A new found and lovely appreciation for parents.
Parents sign up with every child they have about 20 years of servitude.
They go through cleaning and changing you. Clothing you and helping you sleep.
Teaching you simple things at 2 and 3
Learning to play nicely with other kids.
Teaching you boys have cooties.
Helping you with math homework.
Teaching you to never give up.
Keeping you on track with your goals and dreams and aspirations.
Teaching you that life is unfair.
Letting you grow up and learn on your own.
Letting you go camping with your neighbor for a weekend away from home.
Paying so much money for you to do things and heal you from your injuries.
Finally to the point where you are almost your own person and are dealing with drama and boys, and best friends, and jealousy.
Them being able to be your best friends and help you understand that you need certain criticism, and the fact you can take this criticism makes you stronger.
I can appreciate a lot more. :)
I can tell them anything!
*lightbulb* I can tell them anything ^_^
I'm very appreciative with my family and for putting up with me and my antics. As I am a girl and will never decide fully what I want.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
more life
Life continues as always.
I just didn't know going through so much shock and adjusting in any stress related environment would cause more stress. You get stress from shock, that plays on the stress from the event, and that all plays on the stress of absolute changes that you can't control. Stress is known as an outside source that pushes or move a stable grounded object.
We as humans are the grounded object and then the stressor comes and knocks us out of the ground.
I love my family and what's been happening recently with my sister's health has knocked us all out of the ground as a family. It is very hard to deal with the stress in a large quantity.
I am getting stressed. My sister is manic, which isn't a bad thing after coming back from the hospital. I'm jsut getting overwhelmed. I'm glad I have school and work to focus on, but as she sits in our room, I'm with her and I need to watch out for her. I don't notice when she has episodes or black out session from her condition. So I have a little pressure on me. Just because I want to watch out for her.
But another thing, my mom is getting stressed too, and that's causing a few out bursts of me blowing up because she is exhibiting and sending out flustered and stressed signals.
the moral, stress on top of stress about stress does not collide with stress. Period; at all.
This is a little annoying. Plus I just had an occurrence where my sister wanted to "play roughhouse" but she doesn't know how to, with out it being somewhat intimate. She tried biting my neck and grabbing my chest. She is also 80 lbs heavier than me and it's hard when she is crushing my hips into the floor to get her to listen and get off of me. She has a boy friend for that stuff. Now, if we were goofing off I would love it. Tickle fights and enjoying each other's company. But she is heavy and manic so it's hard to play around with her, like we have in the past. I just need her to understand the limits. My dad finally came up and got my sister to get off me.
So with everything that has happened in the last three months, being the equivalent of three months condensed down into a short time frame; the stress has been x3 and difficult to manage but not prolonged.
School is nuts, one month left of my condensed CNA course. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Anxious for all the test again, sure.
But more anxious I might be in limbo from goals. I like goals and I need them. They help me focus, I don't need to go off the deep end again. It's scary and I'm not sure what to do.
I'll figure it out as I always do ;) I know what I'm doing with my life because of God. HE is in control.
Need to recognize that more often.
But I'm excited school's almost done,
my not a boy friend would like to talk with my parents but I doubt they need more emotional stress on them with my sister's situation and her boy friend, and my sister's mood swings.
So I feel just a little held back. I know that's to be expected in a family, but when it's demanding and controlling to the point I'm fighting back and being drafted into the things or errands I don't want to deal with then it's a problem. I'm not saying I'm having trouble, but my sister is demanding things: parent's are busy tomorrow and I want to visit my boyfriend but I can't drive (medical condition prevents it atm), So you have to take me.
You know, I have a life and you fit in it but you don't control it.
Please understand I have the best intentions to love you and help you because you are my family, but I am me, and I will not let you control it.
I will also not let my mind control me and my fears. I have to master them and face anything I am scared and confused about head on. I found that out in the last few weeks. Because my parents are great role models, and lead by example. I know with God I can do that. I can face anything head on.
So I'm nipping this in the butt. God has control of me, but I wont let you ruin and run my life.
I just didn't know going through so much shock and adjusting in any stress related environment would cause more stress. You get stress from shock, that plays on the stress from the event, and that all plays on the stress of absolute changes that you can't control. Stress is known as an outside source that pushes or move a stable grounded object.
