CAMP! and songs!

O crazy days. Camp was terrific. I had the time of my life. I was blessed. Learned a lot and met new friends, enjoyed myself entirely. Friday after-noon the church youth group (Treasure Valley Bible Church) Around five. We made it. Also the church van was pulling the trailer full of bags and suitcases. Almost all the girls except Hannah was in it. Brittni, and Ashely. Any who. The girls' van was singing Veggetale songs all the way up to McCall. Went to camp Pine wood. Had the time of my life with worship and chapel. Just wonderful. We were stuck on the songs. Got ready for bed and went to bed around 12:41 but before we went to bed. Brittni H. had to have and alarm clock and sound thingy. Well earlier the toilet in the bathroom closest to our crazy freshman girl room was running. The sounds that Brittni had were funny. So Brittni turned it to a soft ocean which was boring. changed it to a heavy rain pour which was to loud. Turned to a light rain pour which sounded like the toilet earlier. Becca finally tried to turn it off. She un-succeeded. How did she un- succeed? well she turned it to a quiet meadow and a few seconds later when she returned to her top bunk it started to make chirping noises. Finally Lizzie, who was under Becca, un-plugged it. It was off and we finally went to bed at 12:41. The next morning we woke up at 7:31 that's when I had fun trying to wake up Brittany K. she was under Brittni H. so we had a 'Brittni' bunk. I kept poking her and she wouldn't get up. I just place my hand on her and she awoke suddenly with a start. We made it to breakfast. which was apple something, oatmeal, juice, milk, muffins, coffee, chocolate milk, among other things. Morning worship and service. Cabin time where boys and girls seperate to talk with leaders of same gender. Had free time which was spent sledding. After sledding we waited for lunch, had lunch. Ham and cheese! (yummy) and then again had free time. Spent doing the wheel of wonder (merri-go-round at a park.) for like 15 minutes. Went back in and left for the Snow festival. We all were given 5$ cash..... to spend. My group when we broke off. Me,Becca, Lizzie and Brittany K. were all just wondering around. the point of this wondering is we were supposed to take the passage we were learning (Psalms 1) and take a picture for every verse, we only took up to three verse but like two in each. So we technically had taken all the pics. Just we well yeah. Lizzie had to much fun with her camera. We spent money on an ice-cone each. Except Lizzie. She just got two scoops and then ate one and like just made it to Moxie where we sat to warm up. We took random pics. on their cameras (I don't have one yet.) some of them were just plain out hilarious and others funny. We met my sister and told her that the size of the scoop she had now was just half of the size of ours. We went back to the van after trying to find it and walking past it by a street. Two times. That was funny. I then started to get a head ache. They all went sledding again. While I tried to sleep with Advil. Didn't work like I thought it would. Woke up by my sister's loud laugh from the whole cabin in the front. Woke up went out. Worship and chapel. then the hot springs. which the whole ride there we had girls again and sang. Way to much, more veggetales and rounds of hymns. The water was burning hot and yet the air was freezing. went inside ate snacks which was gold fish and cookies and water. went back out and talked to Ryan who was a boy who knew about karate. Went to bed around 12:56 again. woke up the next morning and went to breakfast. chapel, and clean up. Packed and again more signing harpo's and then a lot more things. Got home at 1 and just and the time of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

numb again?

Just let me cry. Just let my body get rid of this.

THE STRESS IS TOO MUCH!

No , one can see it though. They feel it.

Yet, more is piled onto my shoulders.

I need room to breath and dream before I break again.

Can they not understand I want my life back?!?




A hurt implies that somethings needs to be done. Help me.

normal life?

