to McCall. Went to camp Pine wood. Had the time of my life with worship and chapel. Just wonderful. We were stuck on the songs. Got ready for bed and went to bed around 12:41 but before we went to bed. Brittni H. had to have and alarm clock and sound thingy. Well earlier the toilet in the bathroom closest to our crazy freshman girl room was running. The sounds that Brittni had were funny. So Brittni turned it to a soft ocean which was boring. changed it to a heavy rain pour which was to loud. Turned to a light rain pour which sounded like the toilet earlier. Becca finally tried to turn it off. She un-succeeded. How did she un- succeed? well she turned it to a quiet meadow and a few seconds later when she returned to her top bunk it started to make chirping noises. Finally Lizzie, who was under Becca, un-plugged it. It was off and we finally went to bed at 12:41. The next morning we woke up at 7:31 that's when I had fun trying to wake up Brittany K. she was under Brittni H. so we had a 'Brittni' bunk. I kept poking her and she wouldn't get up. I just place my hand on her and she awoke suddenly with a start. We made it to breakfast. which was apple something, oatmeal, juice, milk, muffins, coffee, chocolate milk, among other things. Morning worship and service. Cabin time where boys and girls seperate to talk with leaders of same gender. Had free time which was spent sledding. After sledding we waited for lunch, had lunch. Ham and cheese! (yummy) and then again had free time. Spent doing the wheel of wonder (merri-go-round at a park.) for like 15 minutes. Went back in and left for the Snow festival. We all were given 5$ cash..... to spend. My group when we broke off. Me,Becca, Lizzie and Brittany K. were all just wondering around. the point of this wondering is we were supposed to take the passage we were learning (Psalms 1) and take a picture for every verse, we only took up to three verse but like two in each. So we technically had taken all the pics. Just we well yeah. Lizzie had to much fun with her camera. We spent money on an ice-cone each. Except Lizzie. She just got two scoops and then ate one and like just made it to Moxie where we sat to warm up. We took random pics. on their cameras (I don't have one yet.) some of them were just plain out hilarious and others funny. We met my sister and told her that the size of the scoop she had now was just half of the size of ours. We went back to the van after trying to find it and walking past it by a street. Two times. That was funny. I then started to get a head ache. They all went sledding again. While I tried to sleep with Advil. Didn't work like I thought it would. Woke up by my sister's loud laugh from the whole cabin in the front. Woke up went out. Worship and chapel. then the hot springs. which the whole ride there we had girls again and sang. Way to much, more veggetales and rounds of hymns. The water was burning hot and yet the air was freezing. went inside ate snacks which was gold fish and cookies and water. went back out and talked to Ryan who was a boy who knew about karate. Went to bed around 12:56 again. woke up the next morning and went to breakfast. chapel, and clean up. Packed and again more signing harpo's and then a lot more things. Got home at 1 and just and the time of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

numb again?

Just let me cry. Just let my body get rid of this.

THE STRESS IS TOO MUCH!

No , one can see it though. They feel it.

Yet, more is piled onto my shoulders.

I need room to breath and dream before I break again.

Can they not understand I want my life back?!?




A hurt implies that somethings needs to be done. Help me.

normal life?

Well first things first....
STRESS- I think stress is killing my stomach and my sleep patterns to the point, I don't know what to do. My stress is bad when I face something unexpected, I should truthfully says when my stress is at its worst then I have a really bad day.
I know that with my body, my stomach, my sleep pattern are all related with my stress.
I get sick sometimes and when I'm sick my mouth (as if my teeth aren't bad enough and being killed by stomach acid) it hurts my throat. I get a scratchy throat and then I feel crappy the rest of the day.
I also face stress through high school, and college. I find stress through my mom and my dad, they both have regular activities. I know for me, when my mom is stressed. I become stressed. She has so much to do and yet she takes more on her plate. I feel like I have to live up to her standard. I feel like i'm being pressured into being someone I'm not. What can happen? I break. I'm broken, I might as well be dead.
I've gone through so much through personal struggle, through issues with family and friends. I don't want to be sick with stress anymore. So I'm going to find way to get through this.
When I'm stressed I lash out at the simplests things. I don't want to be the bad person, I don't want to be the mean person.
I know it's hard but maybe if I didn't have so much pressure in my life. I'm told by my parents, more specifically my mom, I just need to see the bigger picture. Granted that does help me with my anxiety over stress. It's a continuous circle though. I don't sleep at night because I'm stressed, then anxiety from not being able to sleep enough and then fear of going to sleep.
"I'm messed up, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm also not worth it."
These lies above, have been stuck in my head. They scare me and I pray about it. I pray for God to take this away. He has but I have to push through it.
I'm still stressed out by my siblings not getting along with each other. My mom having so much to do and being overwhelmed by everything in her life. Then my dad gets upset that my mom's upset. I become more upset and stressed. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I don't put it there. I can't please everyone. I do know this, it's hard to try and get past it.

I have started tai chi in hopes of being able to relax, to be able to breathe.  I do this three times a week. I still need some more stress relief. Even after I have done my tai chi, the weight of my world starts crashing on me.

I also think another reason I am stressed and grumpy at the same time. My spine, and my neck and my bones all ache, I know this can be an issue for my body. I know that when I did hurt my neck back in 2010, once I was done with physical therapy I was more nice.
I think I need my spine and neck to be relaxed.
So a lot of things can be contributing to my stress and pressure I feel, even if there is no pressure.


the cycle:

worry - stress - no sleep - anxiety - more stress - raynauds flares up - crankiness - to pressure - then back to a bigger state of worry. The cycle the second time around, it is twice as hard.

I know for me this cycle has to be broken and I'm going to break it somehow.
I don't know how, but I will with help from God and my family and friends. :)
<3 p="p">
 Another thing in my life. I am trying to advoid gluten and sugar at all cost because when I'm stressed my stomach acts up, when that happens I get sick. I mostly get sick by my stomach having trigger foods. If I eat too much sugar, I get sick. Gluten I get sick... I can get sick on a lot of things, it's quite annoying. So now the option to eat healthy is a better one :)

I have recently started my enlgish course in college. IT SUCKS! I'm being told, I'm too "negative" in my thinking. I mean really?! I'm negative?
okay maybe I am.... but it's annoying to be called out on it.

Anywho, bai bai <3 p="p"> 

Stressed.

Stress is the key word here in my head. I want it to go away.
I am stressed for a few reasons:
I'm doing the congressional award.
I'm graduating highschool this year and have graduation meetings.
I'm entering college.
I'm working not one, but two part time jobs.

And my mom can't figure out why I'm stressed?

I feel pressered by my mom.
She is always asking me things about my school, about my college, about my congressional award. I love my mom to death! Don't get me wrong. I feel pressured by her.
I'm trying to do than most typical teenagers my age! I HAVE MORE GOING ON THAN A 30 YEAR OLD!
I feel as if I'm being pushed over the edge of everything and then forced to scale the rock bottom wall on my own with out help.
I feel as if I can't grow up. That I'm stuck; I won't be able to do this. My parents grew up fast, I feel as if I'm being forced down that path even though I'm struggling to get free of this fast-grow-up grasp.


HELP!!!!

I'm not going to say it again, how far can I sink with out you holding me?
Hearts tear and rip, nothing can fix it.
What causes hearts to sink? To fall? To hurt? To die? To feel nothing inside?
Words, anger, guilt, expectation.
Rid one of their feelings, by a simple word and they can hurt without knowing they hurt the other.
What can they do to understand that you're nothing .
hearts will fall and will be the downfall of others. Especially yourself.