We as humans are the grounded object and then the stressor comes and knocks us out of the ground.
I love my family and what's been happening recently with my sister's health has knocked us all out of the ground as a family. It is very hard to deal with the stress in a large quantity.
I am getting stressed. My sister is manic, which isn't a bad thing after coming back from the hospital. I'm jsut getting overwhelmed. I'm glad I have school and work to focus on, but as she sits in our room, I'm with her and I need to watch out for her. I don't notice when she has episodes or black out session from her condition. So I have a little pressure on me. Just because I want to watch out for her.
But another thing, my mom is getting stressed too, and that's causing a few out bursts of me blowing up because she is exhibiting and sending out flustered and stressed signals.
the moral, stress on top of stress about stress does not collide with stress. Period; at all.
This is a little annoying. Plus I just had an occurrence where my sister wanted to "play roughhouse" but she doesn't know how to, with out it being somewhat intimate. She tried biting my neck and grabbing my chest. She is also 80 lbs heavier than me and it's hard when she is crushing my hips into the floor to get her to listen and get off of me. She has a boy friend for that stuff. Now, if we were goofing off I would love it. Tickle fights and enjoying each other's company. But she is heavy and manic so it's hard to play around with her, like we have in the past. I just need her to understand the limits. My dad finally came up and got my sister to get off me.
So with everything that has happened in the last three months, being the equivalent of three months condensed down into a short time frame; the stress has been x3 and difficult to manage but not prolonged.
School is nuts, one month left of my condensed CNA course. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Anxious for all the test again, sure.
But more anxious I might be in limbo from goals. I like goals and I need them. They help me focus, I don't need to go off the deep end again. It's scary and I'm not sure what to do.
I'll figure it out as I always do ;) I know what I'm doing with my life because of God. HE is in control.
Need to recognize that more often.
But I'm excited school's almost done,
my not a boy friend would like to talk with my parents but I doubt they need more emotional stress on them with my sister's situation and her boy friend, and my sister's mood swings.
So I feel just a little held back. I know that's to be expected in a family, but when it's demanding and controlling to the point I'm fighting back and being drafted into the things or errands I don't want to deal with then it's a problem. I'm not saying I'm having trouble, but my sister is demanding things: parent's are busy tomorrow and I want to visit my boyfriend but I can't drive (medical condition prevents it atm), So you have to take me.
You know, I have a life and you fit in it but you don't control it.
Please understand I have the best intentions to love you and help you because you are my family, but I am me, and I will not let you control it.
I will also not let my mind control me and my fears. I have to master them and face anything I am scared and confused about head on. I found that out in the last few weeks. Because my parents are great role models, and lead by example. I know with God I can do that. I can face anything head on.
So I'm nipping this in the butt. God has control of me, but I wont let you ruin and run my life.
little alone
I feel a little alone.
My best friend's Sister is home for the holidays and then a friend is in NY and then another best friend going to Paris after new year's. :3
So ehhh.... little alone XD and it sucks :/
I have God and my family :) which is a bless and amazing that my dad is home for Christmas (he was supposed to work) and mom is home and I'm happy about that :)
but no idea what to do :/
I had a job interview a while ago.... hoping that I get the CAP2 position at a hospital that I applied for. I'm anxious to hear back, I'm applying at other places as well and waiting for an answer :)
God has a lot of control over my life. I have so much praise for him for bringing him me this far, for blessing me. It is a miracle that I am this far.
So God is my rock and my foundation :)
He's amazing! :)
still at the same time physically with friends I wish I could talk with them at the moment. :) but I can't and can only pray for them and think of them.
Granted I wont let this emotion bring me down. It's difficult but it's simple to overcome. :)
My best friend's Sister is home for the holidays and then a friend is in NY and then another best friend going to Paris after new year's. :3
So ehhh.... little alone XD and it sucks :/
I have God and my family :) which is a bless and amazing that my dad is home for Christmas (he was supposed to work) and mom is home and I'm happy about that :)
but no idea what to do :/
I had a job interview a while ago.... hoping that I get the CAP2 position at a hospital that I applied for. I'm anxious to hear back, I'm applying at other places as well and waiting for an answer :)
God has a lot of control over my life. I have so much praise for him for bringing him me this far, for blessing me. It is a miracle that I am this far.
