Stressed.

Stress is the key word here in my head. I want it to go away.
I am stressed for a few reasons:
I'm doing the congressional award.
I'm graduating highschool this year and have graduation meetings.
I'm entering college.
I'm working not one, but two part time jobs.

And my mom can't figure out why I'm stressed?

I feel pressered by my mom.
She is always asking me things about my school, about my college, about my congressional award. I love my mom to death! Don't get me wrong. I feel pressured by her.
I'm trying to do than most typical teenagers my age! I HAVE MORE GOING ON THAN A 30 YEAR OLD!
I feel as if I'm being pushed over the edge of everything and then forced to scale the rock bottom wall on my own with out help.
I feel as if I can't grow up. That I'm stuck; I won't be able to do this. My parents grew up fast, I feel as if I'm being forced down that path even though I'm struggling to get free of this fast-grow-up grasp.


HELP!!!!

I'm not going to say it again, how far can I sink with out you holding me?
Hearts tear and rip, nothing can fix it.
What causes hearts to sink? To fall? To hurt? To die? To feel nothing inside?
Words, anger, guilt, expectation.
Rid one of their feelings, by a simple word and they can hurt without knowing they hurt the other.
What can they do to understand that you're nothing .
hearts will fall and will be the downfall of others. Especially yourself.

Brand New one :)

It is I, Me, Happy Dance Around Otter ^_^
hehe
I'm happy if you can not tell.
Even though today my day was very stressful and cranky. I've been able to relax finally.

Good news: I have a new laptop that is really nice. I'm grateful for my parents being able to spoil me and help me, more than their parents did- or so I'm told.

GREAT news: I am now a dualed enroled student in college. CWI- comunity college and am taking english and math.
Before that though, I studied for my compass (placement) test. I was so stressed. I've been so stressed because this is a big step for me. I was told my world of options just opened. I'm excited to get started on my career path. I'm hopefully, planned by God- because he lead me to this- I'm hopefully going to be a NICU RN (Neonatal Intesive Care Unit, Registered Nurse.) I'm excited about it.

I'm also going to L.A, to watch; not participate, in a San Soo Kung Fu seminar. I'm driving down to L.A. with my dad and youngest brother. It seems like fun.

also- I'm hoping to do another silly post-it-note deal random story :)

okay that's all for now.....
except I'm going to be stressed, doing senior year in highschool, college, congressional award, and trying to hold down two jobs. Oh hey, I got a job a while ago.
It's nice but very hectick.... :)
okay going now.
Bye bye :)

First in 2012

Tadah!
yeah you thought I was dead. :P

Several troubles and problems have been addressed in my life recently.
January was nothing big, it was January.
February wasn't to bad.
March, march is when I started to make a new friend and have a great friend.
His name is Patrick, he is one month and one day older than me. He uses this to his advantage sometimes when he teases me ;) . He is an incredible friend. He helpe convinced me to talk to my parents about a problem I had and still struggle with sometimes.
He is understanding and I'm glad he's a friend.

Well, I have now found that I like 'techno' music. Music I promised myself never NEVER EVER to listen to. Here I am telling you that I secretly like techno, even if I deny it. I like it.
I have gone through a lot these past few months.
My older sister is graduated and happy. I like seeing her happy. My parents are awesome as ever even if recently I've been overstepping some boundaries. I should be happy with what I have and do. Just sometimes I'm not. Isn't that part of growing up and learning?
So popular subject for me- Stress -   
Im am stressed for these reasons. 

1. Growing up
     I'm scared out of my mind why I have to grow up and live.... but who's keeping score.

2. Congressional award
    I am doing the congressional award and that is a new level of stress that is hard for me to deal with and the normal way to deal with it isn't the option I would choose right now, even though its in the back of my mind all the time. It scares me granted, I just wont do it.
3. Work
     I work as a part-time nanny for two young kids. It is really fun and I try to be on their level. I find it hard. I overheard them talking. I just am going to try harder.
4. Graduating
     I am going into my senior year of high-school and I'm scarred beyond belief. I don't want to recognized for something I don't feel I earned. I am not at normal levels for my standards.
I guess I have to stop beating myself up every chance I get.
5. Volunteering
    I happened to have a no show in May and a tardy slip in April.

My stress! tadah!

And now a new way to handle it.
So, a while ago I told my parents a problem I had a year ago. Right now, today I found a challenge and I'm gonna try it.