Well first things first....
STRESS- I think stress is killing my stomach and my sleep patterns to the point, I don't know what to do. My stress is bad when I face something unexpected, I should truthfully says when my stress is at its worst then I have a really bad day.
I know that with my body, my stomach, my sleep pattern are all related with my stress.
I get sick sometimes and when I'm sick my mouth (as if my teeth aren't bad enough and being killed by stomach acid) it hurts my throat. I get a scratchy throat and then I feel crappy the rest of the day.
I also face stress through high school, and college. I find stress through my mom and my dad, they both have regular activities. I know for me, when my mom is stressed. I become stressed. She has so much to do and yet she takes more on her plate. I feel like I have to live up to her standard. I feel like i'm being pressured into being someone I'm not. What can happen? I break. I'm broken, I might as well be dead.
I've gone through so much through personal struggle, through issues with family and friends. I don't want to be sick with stress anymore. So I'm going to find way to get through this.
When I'm stressed I lash out at the simplests things. I don't want to be the bad person, I don't want to be the mean person.
I know it's hard but maybe if I didn't have so much pressure in my life. I'm told by my parents, more specifically my mom, I just need to see the bigger picture. Granted that does help me with my anxiety over stress. It's a continuous circle though. I don't sleep at night because I'm stressed, then anxiety from not being able to sleep enough and then fear of going to sleep.
"I'm messed up, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm also not worth it."
These lies above, have been stuck in my head. They scare me and I pray about it. I pray for God to take this away. He has but I have to push through it.
I'm still stressed out by my siblings not getting along with each other. My mom having so much to do and being overwhelmed by everything in her life. Then my dad gets upset that my mom's upset. I become more upset and stressed. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I don't put it there. I can't please everyone. I do know this, it's hard to try and get past it.

I have started tai chi in hopes of being able to relax, to be able to breathe.  I do this three times a week. I still need some more stress relief. Even after I have done my tai chi, the weight of my world starts crashing on me.

I also think another reason I am stressed and grumpy at the same time. My spine, and my neck and my bones all ache, I know this can be an issue for my body. I know that when I did hurt my neck back in 2010, once I was done with physical therapy I was more nice.
I think I need my spine and neck to be relaxed.
So a lot of things can be contributing to my stress and pressure I feel, even if there is no pressure.


the cycle:

worry - stress - no sleep - anxiety - more stress - raynauds flares up - crankiness - to pressure - then back to a bigger state of worry. The cycle the second time around, it is twice as hard.

I know for me this cycle has to be broken and I'm going to break it somehow.
I don't know how, but I will with help from God and my family and friends. :)
<3 p="p">
 Another thing in my life. I am trying to advoid gluten and sugar at all cost because when I'm stressed my stomach acts up, when that happens I get sick. I mostly get sick by my stomach having trigger foods. If I eat too much sugar, I get sick. Gluten I get sick... I can get sick on a lot of things, it's quite annoying. So now the option to eat healthy is a better one :)

I have recently started my enlgish course in college. IT SUCKS! I'm being told, I'm too "negative" in my thinking. I mean really?! I'm negative?
okay maybe I am.... but it's annoying to be called out on it.

Anywho, bai bai <3 p="p"> 

Stressed.

Stress is the key word here in my head. I want it to go away.
I am stressed for a few reasons:
I'm doing the congressional award.
I'm graduating highschool this year and have graduation meetings.
I'm entering college.
I'm working not one, but two part time jobs.

And my mom can't figure out why I'm stressed?

I feel pressered by my mom.
She is always asking me things about my school, about my college, about my congressional award. I love my mom to death! Don't get me wrong. I feel pressured by her.
I'm trying to do than most typical teenagers my age! I HAVE MORE GOING ON THAN A 30 YEAR OLD!
I feel as if I'm being pushed over the edge of everything and then forced to scale the rock bottom wall on my own with out help.
I feel as if I can't grow up. That I'm stuck; I won't be able to do this. My parents grew up fast, I feel as if I'm being forced down that path even though I'm struggling to get free of this fast-grow-up grasp.


HELP!!!!

I'm not going to say it again, how far can I sink with out you holding me?
Hearts tear and rip, nothing can fix it.
What causes hearts to sink? To fall? To hurt? To die? To feel nothing inside?
Words, anger, guilt, expectation.
Rid one of their feelings, by a simple word and they can hurt without knowing they hurt the other.
What can they do to understand that you're nothing .
hearts will fall and will be the downfall of others. Especially yourself.

Brand New one :)

It is I, Me, Happy Dance Around Otter ^_^
hehe
I'm happy if you can not tell.
Even though today my day was very stressful and cranky. I've been able to relax finally.

Good news: I have a new laptop that is really nice. I'm grateful for my parents being able to spoil me and help me, more than their parents did- or so I'm told.

GREAT news: I am now a dualed enroled student in college. CWI- comunity college and am taking english and math.
Before that though, I studied for my compass (placement) test. I was so stressed. I've been so stressed because this is a big step for me. I was told my world of options just opened. I'm excited to get started on my career path. I'm hopefully, planned by God- because he lead me to this- I'm hopefully going to be a NICU RN (Neonatal Intesive Care Unit, Registered Nurse.) I'm excited about it.