So God is my rock and my foundation :)
He's amazing! :)
still at the same time physically with friends I wish I could talk with them at the moment. :) but I can't and can only pray for them and think of them.
Granted I wont let this emotion bring me down. It's difficult but it's simple to overcome. :)
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
Stressed? No more life i don't know what to do.
So.... it seems my life is falling apart yet again.
But I am able to control my emotions a lot more so I feel numb and not deadly wanting to cut or urge to do anything.
I keep busy with school and music, and chores and friends. :) I enjoy it.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm very concerned for my parents who I see breaking down and freaking out because they don't know what to do. They hurt and I can tell and they are trying their hardest. They are, and they are doing the best they can and I love them and would want to trade places with them to let them free of this burden that is putting drama and hurt into our lives. I want them to be okay, seeing them go crazy or just become numb is hard. Because I don't know what to do or how to help. So I am helpless and making my own way.
My sister has had a lot happen between boyfriends and school, and the stress she is putting on my family is hard. and I apparently did the same thing a while back. I'm not sure I want to cause that to my parents again. So I have postponed that until I know I can grasp my own relationship and start one. :)
My parents are incredible and smart and charming and amazing. They know what they are doing and they are amazing people they are strong and wondrous faithful people.
I want everything to be okay, so I'm having faith in God and he knows what's going to happen and let him deal with it. That's why I don't feel stressed, yes I'm upset and a little depressed but what ever is happening with my sister and the problems it brings, I trust God.
But I am able to control my emotions a lot more so I feel numb and not deadly wanting to cut or urge to do anything.
I keep busy with school and music, and chores and friends. :) I enjoy it.
I'm not happy at the moment, I'm very concerned for my parents who I see breaking down and freaking out because they don't know what to do. They hurt and I can tell and they are trying their hardest. They are, and they are doing the best they can and I love them and would want to trade places with them to let them free of this burden that is putting drama and hurt into our lives. I want them to be okay, seeing them go crazy or just become numb is hard. Because I don't know what to do or how to help. So I am helpless and making my own way.
My sister has had a lot happen between boyfriends and school, and the stress she is putting on my family is hard. and I apparently did the same thing a while back. I'm not sure I want to cause that to my parents again. So I have postponed that until I know I can grasp my own relationship and start one. :)
My parents are incredible and smart and charming and amazing. They know what they are doing and they are amazing people they are strong and wondrous faithful people.
I want everything to be okay, so I'm having faith in God and he knows what's going to happen and let him deal with it. That's why I don't feel stressed, yes I'm upset and a little depressed but what ever is happening with my sister and the problems it brings, I trust God.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Odd thing of the day,
I feel slighted. and I think I know why and it shouldn't bother me much. but it's not fun.
not by my parents mind you.
Just feel a little left out that I'm not able to jump up and do anything on the spur of the moment with my friends since they are all busy with school and work themselves.
It's annoying and hard to think that I'm going to be lonely for a while....
It is hard to deal with my sister being so hyper and perky and mushy.
Makes me wonder if I was like that, and I most likely was.
BUT I wasn't asking my sister questions about her experiences. I wasn't rubbing in her face that I had a "guy" and she didn't.
I didn't do mushy crap on Skype and Skype a guy 18 billion hours a day!
I didn't get to do that. I wasn't able to fully express my guy and me and claim it to the world.
like she can, and here she compares herself to me.
I feel down today, and it's not fun. I don't know what else to feel.
Will I fail in life? I don't know.
I have a direction with school, but I do enjoy the social aspect of everything and it bothers me to no end that my social life seems empty and I think that's why I can be down and sad.
I think that's the problem I see my friends spur of the moment able to do something and I have to plan in advanced.
I just really don't want to deal with anything right now, not even school. I feel depressed and it's bad.
So here I locked myself in my room, and am trying to focus on school. >.< Idk what to do, just got to buck up and be me right? breathe, and focus on my life.
Just breathe ;)
I feel slighted. and I think I know why and it shouldn't bother me much. but it's not fun.
not by my parents mind you.