Ooooohhhh and my violin is broken and the parts to fix it were not going to be here until next week and they arrived today and so, I'm hoping to play my violin tomorrow. instead of the crazy student violin I have for my brother. It's a great violin granted just doesn't feel right.
but my dad says this "A violin is just an instrument, the soul that plays through it comes from your heart."
I love my daddy. He's awesome and way to cool for words to explain.
Mom I love her too, she's incredible and smart and yeah ditto to the words.

Later this month with my busy schedule I'm hoping to blog all of my poems be warned though: some are scary.
Hopefully I can though. Not sure.

2011 endings.

I know Christmas time is here, the decorations, the family get together(s), laughing, giving presents.
I have seen the opposite side of things. I have seen the family become upset over one person saying something rude to another.
I have been in those situations. I have been the cause of some disputes in my family. In other words, 'the trouble maker'
I've been yelled at, punished and told that everything that just happened is my fault and I'm supposed to be the better person. It's amazing how many family members can tell you that it's your fault. Sometime it is, other times it is completely futile to argue your definitive point that it wasn't your fault.
I have had a few Christmas experiences that weren't so pleasant. Then the rest of the year is supposed to be okay-dokey for that one person. For, me.

Anyway, onto today's rant. Brothers.
whoooooopee! *note the sarcasm* My little brother out of the two, is so full of it. He busts out for no reason, wears is heart think for him before he reacts to anything. He blows up at the slightest touch. I have truthfully held a grudge against him, for a while. I think that grudge is my parents not punishing him; like they punished me when I was younger. My little brother has not been taught manners. He is so stupid!

Today, yes this will sound petty in my potion, he took a cookie. As my mom and I watched him, asked him nicely. 'hey, not till after dinner.' please. The catch, he agreed not to have a cookie, till after dinner. This, he deliberately did in front of us. He bit into the cookie, and I became unglued. I went over and hit him. I sound like a child. Because I still am one. I will have to figure out how not to become a child. Any-who. I hit him and he became unglued. "YOU SEE MOM THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH! EVERY TIME THAT YOU LEAVE, SHE BEATS ME AND TELLS ME I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING. I AM WORTHLESS!" his eyes watered with tears as he proceeded upstairs. I followed after being warned by my mom that I don't touch my siblings in any way. I understood and went upstairs to my room.

I want to clear somethings up:
1) I don't what so EVER hit my brother when my mom is not there, even if she is, except for this time.
  2) He seriously needs to think his own mouth and heart over because, in my book he is a sinner that *cue cheerful voice* I love very much *get rid of cheerful voice*
3) I am in the wrong and he is in the right and yada-yada
4) I only get mad at him, because he thinks he is higher than all and he has to prove it, by emancipating his emotions and is a big bully. (that has even hurt me, with mocking, with lies, the double bladed tongue, with swearing on my name, he becomes all ego like. I hope he just realizes that I'm not the big bad wolf and I hate being in fairy-tales) He has started over half of the fights in the house, just to say no you can't do that.
Common response from him. I say, "(insert name) knock it off dude you're not dad." he come back all girly like voice and replies, "Why don't you. You're not mom."
I shut up after that because I want to strangle him. I know if I continue he will be all hurt and kill mode, (which he has also done to me.) So as I shut up, he feels the high and almighty crap that his head is filled with. I am silent because I try to stop. This repeats several times throughout the day. Even when I remind him we are not allowed on the computer during school (home school) he is still "Shut up, you're not mom." and continues to disobey my mom and dad's rules. And when I say SEVERAL times I mean more than you can think MULTIPLE TIMES!

Now people might wonder why I was going to my room, when my(sister's and my) room is next to his (his and other brother's) Well because I needed to cry. You see, I think that my parents parented me well. I believe that they tried to enforce rules so I would understand. Sadly they stopped. They stopped at my first little brother. My brothers have been lead by the hand through everything. When I was told, "here you go, enjoy." instead of having the experience, of mom and dad near me helping. They helped when I was younger. Now, they just don't come over and say, "hey, want help?" they don't come to me. I HAVE TO go to them. They might notice but, not really bringing attention to it.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent. Anyway I came upstairs and cried. I was ready to cry a few more times, when I thought about it after calming down. I believe that I cry after I hurt somebody, is because I (a) didn't intentionally want to hurt them. (b) I let myself become vulnerable to many lies and undertakings. (c) because I know I am in trouble by God. I wasn't supposed to do that. So I just truthfully hurt myself and God by hurting my brother. (d) then my physical dad. But, my dad probably thinks I am old enough to decide right from wrong. Take control of my actions and be able to think on my toes in a moments notice; like Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise ship of crazy no-brained-people where the guy in the red shirt always dies. No a chance on your life will that ever happen. I think ahead when I am clam. Not when I am angry. Maybe that's my fault in life. I get too angry and upset at everything around me that I push someone around to feel better.

