No boyfriend? *say what?*

I don't need a boyfriend.
Just because I'm a senior in high school does not mean, I need a boy friend. Would I like one? I don't know the answer to that yet, I know I would probably enjoy the attention and being in "love" but I'm not sure I want that yet.
I do know, that I need a boyfriend when I am not emotionally or physically mature in the matter of having a boyfriend.  Yes, I've hit the point in a girls life when you have that special time of the month. But that does not mean I am physically mature. I'm not ready to hand over my body to the changes that child bearing brings. It's my body at the moment and I want to keep it that way. God, will tell me when I'm ready and I will know. I also don't need to be "laid". I don't need a child in my current position in life. I don't need to be pregnant. I don't need to be a mom now when I'm just learning to live. I have a job, my goals in life should come first along side my family and God. (not in that order, but hopefully you get the idea)
I have a friend, he is an incredible friend. He has helped me a lot since I've met him and hung out with him. Just because we're friends though, does not mean anything has to happen.
My friend and I have talked numerous times about our future and about relationships and what would happen between us. My friend and I have a mutual agreement that we both aren't physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally ready for a relationship. We want to be good friends, we want to keep our friendship open and not awkward. We both have set up something called "boundary lines" for each other. If I feel he's pushing into a boundary line or going to far, I promised to tell him. He has done the same for me. Example- My friend likes to play vampire bunny, or fishy (games) and then touch my hand or neck. I don't have an issue with that. (he hasn't tried anything else either) but if he were to try and touch say.... my tummy. I would tell him off. He has done the same for me, he has had to grab my hands at one point because I was going to touch his neck, he felt like it wasn't a good idea, and said, "*insert name* I don't think that's a good idea, and I feel my boundary line is being crossed." I respect him a lot. My friend is very respectful and I do trust him a lot. I love hanging out with him, because he is a good friend that I can relate to. I'm blessed to have a "guy" friend that is so respectful and careful on what he does and says because he knows I am a woman, and he knows from his parents teaching him, that I am to be respective.  I applaud him on this, because most people don't understand that women are to be respected mentally and emotionally, not just physically.  My friend and I have a mutual understanding and respectful friendship. I like that.
                      Now, the teasing that goes on.... I find it very annoying and I've asked people to stop. Do they listen? No. Do they respect my wishes on them stopping the teasing? No.
My friend and I are not "Not-a-boyfriend/girlfriend" no, we are simply friends!
I don't have a boyfriend and I don't need one right now. It's not funny when people tease. Yes, they might get a response out of me. Yes, I will blush and be embarrassed that my family and friends actually think that. Today, I was asked by a close friend how my "boyfriend" was. I became nervous and gave them a hard look. That's what made me write this post as I should be doing home-work. I wanted to clarify to some people, that some kids don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's okay to be friends and wait on the mushy gushy stuff till marriage. I mean come on swapping spit? touching each other with your tongues? 0.o .... I'm not repulsed by this entirely. It's a way to show affection and love and intimacy, I'm not ready for that yet. Not yet, I just want to be friends. Get to know you, before anything happens. The world says "without your opposite half you're incomplete" Oh yeah? really? then I'm broken? NO! I just am waiting for my life to begin and enjoy my moments as teen. Also, I'm scared as shit! to grow up and not be in high school XD my "guy" friend is a Jr. and I'm a Sr. He's older than me? 0.o yeah what I thought. :3 anyway, I'm just being me for now. :)

Parents and boys

I have a guy friend, and this year we grew closer together as friends. Nothing huge and yet my parents still give a curfew and let me know that NO, I can't spend the night as his house >.>
I understand their reasoning and their rules. In fact! I respect them.
I just find it stupid because my parents were allowed to roam free, and hang out with their friends till late at night.
I'm just tired of them telling me no.
I want to hang out with my friend on New Year's Eve. Mom says that's up to dad, because my curfew has always been 10:30-11 depending on how generous my parents are.
I'm just annoyed that they did this stuff and won't let me. :( it's hypocritical and they are the "AUTHORITY" figures that I hastily listen too. Then listen to God through them. That's what my parents are. Also the bible says in Eph. 6:1-"Children obey your parents in The Lord, for this is right."
I know I need to submit and that they MIGHT know more than I.
I find it annoying that's all. "Do what I say and not as I do." Comes to mind :/