I'm also going to L.A, to watch; not participate, in a San Soo Kung Fu seminar. I'm driving down to L.A. with my dad and youngest brother. It seems like fun.

also- I'm hoping to do another silly post-it-note deal random story :)

okay that's all for now.....
except I'm going to be stressed, doing senior year in highschool, college, congressional award, and trying to hold down two jobs. Oh hey, I got a job a while ago.
It's nice but very hectick.... :)
okay going now.
Bye bye :)

First in 2012

Tadah!
yeah you thought I was dead. :P

Several troubles and problems have been addressed in my life recently.
January was nothing big, it was January.
February wasn't to bad.
March, march is when I started to make a new friend and have a great friend.
His name is Patrick, he is one month and one day older than me. He uses this to his advantage sometimes when he teases me ;) . He is an incredible friend. He helpe convinced me to talk to my parents about a problem I had and still struggle with sometimes.
He is understanding and I'm glad he's a friend.

Well, I have now found that I like 'techno' music. Music I promised myself never NEVER EVER to listen to. Here I am telling you that I secretly like techno, even if I deny it. I like it.
I have gone through a lot these past few months.
My older sister is graduated and happy. I like seeing her happy. My parents are awesome as ever even if recently I've been overstepping some boundaries. I should be happy with what I have and do. Just sometimes I'm not. Isn't that part of growing up and learning?
So popular subject for me- Stress -   
Im am stressed for these reasons. 

1. Growing up
     I'm scared out of my mind why I have to grow up and live.... but who's keeping score.

2. Congressional award
    I am doing the congressional award and that is a new level of stress that is hard for me to deal with and the normal way to deal with it isn't the option I would choose right now, even though its in the back of my mind all the time. It scares me granted, I just wont do it.
3. Work
     I work as a part-time nanny for two young kids. It is really fun and I try to be on their level. I find it hard. I overheard them talking. I just am going to try harder.
4. Graduating
     I am going into my senior year of high-school and I'm scarred beyond belief. I don't want to recognized for something I don't feel I earned. I am not at normal levels for my standards.
I guess I have to stop beating myself up every chance I get.
5. Volunteering
    I happened to have a no show in May and a tardy slip in April.

My stress! tadah!

And now a new way to handle it.
So, a while ago I told my parents a problem I had a year ago. Right now, today I found a challenge and I'm gonna try it.

Ooooohhhh and my violin is broken and the parts to fix it were not going to be here until next week and they arrived today and so, I'm hoping to play my violin tomorrow. instead of the crazy student violin I have for my brother. It's a great violin granted just doesn't feel right.
but my dad says this "A violin is just an instrument, the soul that plays through it comes from your heart."
I love my daddy. He's awesome and way to cool for words to explain.
Mom I love her too, she's incredible and smart and yeah ditto to the words.

Later this month with my busy schedule I'm hoping to blog all of my poems be warned though: some are scary.
Hopefully I can though. Not sure.

2011 endings.

I know Christmas time is here, the decorations, the family get together(s), laughing, giving presents.
I have seen the opposite side of things. I have seen the family become upset over one person saying something rude to another.
I have been in those situations. I have been the cause of some disputes in my family. In other words, 'the trouble maker'
I've been yelled at, punished and told that everything that just happened is my fault and I'm supposed to be the better person. It's amazing how many family members can tell you that it's your fault. Sometime it is, other times it is completely futile to argue your definitive point that it wasn't your fault.
I have had a few Christmas experiences that weren't so pleasant. Then the rest of the year is supposed to be okay-dokey for that one person. For, me.

Anyway, onto today's rant. Brothers.
whoooooopee! *note the sarcasm* My little brother out of the two, is so full of it. He busts out for no reason, wears is heart think for him before he reacts to anything. He blows up at the slightest touch. I have truthfully held a grudge against him, for a while. I think that grudge is my parents not punishing him; like they punished me when I was younger. My little brother has not been taught manners. He is so stupid!