So, I just ate dinner and came back up here to finish this up.
I don't know what else to talk about.

I know this though and several things I thought about:
1) My parents, are my parents, and technically my care taker's that help me learn who my father is. More-or-less I'm an orphan and waiting till I have a reunion with my dad up in heaven. (which I thought was cool and odd.)
2) When Christmas comes around, it is supposed to represent the birth of Jesus, giving gifts is part of what the three kings did to Jesus. So, why don't we give to Jesus if it is HIS celebration?
3) Imagine this, everyone is a chocolate chip and there is this chef whom is making chocolate chip cookies. He makes the dough with the right measurements and then forms the cookie dough ball to cook. The ball of dough is your world. How ever many chocolate chips are in your cookie, is how many people you have in your life. When you go into the oven- that is your life span- you are cooked and then finished. How many people did you leave your mark on? How many people did you tell about Jesus? the list goes on and far. [God has used cookie dough many a times to teach me with my spiritual growth. I think it's funny]

Any way. I think my depression is just about over. My rants are just about done. Wait.... nope.... um....okay..... honestly they are done.
I do have to say, though I am grateful so much, even if I don't say it. I have a lovely family, happy home. Everything that I need. Sometimes pressure just gets to me and I don't deal well. (Time to talk to God.)

My last thought to you is to seriously don't hit your brother. It continues with all these different strings attached, that tangle you up and take you out of your walk with God for a little.

Jesus and the Cross.

I went to church today. It was different than what I expected. Worship was great always will be. the message in youth service was different and really caught my attention. It snagged my heart so hard that I have questions, that need answers but I already know the answers. So what is the point of asking the questions?

Today in my youth service we had our secondary pastor Joel, talk to us.
We were studying Mark 15: 16-41.
Starting at verse 16: it talks about how the Romans treated Jesus, how they whipped him how they hurt him. To continue into the next section about how they Crucified him, how they suffocated him, how they brutally devoured his dignity and turned him into a laugh, a joke.
He died at the age of 30-35 no one knows for sure.
He was killed because he claimed to be king of the Jews. He claimed " I am ". They killed him because he was the son of God. They knew it but wouldn't admit it. The Pharisees and leaders of the temple hated him for being who he was and for making themselves look wrong, bad, and injustice like.

My youth leader asked us some very simple questions.
What is the cross?
What is your response to the cross?
Have you seen that he loves you?
Do you know that he is right next to you?

Joel started to then branch off and talk about Christians. How some people go to church, have church friends, and live to be what they want and still call themselves a Christian.
He made me think. It sounds like me. I know I am a Christian because I have accepted God as my savior, I have asked him into my heart, I have asked him to use me for his will.

I want you to think about this though.
God sent his son to be killed so that we wouldn't have to die like him. That we wouldn't be mocked and scorned, brutally injured. All because God loves us.
Jesus didn't want to die, he begged God to forgive the people he loved so much. God said no, and Jesus was facing spiritual separation from God at the time.
When he was on the cross. He asked God to "Forgive them" and "Why God have you forsaken me?"
We prayed and ended our church lesson.

On the way home, it was hard to focus, it was hard not to think about all the things I had just heard, all the things I FELT.
I felt to the lowest of lows, that I am nothing and yet God still loves me. He still cares for me that is why Jesus died.
I was given a whole new view of how God loved me.
But the subject my mind thought of most is that, I prosecuted Jesus. I killed him because I didn't want MY fathers love, I made fun of him, all the while he let me and then died for me.
He obeyed his father all because he loved him.
God loves me enough not to kill me. But to use his son as a sacrificial lamb.

Thanksgiving.

THANKSGIVING!