So Christmas. I need to go Christmas shopping badly or I won't make it and I'm trying so darn hard to get my stuff done and just it's too much. I don't handle stress well and if you can't tell, I'm stressed and annoyed which is not a great feeling. I work all day tomorrow still have to get a birthday present done and finals coming up.
I don't have college next semester... (Complicated story) instead I have a Lot of testing for school.
I have the S.A.T., ITED (homeschool), then I might have another two. One would be for advanced Biology and another one for something :3 that I don't remember :/

Sigh haven't ranted in a long time :/ anyway. I'll rant again some other time. Anyway thanks :)

Worst daughter ever

Apparently I made my mom stop her college classes because the stress of my math is too much for her to deal with at once. I'm not good at anything than being a burden and trouble a source where money is misused.
I shouldn't be doing my college in the last year of high school. Yes I might be ahead but, that's nothing! I can't do this anymore. I want to focus on my school here and now.
I will get through this flipping ride and through all the shizz that's thrown my way and go die. (Not literally)
I just hate struggling. I hate status quo/ or so im told/
Well I also hate hearing my parents say that I don't listen and I'm disrespectful. That I complain too much, that I happen to come in at the wrong time in a coversation. The simple things like that and being told, hey you need to do this and I'm going to tell you all your wrongs. These can hurt a person who is trying. I'm trying, my parents might not see that. That I'm wasn't planned for when my mom got pregnant. My siblings were all planned and I just happened to come along and ruin anything.
NO WONDER I used to cut.
It's a wonder I'm not dead yet.

Am I a failure?

Im not a failure. I didn't pass my math test today. Had a 62% needed an 80 to pass.
Am I dumb? No, I'm not dumb. I struggle like everyone else in the world. I'm human and I make mistakes. Am i a failure? No, because I tried. If I didn't try I would be lazy and unmotivated.
Nothing is worst than the feeling of disappointment in yourself, but there is always tomorrow.

I need to find a way to relieve stress and there is a way I can handle it. I'm just having trouble trying keep it well handled.
I used to cut, my body and mind now recognize that as a way of relieving stress. I'm not going to cut. I don't want to cut , yet the urge is there. I don't want voices back in my head. I don't want to face that demon and bring a new one into my life! I just want to breathe! I think I now have a developing eating disorder. I'm not sure but it's scary. I'll say that much.
You know the saying, "when I sleep that's when i can escape reality?"
I can't. I don't sleep. I have trouble even getting 5 hrs each night. I have nightmares when I'm to stressed. I have nightmares which make me not want to sleep because I'll see my nightmares again that night. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared to do anything incase I might do something wrong. I'm scare if I don't figure out a way to get stress off of my shoulders, ill break even more.
I'm human, I can only do so much. I need to be able to live and think.

Unstressed? Not really

I'm more scared that I'm going to be more stressed.
Why worry about what I cant control? I CAN'T
I just want to be a kid. I want to be care free. I have a job and I am going to college.
I just want to be free and not worry about college and not worry about trying to figure out my "job" my life goals.
I just want to breathe. I just need to breathe. What's so wrong with that?
I feel pressured. I can't deal with this.

I'm also apparently greedy selfish and completely unethical. Beyond my personal rights to be a human being of diligent responsibility. I've been doing a lot of what my parents did. I don't want to be my parents and at the same time I don't want to be the kid that turned out wacko from too much stress.