Today, yes this will sound petty in my potion, he took a cookie. As my mom and I watched him, asked him nicely. 'hey, not till after dinner.' please. The catch, he agreed not to have a cookie, till after dinner. This, he deliberately did in front of us. He bit into the cookie, and I became unglued. I went over and hit him. I sound like a child. Because I still am one. I will have to figure out how not to become a child. Any-who. I hit him and he became unglued. "YOU SEE MOM THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH! EVERY TIME THAT YOU LEAVE, SHE BEATS ME AND TELLS ME I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING. I AM WORTHLESS!" his eyes watered with tears as he proceeded upstairs. I followed after being warned by my mom that I don't touch my siblings in any way. I understood and went upstairs to my room.

I want to clear somethings up:
1) I don't what so EVER hit my brother when my mom is not there, even if she is, except for this time.
  2) He seriously needs to think his own mouth and heart over because, in my book he is a sinner that *cue cheerful voice* I love very much *get rid of cheerful voice*
3) I am in the wrong and he is in the right and yada-yada
4) I only get mad at him, because he thinks he is higher than all and he has to prove it, by emancipating his emotions and is a big bully. (that has even hurt me, with mocking, with lies, the double bladed tongue, with swearing on my name, he becomes all ego like. I hope he just realizes that I'm not the big bad wolf and I hate being in fairy-tales) He has started over half of the fights in the house, just to say no you can't do that.
Common response from him. I say, "(insert name) knock it off dude you're not dad." he come back all girly like voice and replies, "Why don't you. You're not mom."
I shut up after that because I want to strangle him. I know if I continue he will be all hurt and kill mode, (which he has also done to me.) So as I shut up, he feels the high and almighty crap that his head is filled with. I am silent because I try to stop. This repeats several times throughout the day. Even when I remind him we are not allowed on the computer during school (home school) he is still "Shut up, you're not mom." and continues to disobey my mom and dad's rules. And when I say SEVERAL times I mean more than you can think MULTIPLE TIMES!

Now people might wonder why I was going to my room, when my(sister's and my) room is next to his (his and other brother's) Well because I needed to cry. You see, I think that my parents parented me well. I believe that they tried to enforce rules so I would understand. Sadly they stopped. They stopped at my first little brother. My brothers have been lead by the hand through everything. When I was told, "here you go, enjoy." instead of having the experience, of mom and dad near me helping. They helped when I was younger. Now, they just don't come over and say, "hey, want help?" they don't come to me. I HAVE TO go to them. They might notice but, not really bringing attention to it.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent. Anyway I came upstairs and cried. I was ready to cry a few more times, when I thought about it after calming down. I believe that I cry after I hurt somebody, is because I (a) didn't intentionally want to hurt them. (b) I let myself become vulnerable to many lies and undertakings. (c) because I know I am in trouble by God. I wasn't supposed to do that. So I just truthfully hurt myself and God by hurting my brother. (d) then my physical dad. But, my dad probably thinks I am old enough to decide right from wrong. Take control of my actions and be able to think on my toes in a moments notice; like Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise ship of crazy no-brained-people where the guy in the red shirt always dies. No a chance on your life will that ever happen. I think ahead when I am clam. Not when I am angry. Maybe that's my fault in life. I get too angry and upset at everything around me that I push someone around to feel better.

So, I just ate dinner and came back up here to finish this up.
I don't know what else to talk about.

I know this though and several things I thought about:
1) My parents, are my parents, and technically my care taker's that help me learn who my father is. More-or-less I'm an orphan and waiting till I have a reunion with my dad up in heaven. (which I thought was cool and odd.)
2) When Christmas comes around, it is supposed to represent the birth of Jesus, giving gifts is part of what the three kings did to Jesus. So, why don't we give to Jesus if it is HIS celebration?
3) Imagine this, everyone is a chocolate chip and there is this chef whom is making chocolate chip cookies. He makes the dough with the right measurements and then forms the cookie dough ball to cook. The ball of dough is your world. How ever many chocolate chips are in your cookie, is how many people you have in your life. When you go into the oven- that is your life span- you are cooked and then finished. How many people did you leave your mark on? How many people did you tell about Jesus? the list goes on and far. [God has used cookie dough many a times to teach me with my spiritual growth. I think it's funny]

Any way. I think my depression is just about over. My rants are just about done. Wait.... nope.... um....okay..... honestly they are done.
I do have to say, though I am grateful so much, even if I don't say it. I have a lovely family, happy home. Everything that I need. Sometimes pressure just gets to me and I don't deal well. (Time to talk to God.)

My last thought to you is to seriously don't hit your brother. It continues with all these different strings attached, that tangle you up and take you out of your walk with God for a little.