So, usually the modern American family will sit around the table for the food that the mother of the house has made and give thanks and eat the food. Some people say what they are thankful for, pray and then eat.
This all revolves around one fact, being Thankful for what you are given and are receiving. I believe that everyday needs to be a thanks giving to God. Everyday is better and better and closer to what God has in store for us. God has the best intentions. Sadly man kind, just grumble all year 'round and on Thanksgiving day they act like everything is all right, nothing wrong. The only day in the year that they are usually thankful for anything. I fell sorry for anyone who is right now that is out on the streets, hurting, barely getting by. They have things to be eternally grateful for. They are blessed and realize more potential in certain things that us spoiled Americans. I am grateful for living being able to share my thoughts, having the freedom of speech.

Now back to the topic that most people (most likely) the day of ,or after, Thanksgiving family's put up their Christmas decorations. Making the house festive.
Today I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The only thing, the only thing I saw there was everyone excited that Thanksgiving is the beginning of "the" holidays. Until New Year's Eve.
Seriously! people need to slow down and let the future unroll itself. Not us unrolling the future for ourselves. Let the day of Thanksgiving be for Thanksgiving. Not, about seeing how early we can get to a store this Black Friday and buy Christmas gifts. See who can get what first. Buy everyone a gift. Do this, do that. Not a body or even thing(s) can get me to think about what I am going to get everyone for Christmas because that is not what Thanksgiving is for.

Thanksgiving says is all. You are giving thanks, either to each other for getting through the hard times. Things for meaning something. What about God? I am thankful that I can be apart of my own life. That he let me type this message. What else could I want? Sure for the future road in my life turn towards the good, or even the great! Just consider this question as I go to eat my Thanksgiving meal.
What are you thankful for?

Thinking.

It's amazing what people can talk of and do, But what about there thoughts being spoken out loud? Like an author of a book and their thoughts on a certain object/subject? then being expressed through this book they are shown to the world after several hundred hours of fixing their errors. :)

Have you ever told yourself that you need to stop thinking bad thoughts. Knowing that God said you shouldn't think thoughts that are bad. You should never think that certain problems will be worse then what they all ready are. That you should never think bad thoughts about another person, even when you have a conflict with that person. God said not to and to be in control of what you think, say, and do.

-Thoughts can hurt expesialy when used verbally.
-Saying what ever in on your mind is not the best thing to do.
nor letting your tongue hurt someone emotionally. The tongue
is the strongest weapon that we have besides our fists. God did
say that we need to think before we do.
-Doing. Actions do speak louder then words in the wrong way.
Just because it's an action does not intend that it is okay to use.
Certain actions can have the wrong affect on people.

The reason that I am posting this is because I HAVE NOT kept my mind my heart nor my actions sin free. I am not proud of it. If anyone in there right mind can tell that they are in sin. They know there is a God. That can not be separated. We all are born with God in us. It is the decision to follow him and except Jesus as our Lord and Savior then we are in the right place, and if still doing sin we are in the right place doing the wrong things. If no one in their right mind can see this. Then they will struggle and not be well or what they want to be in life. What God planned them to be. If he hardened their heart. He did. We can't change that.


I have had trouble to do things the right way with out thinking of the outcome. What can I do?
I can ask for forgiveness,
I can ask for a second chance,
I can ask to try again. Knowing that ALL my mistakes will be in my head to remind me of the wrong. I have done wrong and I can't tell anyone Because I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I have a goody-goody-girl mask on and I can't do anything to get rid of it. O' I can try Really Try. It will all ways be a reminder of how bad I was and how I came to Christ. Just nothing can help me escape the wrong and pursue the right. I want too!

I have Jesus as my Lord and Savior sense I was little. Then sixth grade is really when I started to notice he's there. That I was loved when I didn't know it.
Now- I am doing nothing. I barely go to church and my brothers despise church as it's a bad thing. What?! No! They need to be grateful that church is there to fellowship in God through the pastor's message and ON YOUR OWN TIME! Pray and Meditate. Then fellowship with other believers to help you through the hard times that your in. They're there for that reason. The body of Christ needs to be Strong if the gears don't work in the clock it doesn't work. That's why there is a church. Normally the church used to be a home group and then study the Bible together as a giant family. :)

Please think of what I've said. Now I have to go and clean the kitchen. :) [Haha with my sister too]

Talk later. Forever and All Ways Writing.