I'm complaining and venting. I'm nothing but stress on my parents. I add more than needed. Yet my habits aren't good.
I used to cut. Self harm. I didn't seek help I fought the battle on my own. Now I keep getting stress sick. My mouth and stomach can't take it anymore. I just need to breathe!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I?
Because I'm in water drowning.
Never hearing the songs of life around me. I will continue to fight and struggle against the waves of torture and salt. I will continue to try and breath underwater. At some point though, I'll want to give up.
Just someone send me a life ring and let me be calm and restful during a storm. Give me a chance to catch my breathe and even think.

Let me be me. Not a pressured girl forced into society.
Let me be stress free please!

CAMP! and songs!

O crazy days. Camp was terrific. I had the time of my life. I was blessed. Learned a lot and met new friends, enjoyed myself entirely. Friday after-noon the church youth group (Treasure Valley Bible Church) Around five. We made it. Also the church van was pulling the trailer full of bags and suitcases. Almost all the girls except Hannah was in it. Brittni, and Ashely. Any who. The girls' van was singing Veggetale songs all the way up to McCall. Went to camp Pine wood. Had the time of my life with worship and chapel. Just wonderful. We were stuck on the songs. Got ready for bed and went to bed around 12:41 but before we went to bed. Brittni H. had to have and alarm clock and sound thingy. Well earlier the toilet in the bathroom closest to our crazy freshman girl room was running. The sounds that Brittni had were funny. So Brittni turned it to a soft ocean which was boring. changed it to a heavy rain pour which was to loud. Turned to a light rain pour which sounded like the toilet earlier. Becca finally tried to turn it off. She un-succeeded. How did she un- succeed? well she turned it to a quiet meadow and a few seconds later when she returned to her top bunk it started to make chirping noises. Finally Lizzie, who was under Becca, un-plugged it. It was off and we finally went to bed at 12:41. The next morning we woke up at 7:31 that's when I had fun trying to wake up Brittany K. she was under Brittni H. so we had a 'Brittni' bunk. I kept poking her and she wouldn't get up. I just place my hand on her and she awoke suddenly with a start. We made it to breakfast. which was apple something, oatmeal, juice, milk, muffins, coffee, chocolate milk, among other things. Morning worship and service. Cabin time where boys and girls seperate to talk with leaders of same gender. Had free time which was spent sledding. After sledding we waited for lunch, had lunch. Ham and cheese! (yummy) and then again had free time. Spent doing the wheel of wonder (merri-go-round at a park.) for like 15 minutes. Went back in and left for the Snow festival. We all were given 5$ cash..... to spend. My group when we broke off. Me,Becca, Lizzie and Brittany K. were all just wondering around. the point of this wondering is we were supposed to take the passage we were learning (Psalms 1) and take a picture for every verse, we only took up to three verse but like two in each. So we technically had taken all the pics. Just we well yeah. Lizzie had to much fun with her camera. We spent money on an ice-cone each. Except Lizzie. She just got two scoops and then ate one and like just made it to Moxie where we sat to warm up. We took random pics. on their cameras (I don't have one yet.) some of them were just plain out hilarious and others funny. We met my sister and told her that the size of the scoop she had now was just half of the size of ours. We went back to the van after trying to find it and walking past it by a street. Two times. That was funny. I then started to get a head ache. They all went sledding again. While I tried to sleep with Advil. Didn't work like I thought it would. Woke up by my sister's loud laugh from the whole cabin in the front. Woke up went out. Worship and chapel. then the hot springs. which the whole ride there we had girls again and sang. Way to much, more veggetales and rounds of hymns. The water was burning hot and yet the air was freezing. went inside ate snacks which was gold fish and cookies and water. went back out and talked to Ryan who was a boy who knew about karate. Went to bed around 12:56 again. woke up the next morning and went to breakfast. chapel, and clean up. Packed and again more signing harpo's and then a lot more things. Got home at 1 and just and the time of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

numb again?

Just let me cry. Just let my body get rid of this.

THE STRESS IS TOO MUCH!

No , one can see it though. They feel it.

Yet, more is piled onto my shoulders.

I need room to breath and dream before I break again.

Can they not understand I want my life back?!?




A hurt implies that somethings needs to be done. Help me.