Just feel a little left out that I'm not able to jump up and do anything on the spur of the moment with my friends since they are all busy with school and work themselves.
It's annoying and hard to think that I'm going to be lonely for a while....
It is hard to deal with my sister being so hyper and perky and mushy.
Makes me wonder if I was like that, and I most likely was.
BUT I wasn't asking my sister questions about her experiences. I wasn't rubbing in her face that I had a "guy" and she didn't.
I didn't do mushy crap on Skype and Skype a guy 18 billion hours a day!
I didn't get to do that. I wasn't able to fully express my guy and me and claim it to the world.
like she can, and here she compares herself to me.
I feel down today, and it's not fun. I don't know what else to feel.
Will I fail in life? I don't know.
I have a direction with school, but I do enjoy the social aspect of everything and it bothers me to no end that my social life seems empty and I think that's why I can be down and sad.
I think that's the problem I see my friends spur of the moment able to do something and I have to plan in advanced.
I just really don't want to deal with anything right now, not even school. I feel depressed and it's bad.
So here I locked myself in my room, and am trying to focus on school. >.< Idk what to do, just got to buck up and be me right? breathe, and focus on my life.
Just breathe ;)
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJCc6AxxImY
I feel this is my generation and the younger generation after me, it hurts to know all these girls and boys are going to experience heart break over and over for a fling. It's sad. :/
and that and I feel like I had a fling with my friend, and I still hurt from it with constant reminders because my sister wont shut up about it.
She doesn't know how not to ask, because she's enjoying a relationship for 1 month. Ohhh yay go build me a brick wall >.> makes me somewhat upset that she's not considerate of my emotional hurt?
I'm getting better but it still hurts so yeah. -_- :(
I feel this is my generation and the younger generation after me, it hurts to know all these girls and boys are going to experience heart break over and over for a fling. It's sad. :/
and that and I feel like I had a fling with my friend, and I still hurt from it with constant reminders because my sister wont shut up about it.
She doesn't know how not to ask, because she's enjoying a relationship for 1 month. Ohhh yay go build me a brick wall >.> makes me somewhat upset that she's not considerate of my emotional hurt?
I'm getting better but it still hurts so yeah. -_- :(
Friday, August 09, 2013
my heart
My heart breaks as it beats.
My heart cries for it's weak.
My heart denies me my
feelings.
My heart hurts and sobs
My heart is heavy and wont
stop weighing me down.
My heart this, my heart
that.
I have to think with my
head.
I miss him so much in a "intimate way." I want him and I know I've hurt him. I want him to be mine, and forever mine. I want him to need me, and I want to need him. Why is love such a touchy subject?
It hurts so much towards the breaking point. Love is also there to comfort and love you. To hold you close and not let you fall.
Why was I stupid enough to say I'm stepping back? ? ? ?
I was being mature and following my head. I just want him. I need him. He makes me happy :)
He makes me want to better myself. I want to be with him. and I can't.
I wont play around with his emotions either. I wont flirt with him, I respect his emotions and values way to much for that. I wont toil in his hurt or devastate him by playing him. I just want to love him and him love me back.
With his mom in the way, it makes it hard. and I hurt so bad because I love him and can't have him.
My heart cries for it's weak.
My heart denies me my
feelings.
My heart hurts and sobs
My heart is heavy and wont
stop weighing me down.
My heart this, my heart
that.
I have to think with my
head.
I miss him so much in a "intimate way." I want him and I know I've hurt him. I want him to be mine, and forever mine. I want him to need me, and I want to need him. Why is love such a touchy subject?
It hurts so much towards the breaking point. Love is also there to comfort and love you. To hold you close and not let you fall.
Why was I stupid enough to say I'm stepping back? ? ? ?
I was being mature and following my head. I just want him. I need him. He makes me happy :)
He makes me want to better myself. I want to be with him. and I can't.
I wont play around with his emotions either. I wont flirt with him, I respect his emotions and values way to much for that. I wont toil in his hurt or devastate him by playing him. I just want to love him and him love me back.
With his mom in the way, it makes it hard. and I hurt so bad because I love him and can't have him.
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